Phone call

I have been cycling lately between normal mood/low-grade/moderate/and severe depression. Lovely, I know. None of the phases last particularly long, but I just keep going back and forth between them. Sometimes I have more than one in a day. Pdoc says I have bipolar NOS-- rapid cycling... but c'mon... don't I need batteries or something to cycle this much? I'm not a huge fan of the bipolar diagnosis for many reasons. But anyway, yesterday I was in a bad, bad depressive episode. I was over an hour late for work because I just kept crying and my stomach was killing me. It took me 45 minutes just to get out of bed. I said out loud to myself, "Push. You need to %#@&#! push yourself no matter how bad it is." On the way to work I cried in the car. My anxiety was also very bad and I started getting so scared that I was going to just completely lose my mind and blow my internship and doctoral application. Finally I picked up my cell phone and called T. I left him a message asking if he could just call me back and tell me I'm not losing my mind. So he calls back less than an hour later, and I'm telling you... if I could revisit that conversation 7 million times, I would. I don't even remember half the things he said... I know that sounds funny... but what I remember is the feeling. How I was feeling while talking to him, the feelings that he was projecting over the phone. I do remember him telling me, "You are not your own patient. Just because you give therapy does not mean that you should have any more control over your feelings than anyone else." I like that he said that. I just remember feeling this incredible empathy that I didn't know one could actually feel over the phone. I wanted to melt into the phone and over to his office. Very intense. But as wonderful as the intensity is, it is equally as difficult. No, he can't envelop me, he can't hold me. Availablity without accessibility, in a way. Then he told me that I could call him back as many times as I needed throughout the day. He said I could leave messages, I could tell him to call me back, if I wanted. He said, I want to know how you are doing. I didn't call after that. It was hard enough for me to do it the 1st time... I need to draw my own boundaries. He said he knows how hard it is for me to call him, and that he was really glad that I did because he thinks it's really important for him to know how I am feeling in the moment.

I am seeing him in 3 hours. I can't decide if I want to look into his eyes, or not look at him at all. I feel strongly connected to him after that phone call, but I'm not sure if I like it. Strange, I know.

Good luck with apt today.
I never believed I was bp either however Lthium really helps with swings....I wish you the best

((Pinksoil))

Sorry you haven't been feeling well. I have had some similar intense phone calls. I know what you mean about not knowing if you want to look into his eyes right now. Sometimes it just feels too intense. Your T cares for you very much. I'm glad you have strong support right now. I love it, in fact. It can be so healing.

That's amazing how your T could project such empathy and support over the phone. Wow, what a talent.

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"You are not your own patient. Just because you give therapy does not mean that you should have any more control over your feelings than anyone else."

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That is very powerful, and you know he is speaking from firsthand experience, so that lends it even more weight.

I hope you are feeling better today.