I've been dwelling on this for a few weeks, and I don't know how I feel about it. I've tried to be objective and I've done some research, but I still have mixed feelings and no real clarification.

A couple of years ago I lost my appetite, I lost 6.5 stones (91lbs) in a few months and since then I've worked really hard to continue to lose weight not just maintain it. I don't get pains from being hungry, nor do I get the more severe starvation pains I used to get.

This is literally the best explanation I can give, (The same one I gave to my T).
I lost my appetite, the weightloss was so dramatic and instant that I made the decision to use my unexpected weightloss as a starting point to continue to lose weight. I avoid certain food groups, I don't eat breakfast, lunch or dinner and usually make cups of tea with one sugar to ensure I don't faint. I have gone 9 days without food (could go longer happily), and only eat because my partner puts a lot of pressure on me if I don't eat. I get defensive when it comes to talking about food, yet I'm preoccupied with weight 99% of my day.
My triggers for detoxing are simple,
1- if my clothes feel tight, I detox.
2- if my sister tells me I've gained weight. you look thicker in the face, fuller. Chubby cheeks really suit you! My sister is always talking about my weight and it's uaully down to her that I spiral.

For me I want something of my own to control, I want to be able to have something all for me, and apparently I've picked food to do this with. I just don't see the point of putting gas in a car when the gas light isn't flashing. if I'm not feeling hungry, or I simply don't want to eat then I feel like I have the right to choose if I eat or not.

This is where my problem lays, I was diagnosed with anorexia, and BDD. I struggled with the idea of being anorexic for a long time because it didn't feel like it fit, the BDD I could see why my T thought that primarily.
To the point, my T now says she believes that my starvation is a form of self harm which I totally and completely disagree with. I don't know what I am, if I am anything at all, all I do know is I'm frustrated and at a loss. Please, if you can offer any words of advice or comfort it would mean a lot to me.

[unaluna]

Well - in america, they recommend you put gas in the car when it gets to the halfway mark. If you let it go past that, then condensation (water) is more likely to form in the tank and lines, and the car doesnt run as well. Plus filling the tank keeps the fuel lines from freezing when it is very cold, for a better chance of starting in bad weather. so - no, not a good metaphor, sorry

[atisketatasket]

Have you asked your therapist for the rationale behind her diagnoses? I have heard that eating disorders are classified as a form of self-harm, so I'm not sure the diagnoses are mutually exclusive.

Originally Posted by atisketatasket

Have you asked your therapist for the rationale behind her diagnoses? I have heard that eating disorders are classified as a form of self-harm, so I'm not sure the diagnoses are mutually exclusive.

She's not gone into why as much as just saying that she thinks it could be a form of self harm. I used to self harm, my reasons for it were completely different to how I feel now. I find it so difficult to talk to my T about food and my eating habits so we don't stay on the topic for long.

Originally Posted by unaluna

Well - in america, they recommend you put gas in the car when it gets to the halfway mark. If you let it go past that, then condensation (water) is more likely to form in the tank and lines, and the car doesnt run as well. Plus filling the tank keeps the fuel lines from freezing when it is very cold, for a better chance of starting in bad weather. so - no, not a good metaphor, sorry

I don't drive, nor do I know anything about cars. So maybe it was a poor choice. But simply, I don't see the point in eating if my body isn't asking for food.

[atisketatasket]

Originally Posted by Anglo

I don't drive, nor do I know anything about cars. So maybe it was a poor choice. But simply, I don't see the point in eating if my body isn't asking for food.

Well...in my case, I lost over a quarter of my body weight (about 40 lbs.) last year from some as-yet undiagnosed medical condition. Just couldn't eat more than a few bites without feeling too full to eat anymore.

But the body needs food, whether or not it wants to admit it. I've developed a technique of eating a lot of soup or smoothies, since I can eat more at once (and sometimes even a milkshake to get more calories), and also of eating tiny four-bite meals every hour or so to get enough nutrition. So at least I'm not losing weight at the rate I was.

In my case, I exercise a lot and need the energy from food to do that even if my body wants to reject the food. It sounds like you may have initially lost your appetite because of something else, but you've now trained your body not to want food. But it does need it.

Originally Posted by atisketatasket

Well...in my case, I lost over a quarter of my body weight (about 40 lbs.) last year from some as-yet undiagnosed medical condition. Just couldn't eat more than a few bites without feeling too full to eat anymore.

But the body needs food, whether or not it wants to admit it. I've developed a technique of eating a lot of soup or smoothies, since I can eat more at once (and sometimes even a milkshake to get more calories), and also of eating tiny four-bite meals every hour or so to get enough nutrition. So at least I'm not losing weight at the rate I was.

In my case, I exercise a lot and need the energy from food to do that even if my body wants to reject the food. It sounds like you may have initially lost your appetite because of something else, but you've now trained your body not to want food. But it does need it.

I understand the need, I don't want to sound stubborn in my replies, but I am really stubborn when it comes to food. I think the only way I can put it is, I don't really care about food, or cooking or sitting down for a meal. My preoccupation about my weight has become a fear that I'll become as big as I was before and because I couldn't see how big I truly was looking in the mirror so now I'm fearful ill gain weight if I eat. It's irrational, and stubborn, and I'm aware of my body's needs, I just don't care enough to change. I think it makes it worse because I'm aware of what I'm doing, I just don't have the ability to care about the damage I may or may not be doing to myself.

[unaluna]

I know we all hate the word "moist" (sorry everybody!) but yeah eating has to do with keeping your intestines moist. Otherwise they will tend to collapse and stick together and i think thats not good. Just because you cant see it or didnt know it or mean it? doesnt mean its not self-harm. Just to give you a different way of looking at things?

Originally Posted by unaluna

I know we all hate the word "moist" (sorry everybody!) but yeah eating has to do with keeping your intestines moist. Otherwise they will tend to collapse and stick together and i think thats not good. Just because you cant see it or didnt know it or mean it? doesnt mean its not self-harm. Just to give you a different way of looking at things?

Thank you, I didn't know and don't know the physical damage I can cause myself. I'm going to look into it further. My problem is like I mentioned before, I need to start caring more. Facts don't seem to have a big impact on my decision making.

[luvnola]

I was anorexic and bulimic (mostly anorexia) for 20+ years and I also self harmed. I would argue that eating disorders aren't the same as self harm, but in reality they are in that they harm the body and mind. I didn't think so bc self harm was more obvious and easily defined as self harm. My eating disorder was about control, not harm, but it did cause harm. Also, for me, the thinking was similar. I self harmed to feel better, release stress or built up fear, to ground myself. Engaging in the eating disorder also released stress, made me feel better.

I don't really think your t is changing your diagnosis (because everything you describe would indicate anorexia), but adding to it. Maybe trying to get you to see the harm you are doing to your body?? It really does mess your body up...from fertility to digestive issues, organ damage, and worse.

sorry if muddled. tired and multi tasking are not a good combo for me

Originally Posted by luvnola

I was anorexic and bulimic (mostly anorexia) for 20+ years and I also self harmed. I would argue that eating disorders aren't the same as self harm, but in reality they are in that they harm the body and mind. I didn't think so bc self harm was more obvious and easily defined as self harm. My eating disorder was about control, not harm, but it did cause harm. Also, for me, the thinking was similar. I self harmed to feel better, release stress or built up fear, to ground myself. Engaging in the eating disorder also released stress, made me feel better.

I don't really think your t is changing your diagnosis (because everything you describe would indicate anorexia), but adding to it. Maybe trying to get you to see the harm you are doing to your body?? It really does mess your body up...from fertility to digestive issues, organ damage, and worse.

sorry if muddled. tired and multi tasking are not a good combo for me

I understood you completely. Maybe it's me that's zoned out when my T's talking and in the panic I've gotten myself confused. I need to ask her, I just hate talking about it.

Originally Posted by Anglo

I've been dwelling on this for a few weeks, and I don't know how I feel about it. I've tried to be objective and I've done some research, but I still have mixed feelings and no real clarification.

A couple of years ago I lost my appetite, I lost 6.5 stones (91lbs) in a few months and since then I've worked really hard to continue to lose weight not just maintain it. I don't get pains from being hungry, nor do I get the more severe starvation pains I used to get.

This is literally the best explanation I can give, (The same one I gave to my T).
I lost my appetite, the weightloss was so dramatic and instant that I made the decision to use my unexpected weightloss as a starting point to continue to lose weight. I avoid certain food groups, I don't eat breakfast, lunch or dinner and usually make cups of tea with one sugar to ensure I don't faint. I have gone 9 days without food (could go longer happily), and only eat because my partner puts a lot of pressure on me if I don't eat. I get defensive when it comes to talking about food, yet I'm preoccupied with weight 99% of my day.
My triggers for detoxing are simple,
1- if my clothes feel tight, I detox.
2- if my sister tells me I've gained weight. you look thicker in the face, fuller. Chubby cheeks really suit you! My sister is always talking about my weight and it's uaully down to her that I spiral.

For me I want something of my own to control, I want to be able to have something all for me, and apparently I've picked food to do this with. I just don't see the point of putting gas in a car when the gas light isn't flashing. if I'm not feeling hungry, or I simply don't want to eat then I feel like I have the right to choose if I eat or not.

This is where my problem lays, I was diagnosed with anorexia, and BDD. I struggled with the idea of being anorexic for a long time because it didn't feel like it fit, the BDD I could see why my T thought that primarily.
To the point, my T now says she believes that my starvation is a form of self harm which I totally and completely disagree with. I don't know what I am, if I am anything at all, all I do know is I'm frustrated and at a loss. Please, if you can offer any words of advice or comfort it would mean a lot to me.

You say you're seeing a T under the NHS. Well they're not the greatest T's. 2nd. Therapy is about exploring, not just giving out dxs.
Ask why she thinks that and why you don't.
There's loads to be said.