The Couch - 109: CIX-Reintroduction

Don't tell me. I'm still a few seasons behind.

Yup. A right feckin' eejit is what he is I'm well rid of him.

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I'm exhausted and my anxiety about my session today is starting to overtake me. 4 hours to go. I wish it would hurry up and get here already so that it could just be over with.

Ooh, I like it! It's very 'minimalistic', just a few strokes of ink, but it's perfection. I really think that - not just saying it to be nice. I like stuff like this.

I was actually planning on getting a tattoo of barbed wire on my left leg after I'd beaten the illness there.. but that didn't work out as that leg had to be amputated. Not a lot of "beating the illness" there.
I hope this is/will be/will remain your "beaten the SI" tattoo, though.

From my Facebook feed...

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Lol no i just don't really care about shoes! Since i had the bone spur on my heel a couple years ago i got used to wearing tennies, and never go anywhere that I'd have to wear nicer shoes anyway. I am a simple girl when it comes to my feet lol would rather not wear shoes at all.

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JS - Working on it. Good reminder, I just wish I could internalize that instead of trying to make everyone's misery better for them

Art - I LOVE SHOES. Seriously it's a problem, in fact had to move the husband out of our walk in because of my shoes and bags... How do you only have 2 pair?! *mind boggled*

It'll be okay right? Seriously, freaking out. I've seen T 3+ times a week for the past 2 years and I start freaking out today!? Why?! This sucks. I'm scared. Anxious. Exhausted. Nervous. Someone tell me it'll be okay?

Oh and we have mandatory overtime this week due to a screwed up system update the did over the weekend, par for the course. I called h to let him know I'll be home late and he was lounging around watching the birds in the backyard no work yet today.

I don't know. Part of my therapy is spent figuring out how to deal w h. I wonder if i wouldn't even need it anymore if i left him. I would at first but i mean in general. A lot of my internal angst is because of his crap. I don't know honestly if its worth staying with him. Our son is going on 18 he's not a kid anymore. Maybe i should just move out and be done with him. I am so conflicted. Somebody tell me what to do ha. Part of me is plenty aware that even if i quit therapy right now, he'd find something else to endlessly badger me about. Gah.

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Yes, it'll be OK. You'll get through this. And you're not alone - we'll be with you in spirit.

I haven't ever gotten serious enough with anyone to discuss finances.

But, growing up (in a hardcore socialist third-world country), my parents (who held low-paying public sector jobs) each had mostly individual a/cs -- some that the other partner knew of and some that were secret (which I would randomly find out about).

Similarly, they also had secret schedules -- so, they'd disclose some parts of the schedule and the rest was totally secret (which I sometimes years later got told about).

None of it had to do with affairs or anything -- they did this to avoid having the other partner disapprove of common enough stuff that each of them wanted to do.

So, I now find it super weird and disconcerting to tell anyone -- partners, friends etc -- the mundane details of my day.

Okay, I guess I really need to be in therapy

Thanks, BF. I just texted her and asked if she was still there like an idiot. Now I wait for her non-response and have to walk into her office even more embarrased. Sometimes I wish I could shake myself and tell me to just get over it already, grow up, figure it out. I don't know what the hell is wrong with me the past two days.

Thank you for this. Perhaps this is my new goal dor therapy. To learn the how of it... I really wonder if anything i could do or not do could ever make my h happy short of becoming his mommy. Which i cannot nor would i want to do. He is a sad big giant baby who insists he is not sad and refuses to consider it. Thanks friends for letting me vent here.

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Longest 3 hours of my life. No work to do so I'm waiting on the clock and it's never going to get here and this anxious dread will never go away.

Go for a walk? Watch baseball? If you're at work, does your desk need to be reorganized?

Would watch baseball except boss is here. Nope. Wish it did though. :/ Maybe I'll rearrange it some other way, but there really isn't another way to rearrange it. Only one place for me to sit in this huge sideways "U" shape. Blerg. Also, the "B" key isn't working properly on my keyboard.

When I need to waste time but am too anxious to do anything productive, I do connect-the-dots puzzles. In my country they sell little books full of them. Lately I've also been doing wordfit puzzles - they also don't require a lot of thinking capacity. Both are sold in bookstores around here. Maybe something like that is an idea for next time?

Google 365 online wordsearch and do a nice theme one. The baby animals one maybe.

Good idea. Maybe I'll try to find some online. Thanks, BF.

Take the keyboard apart and clean/fix the B key - that could use up some time

Thanks Red. Doing wordsearches now.

Epic fail today at new pcp's office. Tried getting ambien for my whacked out sleep...nada.
Going off meds otherwise. Tired of poisoning my body for a few months relief only to start over again. T not totally on board but my body my choice. NP doesnt know yet.

Tried that. This keyboard won't come apart so I need to go buy some air.

Exactly what I was going to suggest!

My senior cat would get on my keyboard, I'd go to lift her off, she'd stick her claws under a key and it would come off as I lifted her. I got to be good at fixing keys.

Going to bed. Ellahmae, good luck.