[mira belle]

How does your T react?
Do u expect a reaction ?

I gave my T a big news last week. I accomplished one of the goals i was working on. It was meant to be a total surprise for T. When i gave him this big news (it was a huge step for me to meet this goal).
Well , no reaction from T. Absolutely none !!!

It was like i was saying i ate a sandwich for lunch today.

I felt hurt...that he didnt care at all. He couldnt fake a happy face even.
It was a let down
is that too much to expect...for T to be a lil happy for me...when i make a major life transition? Something i never thought i would be able to do. I succeded. Isnt my success his success somewhat?

He response was like okay. This week..it was how do u like the change.

[ChavInAHat]

That sucks that your T didn't show a little more enthusiasm for what sounds like a big thing for you - and whatever it is... Congrats for taking such a huge step and meeting your goal.



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[nicoleflynn]

I would tell him just what you said here!

[stopdog]

The first one I see tends to over-react to stuff - not under. I don't usually tell her the sort of stuff that will cause overreaction anymore. I prefer the sandwich eating response. But I do believe in telling them where they have failed and so I would tell the therapist what you wrote here

[awkwardlyyours]

Sorry, that sounds painful.

One quick question -- how did you give him the news? Show commensurate excitement, happiness etc? Or, were you more blase (although internally thrilled) about it?

Either way, I agree that you should call him out on it.

[mira belle]

Nah. Dont wanna tell him..what will that accomplish?
i guess it was kind of a test. Since i kept it hidden till the very end...to see if he ll have a natural or more genuine reaction...like oh wow...thats great ! A big step for you !
Now that i recall...he didnt even acknowledge it as that. That its anything significant. It was end of session (10 mins left). N his response was totally flat.

How would u interpret this response? Lack of actually. Is it normal. (I find it very odd..even if a stranger told me a good news on a bus...i ll b happy for them...just cuz they r so happy and it means so much to them! ).

Thanks chavinhat ...i m super proud of myself.

See, if my therapist had reacted so unenthused about what I considered a major step, I would have called him on it immediately.

I think sometimes that lack of reaction may come from the fact that the therapist saw it coming and doesn't find it all surprising when we get there -- it's a predictable step along the way for them. But for us, when we finally realize we've gotten there, it is a huge accomplishment and they better acknowledge it or else. I guess I say that because I can remember times I was all proud of something, and my therapist was all sort of "I told you you would get there." He is happy for me, but not at all surprised; he always had much more confidence in my ability and strength than I did.

I still called him on it, but I was often taken aback by his response that he wasn't at all surprised and had seen it coming.

[stopdog]

It will accomplish that you told him how it felt to you when he did not react. It will let him know it was important to you.

I think sometimes those guys try to act like stuff is normal and they already knew you could do it.

[mira belle]

I was smiling ...and happy...
i wanted to catch him off guard..like omg...i had no idea u were pursuing this...so happy for u.

[Pennster]

Do you think it might have been a little more about giving you space to have your own feelings? I feel like my therapist doesn't always react as vividly as, say, a friend might, because he's more neutral that that. It seems to me it's about not being intrusive and allowing me to have my own reactions to things, positive and negative.

[stopdog]

What would you accomplish by not telling him what you wanted from him?

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by mira belle

Nah. Dont wanna tell him..what will that accomplish?
i guess it was kind of a test. Since i kept it hidden till the very end...to see if he ll have a natural or more genuine reaction...like oh wow...thats great ! A big step for you !
Now that i recall...he didnt even acknowledge it as that. That its anything significant. It was end of session (10 mins left). N his response was totally flat.

How would u interpret this response? Lack of actually. Is it normal. (I find it very odd..even if a stranger told me a good news on a bus...i ll b happy for them...just cuz they r so happy and it means so much to them! ).

Thanks chavinhat ...i m super proud of myself.

No testing allowed!!! I hate when people test me. To me, its the same as lying. Its a form of lying, anyway. Its like a surprise party - its really for the benefit of the giver, not the receiver. Its not SHARING. It does not make the other person feel good. So why do you expect him to show happiness? Im sorry to be so negative, but i really really hate tests!

[stopdog]

Therapists are used to people testing them. I think they expect it.

[LonesomeTonight]

Originally Posted by stopdog

It will accomplish that you told him how it felt to you when he did not react. It will let him know it was important to you.

I think sometimes those guys try to act like stuff is normal and they already knew you could do it.

What SD said. You should tell him how it made you feel. I've found its better when I tell my T or marriage counselor if I'm upset with them. It's hard, but I think it's made my relationship stronger with each of them.

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by stopdog

Therapists are used to people testing them. I think they expect it.

What does that have to do with the price of tea at starbucks? Testing people is a distancing behavior. I go to therapy to learn how to improve my relationships, which to me (and a recent pc article) means closer

[stopdog]

Originally Posted by unaluna

What does that have to do with the price of tea at starbucks? Testing people is a distancing behavior. I go to therapy to learn how to improve my relationships, which to me (and a recent pc article) means closer

You said no testing - I was merely pointing out that in therapy it is, in my opinion, expected and not unusual. So - Yes testing. It might not lead to what one wants - but it is certainly something a therapist should be equipped to handle in a non-shaming or rejecting way.

But I do not go to therapy to learn how to improve relationships so there is that as at least one of the many explanations about why we have different opinions on this subject.

[atisketatasket]

People often seem to test their therapists. Is it a distancing thing, or is it a can-I-trust-you thing? Or both, or neither?

OP - I think you should tell him you were disappointed. Not doing so will also cause distance and fun things like simmering resentment.

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by stopdog

You said no testing - I was merely pointing out that in therapy it is, in my opinion, expected and not unusual. So - Yes testing. It might not lead to what one wants - but it is certainly something a therapist should be equipped to handle in a non-shaming or rejecting way.

But I do not go to therapy to learn how to improve relationships so there is that as at least one of the many explanations about why we have different opinions on this subject.

Yes - i meant it as a message to the world: no testing! Kinda like, no wire hangers!!

[atisketatasket]

Originally Posted by unaluna

Yes - i meant it as a message to the world: no testing! Kinda like, no wire hangers!!

Now I really want to test you...

[Freewilled]

For me, testing my therapist was not something I consciously did to annoy or distance or whatever. Nonetheless, I tested him a lot. It happened naturally. Maybe it not the healthiest behavior, but if I was healthy I probably wouldn't need therapy.

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by Freewilled

For me, testing my therapist was not something I consciously did to annoy or distance or whatever. Nonetheless, I tested him a lot. It happened naturally. Maybe it not the healthiest behavior, but if I was healthy I probably wouldn't need therapy.

OP admitted to conscious testing. Not that she ever will around me again! I always fail these tests, btw. Big time fail - so thats why im a little sensitive on the subject. Husbands, mothers, teachers - i didnt deserve it!

[Freewilled]

To the OP: my ex-T reacted to my big news in an almost negative way. I was really hurt by it and then more angered and annoyed. I was like what the heck, T!? I finally did something major and you act like I tied my shoe. Lol. But I didn't confront my T, I just acted slightly annoyed.

Looking back, in my situation, I think my T was not impressed because I was avoiding deeper work by focusing on this goal that I had achieved. I was avoiding the problem, albeit unconsciously, but still.....my T could see I was missing the real issue and it was hard for him to congratulate me when what I was doing was further complicating my life. But that was just me. Ymmv.

As far as testing goes, I always say that no one likes a pop quiz; and worse yet, no one likes to find out after the fact that their assignment counted as a test grade.

OP, I hope you'll talk to him about it. In the least bring it up again and brag on yourself for a bit.

I would be very diss appointed if my t reacted like that.
I wonder if you are able to tell him how disappointed you were?
I count on my t to be happy and to want the best for me and if they couldn't be happy for me I would wonder what was going on for the t!


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[ruh roh]

If you're bothered, do bring it up to him next time.

My therapist seems to match my presentation, and I'm just going to assume she means it when she's happy that I'm happy about something, since I am often not.

The one time she was not as happy was when I showed up and said I'd bought a house. She said she didn't know this was something I'd been thinking of, and I said I hadn't been thinking about it until a few days prior and bam, just went for it. So maybe she was not as happy as I was because she was thinking I was maybe hypomanic, but events panned out and over time she saw it for very good decision it was. Even so, I noticed that she had originally been sort of quiet about it. I was just too excited to care much.

As for testing: Yes, they expect it. Mine even suggested I test her, but she never explained what that would look like and why I should do it.