[Myrto]

My therapist won't hug me. I knew this. Somehow I've always known this.
I asked her in June whether she would hold me in her arms (I have massive maternal transference) and she softly said that no, therapy wasn't the place for such a thing.

So I knew where she stood. Intellectually I knew.
But not emotionally.
Emotionally I was still hoping that one day she would touch me.

On Tuesday, we talked about my attachment and how much suffering it causes me. So I told her that I loved her and that I wanted her to hold me.
Her answer? "hum hum" followed by " I have to telle you that it will never happen". It was so blunt, so cold in a way, even if I'm sure she didn't intend to sound that way.

It's like I've finally realized nothing will ever happen. Emotionally I know she will not hug me. And I'm heartbroken.
I've been heartbroken all week. I'm furious too. Furious against myself for wanting such a thing. But I do. Desperately.

Thanks for reading. If you have any comment or advice, it would be greatly appreciated.

[Petra5ed]

All I can say is, that would be very hard for me too. In your shoes I would be heartbroken and angry as well.

My only suggestion is to talk about it, or if you cant handle it, to try to move on with someone else. I'm trying to imagine what I would do in your shoes. I think it might be painful enough for me to have to call it quits, but I am also one to argue that hugs are non-sexual normal social exchanges whereas it seems for some people, hugs are like super intimate. I don't get that, so I would probably try to argue my view and then leave all pissed off. In my mind, a hug is not a big deal until it's withheld... then it becomes the question of why, and I don't know that I like any of the answers I've heard from non-hugging therapists.

[AllHeart]

Did you specifically for your t to hold you, or, did you ask for her to hug you? To me, there is a huge difference.

I believe the majority of therapists will not hold a client during a session. Even though I know this all stings, you shouldn't take it personally.

I'm so sorry you are hurting. It's human nature to want to be held and touched by someone that comforts us so. Sounds like your t could have handled things a little more compassionately. I am sorry she didn't.

[Myrto]

Originally Posted by AllHeart

Did you specifically for your t to hold you, or, did you ask for her to hug you? To me, there is a huge difference.

I believe the majority of therapists will not hold a client during a session. Even though I know this all stings, you shouldn't take it personally.

I'm so sorry you are hurting. It's human nature to want to be held and touched by someone that comforts us so. Sounds like your t could have handled things a little more compassionately. I am sorry she didn't.

I asked either for hug or for her to hold me. She said no to both.
I know I shouldn't take it personally but it's hard.
Thanks.

[feralkittymom]

What I think is sad is that a T could choose to both not touch, yet recognize what is driving the client's wish and fulfill it in another way. This would not only temper the sting of feeling rejected, but also be an opportunity for deepening emotional work. And yet so many seem to not get it. It's a huge failure on a T's part. Have you tried to express how it leaves you feeling? Does she have a response?

[Yoda]

Now that the communication is open between you and your T about transference she needs to help you manage those feelings.

[Bipolar Warrior]

I'm so sorry you're hurting.

I will never understand why some therapists are so weird and rigid about physical affection. I get the feeling that my own private therapist is like that, which doesn't really bother me because I'm not very attached to her. I'm not sure how she would react if I ever asked for it.

With my uni therapist it has been the opposite; she has been the one who's been asking if she could hug me. The thought of intimacy is really scary to me, so I was resistant for months, but she kept offering. Two weeks before Christmas I had a breakdown and tried to quit via email, because I felt like she probably found me annoying and I couldn't stand the thought of that. The day after I sent the email I screened four calls from her, only to receive the sweetest email about half an hour later. I was at a bus stop when I read it, and I broke into tears and sobbed on the sidewalk. When I got home I called her back, still sobbing. Our session three days later was really emotional, and at the end she got up and walked me to the door. She tentatively put her hand on my shoulder, and the look on her face made me ask her if she wanted a hug. She said yes, she would love a hug, so we hugged and then she said "I love you".

For me, that was something I really needed, because I had the most insane reaction to it. I couldn't handle it at all. Processing it took several weeks, and it was only last week that I finally broke down in tears in our session. She then did another thing she had expressed a wish to do several times before, which was come and sit next to me so she could hold me. We sat like that for several minutes. She was softly stroking my back the whole time. She kept saying things like, "It's okay, sweetheart," while I just hid my face in my hands. It was a very healing experience. I am now ready to accept her love, because I have battled through the emotions. I have come out on the other side. It's a huge relief.

I really think that this is something every therapist should consider. I'm sorry your therapist is withholding it, because I actually believe it makes the attachment much harder to cope with. I don't understand why so many therapists subscribe to the idea that physical affection will encourage further attachment. I was struggling with my love for my uni therapist for months, but her loving words and actions have really helped. I still love her, but now it feels healthy, and I wish I could share my experience with those therapists who think it is necessary to withhold it. My emotional pain has diminished significantly thanks to the love and nurture my therapist has given me.

Has your therapist ever explained to you why she thinks it is so important to stick to those boundaries so rigidly? Have the two of you talked about how her not being physically affectionate will benefit you therapeutically? Because to me it looks like it's just hurting you. So is she keeping those boundaries for your benefit, or for her own?

[growlycat]

Some T's do use touch and hugs when appropriate. I suffered for a long time under a T who had harsh boundaries. It is unnecessary to stay with a T whose style does not fit your needs. Time to go t shopping

[musinglizzy]

I'm so sorry Myrto. I know how it feels, both on the receiving end and on the rejected end, from the same T. I know it's not all that common for Ts to hold clients, but mine did, and I found it SO helpful for me. It helped me to cry, and feel safe and accepted doing so. It helped me feel more confident, more accepting of kindness and caring from others, and was extremely damaging when T decided to stop doing it. A year later, I'm still trying to work through it. T still hugs, though. I think it's so cold when a T won't even hug a client once in awhile, but at least your T is consistent. I'm sure it's not easy for her to deny you of this kind of care, but she's staying consistent in her modalities with you. If it isn't working for you, can you search for a new T?

Maybe ask her why? Maybe she's been sexually abused and doesn't like touch or a previous client did something or said something and it might have gone bad that she's trying to prevent. She might have valid reasons why.
Ask her where to get hugs. They're hard to find.

[BayBrony]

I second growly's advice. My T is very open to touch. It is an intimate relationship but also a business one. If the T does not meet a need you feel is crucial, it might be time to consider another T. There are Ts who use touch, some of whom use it liberally. For me the healing I've experienced would never have occurred without it

[Myrto]

Originally Posted by Bipolar Warrior

I'm so sorry you're hurting.

I will never understand why some therapists are so weird and rigid about physical affection. I get the feeling that my own private therapist is like that, which doesn't really bother me because I'm not very attached to her. I'm not sure how she would react if I ever asked for it.

With my uni therapist it has been the opposite; she has been the one who's been asking if she could hug me. The thought of intimacy is really scary to me, so I was resistant for months, but she kept offering. Two weeks before Christmas I had a breakdown and tried to quit via email, because I felt like she probably found me annoying and I couldn't stand the thought of that. The day after I sent the email I screened four calls from her, only to receive the sweetest email about half an hour later. I was at a bus stop when I read it, and I broke into tears and sobbed on the sidewalk. When I got home I called her back, still sobbing. Our session three days later was really emotional, and at the end she got up and walked me to the door. She tentatively put her hand on my shoulder, and the look on her face made me ask her if she wanted a hug. She said yes, she would love a hug, so we hugged and then she said "I love you".

For me, that was something I really needed, because I had the most insane reaction to it. I couldn't handle it at all. Processing it took several weeks, and it was only last week that I finally broke down in tears in our session. She then did another thing she had expressed a wish to do several times before, which was come and sit next to me so she could hold me. We sat like that for several minutes. She was softly stroking my back the whole time. She kept saying things like, "It's okay, sweetheart," while I just hid my face in my hands. It was a very healing experience. I am now ready to accept her love, because I have battled through the emotions. I have come out on the other side. It's a huge relief.

I really think that this is something every therapist should consider. I'm sorry your therapist is withholding it, because I actually believe it makes the attachment much harder to cope with. I don't understand why so many therapists subscribe to the idea that physical affection will encourage further attachment. I was struggling with my love for my uni therapist for months, but her loving words and actions have really helped. I still love her, but now it feels healthy, and I wish I could share my experience with those therapists who think it is necessary to withhold it. My emotional pain has diminished significantly thanks to the love and nurture my therapist has given me.

Has your therapist ever explained to you why she thinks it is so important to stick to those boundaries so rigidly? Have the two of you talked about how her not being physically affectionate will benefit you therapeutically? Because to me it looks like it's just hurting you. So is she keeping those boundaries for your benefit, or for her own?

She said that therapy was not the place for such a thing.
I also think that she's uncomfortable with the whole thing. She's not used to it. I'm sure none her patients has ever expressed such a wish.
So she's keeping those boundaries for her benefit, definitely. She doesn't want to hug me/touch me. She won't. I also think touch is a technique that's very rarely used in my country among therapists. It has a lot to do with culture. People don't hug each other for instance.
Of course it's hurting me. But what can I do?
Thanks.

[Myrto]

Originally Posted by indanthrenegecko

Maybe ask her why? Maybe she's been sexually abused and doesn't like touch or a previous client did something or said something and it might have gone bad that she's trying to prevent. She might have valid reasons why.
Ask her where to get hugs. They're hard to find.

Like I said, people don't hug in my country, not like in the US, so asking for a hug in therapy is already uncommon. From what I've been able to gather, touch in therapy seems more commonly used in Anglo-Saxon countries, especially in America while in my country, touch is very frowned upon in therapy.
So her rigid boundaries, as much as they hurt me, are not an anomaly.

The pain in your post is quite evident. I'm sorry for what you're going through, that would be tough for me, too.

Originally Posted by Myrto

My therapist won't hug me. I knew this. Somehow I've always known this.
I asked her in June whether she would hold me in her arms (I have massive maternal transference) and she softly said that no, therapy wasn't the place for such a thing.

So I knew where she stood. Intellectually I knew.
But not emotionally.
Emotionally I was still hoping that one day she would touch me.

On Tuesday, we talked about my attachment and how much suffering it causes me. So I told her that I loved her and that I wanted her to hold me.
Her answer? "hum hum" followed by " I have to telle you that it will never happen". It was so blunt, so cold in a way, even if I'm sure she didn't intend to sound that way.

It's like I've finally realized nothing will ever happen. Emotionally I know she will not hug me. And I'm heartbroken.
I've been heartbroken all week. I'm furious too. Furious against myself for wanting such a thing. But I do. Desperately.

Thanks for reading. If you have any comment or advice, it would be greatly appreciated.

I don't think she handled it in a theraputic way. Find a T that uses the theraputic frame in all conversations.

Sorry you're hurting Myrto - your pain is palpable

But when it comes to hugging - I just don't think there is a place for it in therapy. When I read about the touch used in therapy so often here, it kinda freaks me out. It just seems wrong to me. I can absolutely understand a client wanting a hug, but I think your T did the right thing. Its important for you to be absolutely clear on her boundaries. I agree with a previous poster - it seems Amercian therapists use touch a LOT more than here in Europe. My T will hold hands, but thats it. And to be honest I find even that a bit skin crawly. I can see maybe it would be helpful in certain circumstances, but certainly not in every single session. Thats just too weird for me! If I want a hug, I'll hug my friends, or my cats, or my bf pillow - from my T... I just want therapy!

[harvest moon]

I am sorry Myrto... I was reading yesterday this article and your post came to mind. Maybe you will find something helpful in it.

Why your therapist SEEMS cruel, but really isn?t | Tales of a Boundary Ninja

[Myrto]

Originally Posted by harvest moon

I am sorry Myrto... I was reading yesterday this article and your post came to mind. Maybe you will find something helpful in it.

Why your therapist SEEMS cruel, but really isn?t | Tales of a Boundary Ninja

Thanks that was very helpful

[Myrto]

Originally Posted by CassyO

Sorry you're hurting Myrto - your pain is palpable

But when it comes to hugging - I just don't think there is a place for it in therapy. When I read about the touch used in therapy so often here, it kinda freaks me out. It just seems wrong to me. I can absolutely understand a client wanting a hug, but I think your T did the right thing. Its important for you to be absolutely clear on her boundaries. I agree with a previous poster - it seems Amercian therapists use touch a LOT more than here in Europe. My T will hold hands, but thats it. And to be honest I find even that a bit skin crawly. I can see maybe it would be helpful in certain circumstances, but certainly not in every single session. Thats just too weird for me! If I want a hug, I'll hug my friends, or my cats, or my bf pillow - from my T... I just want therapy!

Touch seems very prevalent in the US, at least based on what I read on here.
But perhaps that's not representative? I don't know.
My therapist won't even hold hands. No touch at all.
Thanks.

[nicoleflynn]

If something is directed to YOU, it IS personal! If you google Dr.Zur Institute yu will find some amazing material. It is sad that in this day and age, that professionals fear a hug. I get a hug hello and goodbye.

I, too, was desperate for hugs and holds, or so I thought, and I finally found a therapist that said yes. It messed things up so bad that we had to terminate therapy. Of course, she took full responsibility and ownership for crossing this boundary even though I was the one that asked for it, and she was also kind enough to help me to find another therapist.

We discussed it at length during our final session and realized what a mistake it had been to go there, and we both felt really, really badly that it didn't turn out like we thought it would because instead of helping it actually made things worse and ruptured what up to that point in time had been a good therapeutic relationship.

[Myrto]

Originally Posted by Pfrog

I, too, was desperate for hugs and holds, or so I thought, and I finally found a therapist that said yes. It messed things up so bad that we had to terminate therapy. Of course, she took full responsibility and ownership for crossing this boundary even though I was the one that asked for it, and she was also kind enough to help me to find another therapist.

We discussed it at length during our final session and realized what a mistake it had been to go there, and we both felt really, really badly that it didn't turn out like we thought it would because instead of helping it actually made things worse and ruptured what up to that point in time had been a good therapeutic relationship.

Thank you for talking about your experience. That sounds incredibly painful.
I of course have no idea how things would turn out if my therapist agreed to hug me but considering her no touch policy is all about her boudaries and her benefit, I'm not sure it's exactly therapeutic either.

[awkwardlyyours]

Am sorry you're hurting, Myrto.

I'm not sure if I have anything useful to offer but your post reminded me of this poignant scene from Alison Bechdel's 'Are you my mother?' (this is assuming you haven't read it of course) -- Bechdel's going through a pretty rough patch when she kinda reaches the end of her rope and asks her therapist for a hug. Her therapist refuses and Bechdel's understandably devastated -- in the book, she then goes on to analyze all of it.

[LonesomeTonight]

I completely understand how you're feeling. I had just assumed my T didn't hug or touch at all, until one time maybe 6 months ago I brought up a thread on here about touch and was like, "I'm assuming you don't give hugs." And then she said she did hug some of her clients. It took me a session or two to get up the nerve to ask why she never hugged me. She said it was because I had some maternal transference, and she was afraid that would make it stronger. It really hurt, because it felt like I was being punished for having that transference.

Interestingly, a few months ago, I was going through a particularly rough period, and she started touching me lightly on the arm or shoulder as I was walking out. This was after seeing her for 4 years with no touch. It was amazing to me how much that meant to me, just a light touch on the arm. But then when she didn't do it one time, it was like, "Wait, why didn't she touch me?"

Then before she was going to leave for the holidays, she gave me a "holiday hug," which was really warm and nice. I also saw her for a sort of emergency session again before the holidays and she hugged me again. No hugs in the session after the holidays, but after a rough one, as I was walking out, I was like, "Is there any chance I could have a hug? I'm sorry, I know I shouldn't ask." And she was like, "Of course! You don't need to apologize for asking for a hug." And then she hugged me. We haven't since, but it's nice to know she's willing to hug me if I ask for it now (though not sure how she'd react if I asked for it after every session).

My marriage counselor doesn't hug that I'm aware of, but he does shake hands at the end of the session. I wonder if your T would be willing to do that? It's a nice compromise between no touch at all and some physical connection. Sometimes he shakes hands before the session, too, which is nice because it's a connection right in the beginning. Once, before I planned to bring up some difficult personal stuff, he didn't hold his hand out before the session, but I stopped and held mine out, and he shook it. It was like I needed that connection, almost like reassurance, before the session.

I will admit that I'd give almost anything for a hug from him, or even better, for him to hold me. I've had some pretty intense transference for him though (both some erotic and some paternal), and though we've mostly worked through it and he's been great about it (for the most part), I still feel like I could never ask him for a hug. Well, maybe if it was my last session. The thought of him saying "no" would just be too painful, so I know I couldn't ask. He's good at what he's called "hugging from across the room," like with his eyes, voice, and body language, so I just let myself feel that. On the phone, it's felt like he's hugged me with just his voice a few times, too. So between that and the handshakes (I have held on longer than normal a few times, I admit), I'm OK.

But I get it...and I think you need to talk about it more with T. And if it's that painful, consider finding a T who is willing to do touch, though that sounds difficult where you live.

[Fuzzybear]