[MissCharlotte]

When I explore the therapeutic relationship with T, I have a really hard time holding onto our connection in the moment. I float away, dissociate and work hard at grounding myself. I try to stay conscious of my dissociation so I can intervene and pull myself back. T helps me too by talking to me. His voice is soothing and pulls me back, more now than ever before. This has evolved over the time we have been together, because I remember some months back when I wished he would shut up when I was dissociating!!

I think this happens because I lacked the close relationship with my mother that prepares you for intimacy. If I ever tried to speak to her about anything I needed she dissociated and then, so did I becaue no-one was listening to me anyway. What a pair! Working through this chasm is a challenge and feels somewhat nerve wracking.

I also realized that one of the difficulties I have in letting T know my needs is that I have placed him in this mother-role, and my mother was always overwhelmed with too many kids. So I have been thinking of T as my overwhelmed mother with too many "kids" (clients).

Today we explored the relationship further and I feel the bond getting stronger. Oh it's a leap of faith as across the moat I go.

My mother, the man. Awwww, how cute.