1 year anniversary coming up

I was just realizing recently that i hadnt called my old boss to wish him happy january birthday. The first few years after i was last fired, i called and called. Sometimes he even answered the phone because it rang as an outside call - it finally dawned on me that he was hoping it was someone important to him, either personally or professionally, but not my tired needy old arse. I just wanted some acknowledgment from him - that i was important? Thats why that insight was so painfully embarrassing? So i can empathize with that. It took me a long time to get over it. I wonder how Pluto feels - does it even care that we dont think its a planet anymore? Or is it just doing its thing like before. I wanna be more like Pluto. Happy within myself and my own little orbit.

Scarlett-these people have a good point from my experience with x-pdoc. Continued contact with him did NOTHING to relieve my pain. It wasnt until I STOPPED desiring that contact(one sided:me to him) that the healing really started. Does it still hurt? Of course...but not nearly as much as when I continued to contact him. I think if you want to write her, hold onto it until your complaint filed has been closed, maybe if you are asked read it to her in a hearing...if the complaint comes to that...do so. Even if it is the first time in 10.5 months they(the committee with the complaint filed) are gonna wonder if she caused so much pain why you continued in any way to contact her. I never filed a complain on my pdoc... didnt feel I had enough of a case and neither does my current T. Different circumstances. Anyway, just my experience and some opinion. Take it or leave it.

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Idk. I'll talk it over with my T. She's supportive of it. My fiance is supportive too, but he was hesitant at first. At least I'm talking about it and thinking about it before the date.

I'm not the type for writing things and burning them. Doesn't give me any relief. The only time it has provided ne relief was when I burned my journals so no one could use them against me.

I don't know how to treat myself well...well enough to treat myself on the anniversary. Like getting my hair done isn't going to make me forget what happened. And what if I cry? What if that day is really hard for me?

I wish I could see T that day, but at least I can see her the day before.

Maybe it's like one of you said: maybe this has to do with my DBT group. I was supposed to use my voice, but in the end I was silenced. Ex-T has silenced me. And even the grievance...I'm not allowed to call to get an update.

Do you ever just have a gut feeling though? Of right or wrong? For yourself. In DBT, it's the wise mind. I just feel this is right for me. I decided to not make any decision yet. Why should I? I got time. So I will think on it.

Scarlet-no one can make the decision for you that is something only you can do. You gotta do what is best for you. As far as wise mind be sure it is that and you are not letting too much emotion seep in. I know sometimes I dont realize I'm still in emotion mind. And if wanting to write ex-t is in reaction to being silenced by group, not being able to get grievance updates, and ex-t not wanting contact...it sounds to me more emotion mind or atleast it would be for me.
Again make the decision that's best for you. just my 2 cents.

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My therapist favorite cognate: hook. You/we have to hook it together, you/we have to unhook it, it's hooked together for a reason, etc.

It's the most valuable thing I've taken from therapy, and serves me well everyday of my life. Previously, I strung things together in my life, and life was not worth living. As I started to unhook them here and there, I had a little bit of breathing room to think differently. Thus, make a choice without being forced to move the opposite choice off the table. Sorry, if I'm not making sense.

Best to you in what ever your decision may be.

You might feel bad that day. You might cry. You might be very upset or angry but that shall pass too. You'll be fine next day

Primary reason why I wouldn't send anything is your grievance. Kind of if you press charges but keep contacting abuser. Doesn't look right. Plus why letting bad t know that you are unwell and suffering over her? I don't really see why she needs to know, I'd rather she thought you are doing great and finally are getting good therapy

Your new t is in support of mailing anonymous letters to old t? I find it odd



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It's such a red flag for me that you say your current therapist is encouraging you to send a letter to an ex-therapist you have an active complaint against, and who has told you both in no uncertain terms that she never wishes to hear from you again.

Either your therapist has fallen into some big black hole of validation, where she's afraid to point out how terrible this idea is on pretty much every single conceivable level. (Which makes her entirely useless, IMO.)

OR

You are misunderstanding your current therapist completely.

OR

She's unethically encouraging a borderline client to ignore boundaries.

Frankly, if you don't get over this obsession you're going to end up with a restraining order. You're starting to actually sound quite scary, because you seem to have 0 understanding of how completely, utterly, entirely unacceptable your planned behavior is, and you seem to think your feelings justify it.

Either you're getting terrible advice, or you're ignoring good advice.

Over the course of my time here I've watched you lose a therapist, get kicked out of a DBT group, and now plan unwanted contact. And in none of those cases do you ever seem to acknowledge that you could have any role to play in the outcome. You live in a world of these unfathomable, sudden betrayals and abandonments - and frankly, Scarlet, that's not how the world works.

After reading this thread, I can very well see why your ex-T may have actually genuinely felt threatened. You do not examine your own behavior at all, not in any constructive or objective way which would actually be useful. You are all about your feelings, and you get dangerously upset if you feel they aren't validated. That's a scary trait in anybody. I can well imagine people being scared to say the wrong thing to you for fear of what you might do to yourself or (by extrapolation perhaps) someone else.

I think you should forget about your ex-T and put some real effort into yourself, because this path of demanding neverending validation for everything is going to land you in some really bad places. It's been almost a year, and you've still not gotten any real perspective on the only person who really matters in this: YOU

Sending stuff to an ex-therapist anonymously is a creepy, weird thing to do, and if you do it, you'll be a creepy weird person.

In DBT wise mind isn't really the gut though. It's a place you come to where you acknowledge the emotions being experienced and the facts of a situation. "Intuition" and "gut" would usually get filed under "emotion mind". Obviously we make decisions on a spectrum, sometimes wise mind will be closer to emotion mind and sometimes closer to reason mind, but it's important to sit down with the skills - that's how you'll know if you've reached wise mind. We can eventually, with much practice, get to a place where wise mind is more natural, but we shouldn't assume what we feel in our gut is it.

I'm glad you'll think on it some more. It might help to put this against several DBT skills, like pro-con, etc. I think people bringing up the fact that this could be used against you should definitely carry a lot of weight. You've been wounded deeply, healing takes time, and taking care of yourself might be crying in a pint of ice cream with a sad movie on Netflix.

Your gut feeling is possibly telling you that this will feel good and will help you through the day. Your gut feeling maybe is right on that. But it's still might not be the right thing to do in a long term. Give it time to think through

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This makes sense. Ty. Still difficult decision for me. But you do have a good point.

You'll all be happy to know that I'm taking your advice. I'm not going to send ex-T something on our anniversary. I think divine1966 is right: sending it would be the wrong thing to do for the grievance, but the right thing to do for my feelings. And Nowhereusa, you're right too: I'm only focusing on the feelings, not logic.

I talked it over with my T. I told her what you all said. She basically said I told you so. She said "Isn't that what my concern was last week?" I guess I blocked out that part of the conversation.

We talked about still writing. She thinks I should write a letter. I told her that I don't want to burn it or rip it up. That to me it has no meaning and it just disappears. So she came up with two ideas: a wish lantern or a letter in a bottle thrown out into the ocean. I like the idea of a letter in a bottle. Feel bad for the person who reads it.

I also told her how some suggested I do something special on the anniversary. I told her it's not like me and doesn't feel right. She agreed. She said I'm a little bit dark/have some revenge in me. She thinks it would be more powerful for me if I have a normal day. I told her that I have nothing to do on Thursdays. So she came up with the idea that I go to the dentist. I loved the idea! It is a normal thing for me to go to the dentist about twice a month. And there is an aspect of pain. I know. It sounds weird. But if it helps?

Any other ideas? What to do with the letter? What are normal things to do in a day?

Maybe a letter to yourself in a year, to remind future you how far you have come. Or a letter to yourself in the past letting yourself know that it will be ok and that you do get through this.

Hmm. That's a positive spin. I like that. Thanks!

Good job scarlet! Good insight. I am not sure what to do with the letter but I like idea of appointment

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DBT has this concept of alternate rebellion which I think is what your T is onto with things like going to the dentist.

It's tax season, do you need to prep your stuff for taxes? I'm a stay at home mom, so there's always things to be done - cleaning, cooking, organizing, phone calls. Scrub the bathroom I need to scrub the bathroom which is why I mention that.

Go get a massage!