No hug, never ever

I completely understand how you're feeling. I had just assumed my T didn't hug or touch at all, until one time maybe 6 months ago I brought up a thread on here about touch and was like, "I'm assuming you don't give hugs." And then she said she did hug some of her clients. It took me a session or two to get up the nerve to ask why she never hugged me. She said it was because I had some maternal transference, and she was afraid that would make it stronger. It really hurt, because it felt like I was being punished for having that transference.

Interestingly, a few months ago, I was going through a particularly rough period, and she started touching me lightly on the arm or shoulder as I was walking out. This was after seeing her for 4 years with no touch. It was amazing to me how much that meant to me, just a light touch on the arm. But then when she didn't do it one time, it was like, "Wait, why didn't she touch me?"

Then before she was going to leave for the holidays, she gave me a "holiday hug," which was really warm and nice. I also saw her for a sort of emergency session again before the holidays and she hugged me again. No hugs in the session after the holidays, but after a rough one, as I was walking out, I was like, "Is there any chance I could have a hug? I'm sorry, I know I shouldn't ask." And she was like, "Of course! You don't need to apologize for asking for a hug." And then she hugged me. We haven't since, but it's nice to know she's willing to hug me if I ask for it now (though not sure how she'd react if I asked for it after every session).

My marriage counselor doesn't hug that I'm aware of, but he does shake hands at the end of the session. I wonder if your T would be willing to do that? It's a nice compromise between no touch at all and some physical connection. Sometimes he shakes hands before the session, too, which is nice because it's a connection right in the beginning. Once, before I planned to bring up some difficult personal stuff, he didn't hold his hand out before the session, but I stopped and held mine out, and he shook it. It was like I needed that connection, almost like reassurance, before the session.

I will admit that I'd give almost anything for a hug from him, or even better, for him to hold me. I've had some pretty intense transference for him though (both some erotic and some paternal), and though we've mostly worked through it and he's been great about it (for the most part), I still feel like I could never ask him for a hug. Well, maybe if it was my last session. The thought of him saying "no" would just be too painful, so I know I couldn't ask. He's good at what he's called "hugging from across the room," like with his eyes, voice, and body language, so I just let myself feel that. On the phone, it's felt like he's hugged me with just his voice a few times, too. So between that and the handshakes (I have held on longer than normal a few times, I admit), I'm OK.

But I get it...and I think you need to talk about it more with T. And if it's that painful, consider finding a T who is willing to do touch, though that sounds difficult where you live.

My therapist won't hug me. I knew this. Somehow I've always known this.
I asked her in June whether she would hold me in her arms (I have massive maternal transference) and she softly said that no, therapy wasn't the place for such a thing.

So I knew where she stood. Intellectually I knew.
But not emotionally.
Emotionally I was still hoping that one day she would touch me.

On Tuesday, we talked about my attachment and how much suffering it causes me. So I told her that I loved her and that I wanted her to hold me.
Her answer? "hum hum" followed by " I have to telle you that it will never happen". It was so blunt, so cold in a way, even if I'm sure she didn't intend to sound that way.

It's like I've finally realized nothing will ever happen. Emotionally I know she will not hug me. And I'm heartbroken.
I've been heartbroken all week. I'm furious too. Furious against myself for wanting such a thing. But I do. Desperately.

Thanks for reading. If you have any comment or advice, it would be greatly appreciated.

Same here. I literally begged her for one, multiple times. Nope, not ever. I accused her of allowing me to die if I had a heart attack in her office because she wouldn't touch me - CPR - while waiting for the paramedics. In 5 years, we never touched.

I, too, was desperate for hugs and holds, or so I thought, and I finally found a therapist that said yes. It messed things up so bad that we had to terminate therapy. Of course, she took full responsibility and ownership for crossing this boundary even though I was the one that asked for it, and she was also kind enough to help me to find another therapist.

We discussed it at length during our final session and realized what a mistake it had been to go there, and we both felt really, really badly that it didn't turn out like we thought it would because instead of helping it actually made things worse and ruptured what up to that point in time had been a good therapeutic relationship.

Touch seems very prevalent in the US, at least based on what I read on here.
But perhaps that's not representative? I don't know.
My therapist won't even hold hands. No touch at all.
Thanks.

I can imagine how it must feel. I've never hugged my T. I've also never asked her. I'm afraid she won't do hugs. It's doesn't matter what reason she would give, hearing no would be really painful.
It's not like I would want to hug at every session. But after some sessions it would just feel really good to get a hug, even if it only takes a second. Maybe I'll have the courage to ask for one at the last session before her leave. I think it would feel very good to get a hug. I don't know if it would make me want more and more or if I would be fine with just one hug (once in a while)?
Last year there were two times that she touched me shoulder for a second. That felt so good. It was just a short touch, but it felt special/caring.
Sometimes she gives a handshake after a session, but it has been a while. I don't take that initiaitve. Afraid for rejection.

Pdoc shakes hands at the beginning and end of appointments. I like this. Though I also have to laugh when I think about it, it seems so business-like, like ''it was good doing business with you''. But I like that he does it at every appointment.

I'm not sure how the hugging-culture in my country is. It's not like in the USA, from what I've seen on tv. Most people do hug a family member on things like birthdays and I often see girls/women friends who hug eachother when meeting and saying goodbye.
But in therapy? I've never had any T who mentioned anything about hugging. With most T's I felt no desire to hug. But when I see programms on tv in which they also use a therapist (make-over programms and the sort), the T's in those programms often give the main person (client) a hug. Also those T's seem a lot more personal/emotional from what I've experienced with T's. Maybe it's only because it's for television?

I don't really have advice. Maybe what others have said, ask if she will do handshakes. Talk about it. If this really don't work for you, maybe look for another T?

I am sorry Myrto... I was reading yesterday this article and your post came to mind. Maybe you will find something helpful in it.

Why your therapist SEEMS cruel, but really isn?t | Tales of a Boundary Ninja

That was a moving and insightful, and incredibly helpful, resource. Thank your for sharing!

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my T will hug me or touch my back or arm sometimes. he rubbed my back once when i was barfing into a trash can. he rubbed my arm for a little bit when we were on an airplane and i was hearing voices and having a hard time with it. on thursday i picked up his cards cuz we were playing smash up and he playfully smacked my hand, lol. i have paternal transference for him, and i told him about it, and i told him i love him like a parent... and it hasnt changed anything in our relationship. he said the transference and love feeling are a good sign

Sorry you're having such a hard time with your T's boundaries.

My T does not hug, AFAIK. I have not asked for and don't want any kind of touch from him, and he has never offered. I'm in the US, btw, for those wondering if it's regional. Maybe it is, but also individual.

Sometimes I have found myself wishing for some additional attention, affection, or whatever from my T. Generally what I do is try to recognize that the need I feel isn't about my T. Like I might be feeling a need for support or attention, and casting him as the solution to that need. But he's not the only possible solution, I can try to fulfill the need some other way. If I wanted a hug from my T and couldn't have one, I would try to find a friend or family member to hug me instead.