Program

PinkFlamingo99 · 05:32 AM

Hi everyone,

Sorry I haven't been very active.

I don't know if anyone remembers how hard things were and how I was trying to cope with really severe self-harm.

Anyway, so I did PHP for a little while and then back went to the program I was in and added some groups and tried like that, because I was scares to switch therapists and pdocs if I switched programs. Anyway, today the T told me they don't think I'm making much progress like this, I'm suffering too much, and I'm in too much danger. So they're making me switch to the 2 year 3x a week program for BPD

I'm really scared they won't be nice or I'll feel uncomfortable. I find it so hard if someone is not gentle in speech with me. I can't stop crying out of fear and out of that feeling of being sick. I don't want to lose my therapist who I really like and trust, after the crap with the ex-T. I'm terrified of who I'm going to get.

My minister who has been my main support for so long just announced she is retiring in May and moving 6 hrs away and I'm not sure how to cope. My heart hurts and I'm so scared for myself.

Jan 28, 2016, 06:03 AM

Hugs! I remember how hard things were and the severity of your self harm.

I'm sure quite a few others do too.

All this sounds really difficult for you - will you be able to keep in periodic contact with the T you like and trust?

PinkFlamingo99 · Jan 28, 2016, 11:29 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by QuietMind

Hugs! I remember how hard things were and the severity of your self harm.

I'm sure quite a few others do too.

All this sounds really difficult for you - will you be able to keep in periodic contact with the T you like and trust?

Thanks.

Her office is just down the hall so I'll run into her. Also, after the 2 years I can probably go back and we can start again. She says she'll keep track of how I'm doing.

I hope the new pdoc doesn't change my meds.

PinkFlamingo99 · 12:14 PM

I'm afraid of myself and my self-violence. But this scares me too. It scares me that I even *need* a higher level of care. I don't think I'll ever be okay. Going back to grad school seems a mile away, and I'm 33 and working in a call centre that i'm one late or absence away from getting fired from.

I'm so sad and hopeless. I'm still having spasms in my arm from the depth of my cuts. And I feel so completely alone. I have nobody.

Out There · Jan 28, 2016, 12:32 PM

LonesomeTonight · Jan 28, 2016, 12:40 PM

I know you're scared. I would be, too. Remember that T is just trying to do what's best to keep you safe and healthy. I'm sure it's hard to think of a T acting in your best interest after what happened with your last one. But it sounds like this one is really good and is just referring you to that program because she wants to see you get better. When is your first appointment? Please keep us updated.

PinkFlamingo99 · Jan 28, 2016, 12:57 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LonesomeTonight

I know you're scared. I would be, too. Remember that T is just trying to do what's best to keep you safe and healthy. I'm sure it's hard to think of a T acting in your best interest after what happened with your last one. But it sounds like this one is really good and is just referring you to that program because she wants to see you get better. When is your first appointment? Please keep us updated.

I know. You're right. She keeps saying it would be negligent not to, but it would be easier just to keep me there because she doesn't want to hurt me. She says she knowscI'll feel hurt and rejected but my safety has to come first and my self-harm is one of only two cases she's ever seen where it's life-threatening so my feelings unfortunately have to be second level of importance. I think maybe my last therapist should have referred me up years ago. I do believe she's doing it to help me and because she's afraid for my safety like she said, but I'm still afraid.

I'm not sure yet, but since this program is in the same dept at the same hospital and she knows these people well, I won't be on a waiting list. I'm going on vacation for 10 days next week. So probably the week after i'll have the intake. They have to do an assessment anyway as per hospital policy, but I'll keep seeing her until I start there. Probably by the beginning of April, if that long.

PinkFlamingo99 · Jan 28, 2016, 01:01 PM

I'm scared and I want to lean on my minister, but she's leaving and it hurts.

Jan 28, 2016, 06:35 PM

Hugs, of course it hurts :sad:

divine1966 · Jan 28, 2016, 06:52 PM

Of course it is tough but I have a feeling it will be a good thing for you. Hugs

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Cinnamon_Stick · Jan 28, 2016, 11:43 PM

I also have a feeling this will be good for you pink. You are on the road to healing. Hugs to you!

PinkFlamingo99 · Jan 29, 2016, 10:36 AM

Thanks everyone. I think another part of this is admitting I'm sick enough to need it.

Possible trigger:

I realize the stupidity of this as I sit here, again, with 28 stitches in my wrist/forearm and in so much pain I barely slept. Yet it's being in intensive therapy that makes me feel sick.

Part of me is relieved because if I let myself admit it, I can't cope.

PinkFlamingo99 · Jan 29, 2016, 11:12 AM

I feel so afraid and sad that I failed at "normal" therapy.

JaneTennison1 · Jan 29, 2016, 11:18 AM

You didn't fail and this doesn't say anything bad about you. You have some powerfully negative things at work with you, things you did not create and in order to fight them you deserve all of the help available to you. Accept the help you can get.

Jan 29, 2016, 11:37 AM

Sometimes we just need a level of care that goes beyond the services we are currently receiving. That isn't a failure. That's just a progression of needs and services. I am just so glad that you are in a situation where those increased services are available for you because your physical safety is so important in order to get to a place where you can really heal.

divine1966 · Jan 29, 2016, 11:47 AM

You didn't fail, you just need different treatment. If you have any kind of other illness and needed different more aggressive treatment you wouldn't think you failed.

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Jan 29, 2016, 12:00 PM

Lean into the new program, PF. I know it will be hard to leave your current therapist, but she'll be nearby and waiting for you when you reach a point of healing that you can go back to her. I send you lots of healing thoughts and positive vibes. Things will get better. You're in the crest of the wave right now, it will decrease and it will pass. Take care of you.

PinkFlamingo99 · Jan 29, 2016, 02:01 PM

I'm so stupid. I feel like I failed at therapy and I'm just "too much." I'm in so much pain from the stupid SH I did yesterday I threw up all night and paced because it hurt too unbearably to even watch tv. It's the worst pain I've ever felt and I've done way worse to mysellf.Way worse than my gallbladder surgery last year or the surgery on my broken arm. I'm exhausted and in so much pain I don't know how to survive work, but if I call in sick again, I'll lose my job. I can't even go anywhere and try to get something for pain because there's hardly anything I can take with my MAOI antidepressant, and my pdoc is away. Tylenol is barely making a dent, but at least it's way more bearable than last night. Still, was hard to get dressed, put on a bra, brush my hair. I look like hell.

God, could I be any more stupid?

Jan 29, 2016, 02:03 PM

You're not stupid. You're hurting. There's a difference.

ETA: hurting = emotionally

RedSun · Jan 29, 2016, 02:10 PM

((((Pink))))

LonesomeTonight · Jan 29, 2016, 04:03 PM

Just wanted to send you

LonesomeTonight · Jan 29, 2016, 04:06 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by PinkFlamingo99

Thanks everyone. I think another part of this is admitting I'm sick enough to need it.

Possible trigger:

I realize the stupidity of this as I sit here, again, with 28 stitches in my wrist/forearm and in so much pain I barely slept. Yet it's being in intensive therapy that makes me feel sick.

Part of me is relieved because if I let myself admit it, I can't cope.

Dealing with physical pain is different from dealing with emotional pain. And you fear the unknown, as so many of us do...

PinkFlamingo99 · Jan 29, 2016, 05:03 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by JaneTennison1

You didn't fail and this doesn't say anything bad about you. You have some powerfully negative things at work with you, things you did not create and in order to fight them you deserve all of the help available to you. Accept the help you can get.

Thank you. I know you're right. And I'm lucky that they are ethical enough to make me get the help I need. I know I'm in danger but it's hard to admit how bad it is when I don't value my safety like I shoukd. I guess I just need to let other people help me care for myself until I can do it myself.

PinkFlamingo99 · Jan 29, 2016, 05:06 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by lolagrace

Sometimes we just need a level of care that goes beyond the services we are currently receiving. That isn't a failure. That's just a progression of needs and services. I am just so glad that you are in a situation where those increased services are available for you because your physical safety is so important in order to get to a place where you can really heal.

Thank you. I am glad they are forcing me to confront how much trouble I'm in and how "severely ill" I am, as much as it hurts to hear. I scare myself sometimes. I'm lucky I live somewhere with really good "free" psych care like this.

PinkFlamingo99 · Jan 29, 2016, 05:07 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LonesomeTonight

Dealing with physical pain is different from dealing with emotional pain. And you fear the unknown, as so many of us do...

Yeah. I'm scared of getting better. But the severity of my self-harm is scary too. As hard as it is, maybe I just need to be grateful they're taking the decision away from me

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