Program

I feel so embarrassed and like I let everyone down. I had a whole team that believed in me and it was too hard for me to do it.

I'm nervous for individual therapy Wednesday. I don't want to talk about the SH yesterday.

Nothing to be embarrassed about. Would you be embarrassed if you had kidney stones or asthma or diabetes? It is not something you caused. It is something you have and not by choice. And now you will try different treatment. That's all there is. You are not in denial as you are seeking help and that's the right thing to do. Be proud of yourself.

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I wasn't really given a choice. But I guess I should just stop fighting the current and admit I need more help.

I'm in so much physical pain I can barely sleep.

I'm trying to figure out if this is as dangerous as they say or not. I go back and forth. My brain is so muddled. They say cuts requiring 28 stitches are not okay. But I have such a hard time wrapping my brain around the idea of cutting being serious no matter what. It's just skin.

Maybe the fact that I can't think straight about this is a sign I do need more help. I don't even know what I feel or think anymore. My head is like a pretzel.

I think that is a sign in of itself that you need more help. Let them take the wheel for awhile, so you can rest and get a clearer head. It is so, so serious the harm you are doing to yourself. 28 stitches! I got 20 stitches once because my hand accidentally went through a glass window, and it was awful, and I stll have scars to this day from it.

It is not just the impulse to self-harm, it is the carelessness that you apply to it. I can't imagine ever cutting myself so deep, I need stitches. Please accept the help.

Yes it is bad please don't minimize this. I can't even imagine 28 stitches. I am not saying it to make you feel bad but to make you see that yes it is very bad and yes you have to follow treatment plan and yes you can get better

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Thank you guys. I don't want to even go in next week. I'm probably afraid for nothing, but I'm nervous that I cut again and they won't be happy. I went for stitches to try to at least make up for it a little.

Do you think maybe I can't get better? I can't seem to let go of my self-hatred, pain, suicidal thinking.

i understand this sentiment 100%. My problems aren't so life-threatening, but i have been discussing this in therapy as well. I don't know the answer, because the will to get better has to come from within. I also get the not deserving it part too, because taht is how I feel as well.

With you, I can clearly see that you need more help than you are getting, and NO ONE should be in so much pain. As for me, I keep going to therapy week after week even though I am unsure of it all. I keep trying medications, even though I am not sure I believe in them. I keep being honest to my therapist and doctor. For me, I keep trying, even though I am mostly sure I won't ever feel better.

My T said to me yesterday that if that is where I am at, it is ok. If all I can do is come to therapy each week, and nothing else changes, I am still helping myself in some way.

I think the part of you that still goes to therapy, that got stitches (yay!!! i'm proud of you for doing that, because i know you haven't in the past), and that is trying to be as honest as possible: That part wants help. That part believes you deserve to get better. I get that part is mostly overshadowed by your self-hatred. I really, really understand that. I think we both just need to keep on swimming

I'm sorry you feel like this too. It's like I'm waiting for the smallest spark of life in myself and there is nothing. I think maybe a lot of people with depression feel like this, but it's hard to know where to find motivation from when you don't care enough about yourself in the first place.

It's so so hard. But what's the alternative?

That's a good question. My T firmly believes in humans instinct for survival. It is that small part in us that keeps us going to therapy and trying hard to keep going even if it feels like you are wading through quicksand.

Is there even any point in me being in therapy? Is it possible to get better when you fail over and over because deep down you Because I think at this point any kind of treatment is useless and I will end up and I feel hopeless and scared. Nothing budges that, no matter how afraid I am. Therapy/meds can't help if I want out, but at the same time I'm in way too deep to pull myself out alone. I know that once you get to this severity of self-harm, isolation, low functioning, along with the BPD traits and my age, I am statistically at risk, but even that isn't enough to scare me out of it.

I don't have an answer for you. I guess you have to keep trying all your options and hope something will help life the depression a little bit. Keep posting here.

I agree that you should keep posting. And keep going to therapy. It doesn't sound like the meds you're on are helping much either--I wonder if it's possible they could be making it worse (I had worsening depression on a few meds)? You'd said something about not wanting them to change your meds in the program, but maybe that's what you need to feel better. Hugs!