[LesFleursDuMal]

Hi everyone,

I've been having trouble sleeping lately, I feel anxious as if someone was there with me, touching me and it reminds me a lot of bad things (csa). My therapist knows what happened to me. But something else has been bothering me on and off for the past year, most of the time I just try not to think about it. This other thing is about my mother, how I remember her touching me when I was younger, (4, 5 years old), touching my genitals stuff like that. I know she's my mother so it's probably normal that she could touch me, but I didn't like it.

I want to tell my therapist, but the context involves masturbation and I'm so scared of talking about this and I don't know if I should... I know he always says I can talk about anything I want and he can hear eveything I have to say but I don't know what to do. First because I feel stupid about those memories with my mother, I tell myself that it's nothing, that it's not worth talking about. And secondly because I don't know if masturbation and those kind of things could be too much information for him...
I wrote down a few things I want to tell him about my mother and the way I feel around her and I want to give it to him on my next appointment (next tuesday). Do you think that's a good idea ?

Sorry it's so long... Thanks for your advice, and please tell me if I should just forget about the whole thing because she's my mother and it doesn't matter.

This sounds like important stuff to talk about in therapy. T should offer a safe space to explore these memories and your feelings around them. Masturbation is not too much information for a therapist. I have talked about masturbation with my male T and though I was uncomfortable and embarrassed at first, he didn't bat an eyelid. It's much easier to talk about that sort of stuff to him now I'm used to it.

[LesFleursDuMal]

Thanks for your answer Echos Myron. I hope I'll have the courage to bring it up then.

[Myrto]

I would be mortified to talk about masturbation with my therapist and she's a woman like me. But I think therapists have heard much worse than that so it will be fine.
As for the memories, they seem important even if they're not necessarily csa, I think you should definitely talk about it with your T. Even stuff that don't seem important, if they pop into your mind they must mean something and are worth bringing up. Good luck!

[LesFleursDuMal]

Thaks you very much Myrto. I'm also mortified just thinking about it, but I've been seeing my T for more than 2 years so I guess it's time to talk about those kind of things. I agree what happened with my mother is not csa, I would never see it that way, I went through csa and I see the difference.

[junkDNA]

i've talked about masturbation with my male T (i am female). i was surprised at how comfortable i felt during it... he didnt seem shocked or anything either which was helpful

[LesFleursDuMal]

Thanks for sharing your experience. I hope I'll eventually feel as comfortable as you did. I had another awful night so I really can't wait to see him and talk about everything. I know my mother did nothing wrong I just hate the thought of having been touched that way.