MOTHER (what to do)

I'm new to this forum. It has taken a life time of finally figuring out my mother. The bottom line is , she is narrisistic, paranoid and a martyr. Great huh? My whole life she has placed the blame on my father. Yes, he had faults too. I'm the only girl with two bothers. It has taken this long to figure out that this women doesn't want us to have anything to with our father, but she would never admit it. There is not a single thing I can say to this women without it be twisted or confused. She takes every thing she hears and bends to fit her needs. She is isolated now since my step-father passed away last year. First I lost my step-dad, then aunt, then gradmother , then my dog/child. Back to mom. She has always put me in the position of listening to her and now caring for her. I have always argued with her and till this day (actually, yesterday) hung-up on her. She goes into martyrhood for along time if I don't call her back. I can't stand it anymore, she is 76 years old and getting worse. Now she wants everyone to take care of her and yet she will not travel. She says she holding on to the house for the kids. Well, we are not moving and do not want the house. She can't hear that either. The women does not acknowledge my life or what I do and tells me I'm like my dad. I really believe she never liked me to begin with and my dad told me once "she is jealous of you". I couldn't see that till know. Especially, when she throws my education in my face.I'm at a point in my life and at an opportunity in pursue the things I 've always wanted to do. Instead of a positive conversation with her, it becomes negative and quilt throwing. This type of discussion brings me down and effects my entire life. Last words from her yesterday before I hung-up were, " I'm dead to you, just don't bother with me". Part of me wants to do just that. The last time it lasted 6 months and then Joe died and I never spoke to him again. Someone answere me, I need some advice. Thanks.

My own mother was very difficult to live with while we were growing up and far into our adulthoods. Finally, when we'd had it with her, we insisted that she get on medication. (Her Dr. suggested it to my sister.) It took all four of us standing up to her together to get her to do it, but she finally gave in. Today, she is a different woman; she's much happier and more positive and is fun to be around.

See if you can get your brothers to stand up to her with you and try to get her into therapy and perhaps on medication. After 76 years, it's time for her to be a happy woman and to enjoy the love and companionship of her family.

At this point you have to take care of yourself, first. Sounds selfish (because our mothers taught us that?) but it isn't.
I agree with others about having her MD "adjust" her medication. Usually our lives come back to cheer or haunt us as we become aged and alone. Don't take the full responsibility of her. She's an adult, give her options (as she may not really know or remember them) let her choose and let her live with her decisions.

My mother (85) just totalled her car Monday (June 6th) it was her fault in essence, since she rear ended another car.. pulling into turn lane on wet streets... could have happened to any of us. I couldn't fix the situation for her. (She's ok, btw, even though her seatbelt failed, no airbag, she's just bruised.)

The insurance company can't let her have her car to repair. In FL, once a car is listed as totalled, it can't be driven on street again, has to be sold for parts. She doesn't really have the money to buy a new car, AND pay for the increased insurance premiums if she continued to drive. She HAS to pay the tickets.. oh.. which reminds me to get back on track here: a year ago she and I had one of our very few true "arguments" over her car registration. She insisted she wasn't confused and took care of it. Well, turns out, she didn't and one of her tickets was for unregistered car! She has to live with this, I'm not taking care of it for her. She wanted to drive, she needed to do what was necessary.

Can you find ways to view what your mother is trying to force upon you in this same way? You get to make your own decisions about life. Yes, we have to honor our parents, but we do not have to raise them.

Take care. You aren't alone in taking care of aging parents. (There's a book out for this btw, I tried utilizing some of the things in the book but my mother rebelled. I ended up giving HER the book! LOL)

TC

Again the dissenting voice here. Leave the woman to marinate in her own ugly juices. You go about your life and try to be as loving and kind as possible. You do not deserve the pain she inflicts on you. The other option is to be with her with a tiny part of yorself so that the rest of you can laugh at the crap she pulls. Good luck.

I try to view the antics of aging parents like I would any person whom I would view/see in a nursing home or out and about... when it's someone else's family member, it seems to be easier to laugh at/with them, accept their being "old" and all that stuff. When we are so close that all we see are family dynamics (our own) it can become so bothersome.