Can't settle with new T

After the pile of crap old T reigned down on me I am finding huge trust issues with new T.

I've had a few sessions and find she is nice and gentle. I emailed her and ill admit I was just testing to see if she would respond which she did. I also canceled and appointment to which she said "you will always be able to make an appointment here, if you choose to" so nice. Of course I made a new appointment.

My question is that even with this, I am struggling to find a connection and not to be terrified of her getting angry. Should I give up therapy altogether? Will the connection happen? It was instant rapport with ex t but that turned out so badly I question my judgement.

Sorry to hear things went so badly with ex-T and that you're having trouble settling with new T. It sounds, though, like she (new T) is nice enough, and I'd encourage you to give it a chance. It took me a pretty long time to develop a connection with my T, but it was worth it in the end.

It's so hard to trust again. I'm terrified too. I'm starting an intensive 2 year program and I'm afraid it won't help or I'll hate it, but I think I'm even more afraid of the opposite.

We had really similar situations with bad therapy and it is SO damaging to any kind of trust. I think that fear of getting attached is even worse than the one of not clicking with a therapist. I think you should keep fighting, but holding back a part of you isn't a bad thing. I don't want to ever trust the way I did again. It's dangerous.

New T offers all of the consistency that old T never did and it feels weird.

I think the connection can develop slowly.

Can I ask you a question?

What is the reason behind this constant testing you're going through with these therapists? Why not just ask them what their boundaries are in regard to out of session contact or contact during a crisis?

It seems you're putting yourself through a lot unnecessary push and pull with these therapists that you don't have to do.

I did ask her, she said she was fine with emails. I guess I wanted to see if the theory was true.

Ex T said she was also fine with email. Until she wasn't.

I always ask but I guess I wanted to try it, old T had said she was fine with emails but would routinely change her mind one way or the other.

I agree, it was the same for me when I started seeing T2. The consistency was alien and I equated the appropriate boundaries with a lack of connection.
But actually as time has gone on its been incredibily helpful to have a different type of relationship. T2 never brings drama into the relationship and he always owns up when he's in the wrong. I don't feel as strongly about him as I do T1, even though I've worked with him longer than T1, but I've come to appreciate the relationship and use it in the most beneficial way.
I think the testing of your new T is a very natural development in the relationship. Ride it out. If she's a good T, the relationship will probably benefit and that can only be good for your therapy.

What about the cancelling then rebooking?

I get scared about being in therapy, think I don't need it and cancel. T has said I could book anytime and her reply made me want to. Everything is within her boundaries, I guess I just want to see that she's not going to change (unlike old T)

New T thinks that old T didn't have clear boundaries and as such it became confusing for me. I prefer when someone sets the rules out. Doesn't mean I won't test those rules sometimes.

Thank you for this, it gives me hope to keep going.

Thank you, I wish you a lot of luck in your program. I really want to fight and I don't want to give old T any power over me but trust again is so difficult.

I hope so, I like her and she's nice, maybe I feel she's too nice and I'm too damaged. Ugh

Thank you. I keep telling myself not to compare with old T because look how that worked out in the end. I think she's expecting the testing and she has even said she won;t close her file on me but will follow up because going to T will be difficult. I'm glad things are working out for you.