[FightingTheStorm]

Well, I'm really nervous. In my 20 (almost 21) years of living, I've had two doctors thus far. I had Bob until he retired and Randy after Bob until I went away to college, and I haven't seen anyone in a long time (meaning probably 2 year). I was supposed to see someone the day before the new year to start my way along the hormone therapy trail, but that got dashed when my car broke down and I had to save up to get a new car. Now that I have my new beauty and I have my tax return coming in whenever that happens, I have rescheduled to start with this new doctor that the office helped pick out for me. I'm really nervous. I don't do well with new things like this. My previous doctor said it has something to do with my Adjustment Disorder. I don't adjust well to new changes, or it takes me a longer time to adjust than 'normal' people. I mean, my first visit with Randy, I barely spoke to him, and DEFINITELY did not make eye contact. I...don't really do well with eye contact, but I learned that trick where you look at a person's forehead or wall behind them instead and it gives them the illusion that you're looking at them while they speak. But I stared at my hand and twiddled my thumbs. That was also back when I was down the road of self harm, and it happened almost every other week.

But a new doctor. I came to the conclusion that I had to schedule an appointment when I hit my down the other week. I think that was actually when I started coming on here again. Because I needed something. I needed some sort of outlet because I was going places that I didn't want to go to in my head and my emotions. I'm good right now, but I mean, good is sometimes an illusion. The calm before the storm sets in again. Just like a hurricane. You have the bad part, then the eye hits and everything is nice and calm, and then the storm hits again. I think I'm in the eye of this latest storm, and I have no idea how long this calm will last. So, I have an appointment set for the 23rd of next month (because that's seriously the earliest that they had that was on one of my days off). In the meantime, I'm here, letting out what I need to, when I need to, and talking to you guys and gals, the lovely people that respond to me on here. And I thank all of you, you're wonderful.

I'm so nervous, though. I don't know why, I can't explain it. But I just am. I'm nervous about meeting this new doctor. I'm nervous I won't be able to easily talk to them. I'm nervous that they won't be able to provide the kind of help or outlet that I'm looking for. I don't know... It's not like it's a forever commitment or anything, so I don't know why I get so nervous, but I just do... it's hard to explain when I don't even know why it happens. And maybe this doctor could shed some light on why I feel this way, but what if they can't? We loop back to, what if they can't help me? But there's the other side of it, what if they CAN and I'm just too afraid to LET them? I don't know... I'll probably post more as the appointment date closes in. And I'll write after the appointment to say how it goes.

[CantExplain]

How was it?