When transference ends

I'm wondering, has anyone else experienced this? After years of obsession (and gentle rejection) by my therapist, I've finally had some evidence thrown in my face that he hasn't even known my full name this whole time. Somehow this is enough for me to deduce he doesn't love, care about me, whatever, after all. Since then the obsession is lifting and I finally look at him and see I have made it all up in my head.

He would be mad about this word, but I guess what I'm saying is I in effect just feel pathetic, and I see myself that way again. In the past I would have felt alone and sad, but I feel fine, and slightly angry. It's as if I can see myself from a dispassionate observers standpoint and now I just think, poor girl, looking for love she's not going to find. I just think I have been looking for something that cant be found, and that's all the love I've never felt, and probably won't because I suppose every person is not entitled to be loved.

I'm sorry. I don't know what is going on with your T, but I do know this. Every person deserves to be loved. Everyone. Including you.

Thanks. I know that. I'm back now.

What do you mean that you're back now? I'm glad if you're feeling that you're entitled to be loved because you ARE! About your T. You mean he doesn't know your last name? That sounds a little odd. Are you sure? Even if that's true, it doesn't mean he doesn't care about you. I see my T in a more real way now, and it does feel like a loss. Loss of the fantasy that she was the one who could give me everything I want and need. She can't. But she's still compassionate and caring, and can help me get what I want and need from others.

I'm sorry some therapists are not able to love (perhaps because of their own dx...)
Some therapists do reject us, some gently, some callously

I understand this. I didn't think I had transference but when T left me in such a cruel way it was like my eyes were finally open and it felt like waking up.

Sorry you are in such a roller coaster. I agree with what was mentioned above that remembering a full name has probably little to do with how much he cares for you. I guess he remembers your first name of whatever he calls you in therapy and the rest may just be something that is not mentioned often. I have a complicated and rare surname and often even people who have been in close relationships with me for years don't remember correctly and/or cannot pronounce it.

I think most people are sensitive to rejection, but in my experience what we perceive as rejection in the moment is often not that, we infuse it with personal interpretation based on whatever can trigger us the most. You mentioned you feel slightly angry -- if it's at him, probably better than feeling worthless.

EVERY person deserves to be loved.. And that includes you!! Your therapist has maintained boundaries but I would hope that he would know your last name and show some empathy and compassion.. Don't be so hard on yourself!!😊😊

I hear your pain - that sounds very difficult.

I'm not sure if this point even matters, but I think names can be tricker than we realize sometimes. I have several dear friends in a gang that I've known about 5 years - I am not sure how to pronounce the last name of one of them, and when I visited another one recently I realized I didn't know what name he would be using for his apartment (he's from another country and uses a couple of different versions, and I've never paid much attention to which last name he uses when.) My father has passed away now, but I am actually to this day hazy on how he preferred to spell of one of his names. My own last name has two different pronunciations, and I'd be surprised if my therapist knew the way I like it pronounced. I've only said my last name out loud to him once ever, at our first session. Many of my best friends don't say my name the way I pronounce it.

I hope this doesn't sound invalidating, as that's not my intent - I just think that even though our names are so basic and meaningful to us, there is a whole range of reasons why someone might get people's names wrong. I can imagine how much it might hurt, but I think there might be other explanations than that he doesn't care.

But I am sorry he got your name wrong, and I'm sorry that it hurt you!

Petra5ed, thank you very much for this post. I definitely want to echo what others here have said: everyone is deserving of love.

My extremely intense, obsessive, years-long transference is also in the process of slipping away from me. The transference was not for my T, but for a person in my daily life. My T was the one who helped me break it. I am so grateful, but it is also a loss. I keep wanting to turn to this person--both in my head and in real life—for love, affection, attention, and solace. Since this person is now a friend of mine, she can give me these in a limited way. But I see the truth about her now. She is not wise and all-knowing with infinite love to give. I do not think I am as special to her as I thought. She is there for me as a good friend is, but now her responses (which really haven't changed) seem inadequate. I can't help but see the real person now. It is very disappointing. I also feel angry at times that she is not who I need her to be. I'm trying to remember that it will take time to transition back from the heightened state I was living in for so long.

I wish you all the best.

I don't think your transference ended. It sounds like you stopped idealizing him.
Yes, it fizzled out with me too in a similar way.

I'm sorry you feel pathetic. I understand the feeling. Can you look at it as sort of 'growing up' instead?