Warning: possible triggers.

There are things I've wanted to say for 10 years, questions I'll never have answers to but need to be relieved from my head, things that weigh me down and suffocate me. This doesn't need a response, I just need to get it out.

This is a letter to the ghosts that haunt me.

To Jack.
I was barely walking when you made the decision to do what you did. I had no words for what you did, even if I wanted to tell someone, it was impossible. I was silenced because of my age, and because of you.
I was terrified, experiencing incredible pain in a very adult situation at 4 years old. You took away my choice and childhood. You ignored my cries for help, my tears and my pain and you continued your abuse for 9 years. You manipulated me, bribed me, gave me tokens to keep me quiet. I was too young to understand your agenda, that those tokens you'd stolen from someone else were your blackmailing tools.
I've asked myself why?! so many times knowing I can never ask you. Never once could I think of any reason or explanation as to why you'd abuse your little cousin. I've asked myself why didn't I tell anyone to make it stop? But I did. I told someone and was ignored. You'll never give me the answers I deserve. You shattered my perception of normality, you made abuse and pain normal. You may hinder my adult life, but you don't dictate it anymore. And never once did I force my normality on anyone else. I have ensured my entire life that I bring no harm or hurt anyone in any way so no one ever feels the emotional or physical pain your brought upon me. I may never get the justice I deserve, you still haunt me with flashbacks and nightmares, but you can't hurt me anymore. My healing has already started, and karma will take care of you in time. My memory won't let go of you so easily, but today I'm letting you go.

To Terry.
You married my mother, you made her happy, you took on a child that wasn't yours. And you never let me forget it. You tortured me, you called them games that only required two players. You set out the rules and they were always in your favour. I was your favourite toy, played with every day, came close to breaking and then you fixed me. You played God with my life, gave me CPR when you came close to losing your doll, but you never let me die. You held me on the brink of death, and even when I gave up, you refused to let me cross over. You can't play with one player.
You lied to everyone who would listen, you kept me imprisoned in the web of lies you created, forcing me to join in with your lies to protect the family business. You were right, I was a compulsive liar, because it's what you made me, and punished me for. You lied to CPS and shut down my avenues of escape, you made me feel trapped, isolated and alone. You kept me shrouded in secrecy to protect you because you were happy to torture me, but couldn't take responsibility for yourself. You are the weak one, I faced you everyday without a choice, I took on all the responsibility, and I'm still nothing like you.
You took my teenage years, you abused me emotionally, physically, and sexually. You tried to destroy me, but it didn't work. You made me numb, and I dealt with your punishments with every piece of strength I had. And I survived. And I will continue to survive because it's who I am. Without knowing it, I found ways to survive you and your predecessor, none of you broke me the way you think you did because I'm still here. I have core strength even I didn't know I had, and I've realised I am a person, not an object to be abused and forgotten. You haunt me, and you have my mother, but you lost your rag doll. I'm free.

To Jenny
You are my mother, you gave me life and filled my heart with love. You showed me what an independent woman is, and you gave me a role model. Then you systematically destroyed all the good you did when I told you about Jack. You broke my heart, not because you didn't believe me, but because you did and chose to do nothing to stop it. I should have known then that I was in danger, that you would never protect me from the cruelties of the world. But when you met Terry, I forgot about the heart breaking blow you'd dealt me and I was happy you were happy.
As Terry's abuse started you hid yourself in his shadow. Your loyalty was aways and only to him. You watched him force feed me to the point of sickness, and forced to consume that too. You watched him beat me and torture me, and you did nothing.
You are the person that occupies the majority of my mind. You broke my heart and it feels impossible to let go. I still love you and for the longest time I needed you, I'm torn between my love and heartache for you. I will never understand how much I love you, and how easy it was for you to disown me for him. I'll never stop loving you, but the heartbreak is raw and I can't go forward with open wounds. I need to let go of you to heal my wounds, I need to disown you and in time I will.

You are the ghosts that haunt me, and it's time to cleanse myself of you. You can't have a hold on me forever and today is the day I consciously begin to let go you all.
I'm done.

[Out There]

[ScarletPimpernel]

You have a lot of strength and heart

are you planning to show any body this letter?

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Originally Posted by monalisasmile

are you planning to show any body this letter?

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I wrote it for me, to get it out of my head because in the moment I felt strong enough to write it. Now I'm torn as to how I feel, half of me regrets posting it, the other half of me is glad to have it out of my head and heart. I have no plans to do anything with this at the moment.

I was just wondering if you wrote it for yourself or to show your mother. I hope it helped to write it all out and to tell those ghosts about all of the pain suffering they caused you!
You were very strong to get through all of that and survive, what about the part that regrets posting? What does that part need? I am guessing that's the vulnerable part of you that needs the strong part to take care of you. I really hope you look after yourself and to so with this what you need to for you

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[wheeler]

Such strength, and so sorry you had to endure so much, and in many ways it still is a fight.

Originally Posted by monalisasmile

I was just wondering if you wrote it for yourself or to show your mother. I hope it helped to write it all out and to tell those ghosts about all of the pain suffering they caused you!
You were very strong to get through all of that and survive, what about the part that regrets posting? What does that part need? I am guessing that's the vulnerable part of you that needs the strong part to take care of you. I really hope you look after yourself and to so with this what you need to for you

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Thank you

I feel a great sense of sadness for you, but an overwhelming amount of pride also. Keep going Butterfly.

[Big Mama]

Good for you on finding the stregnth to write that. You are brave and powerful for having written that and put it here for us to see. I hope great healing comes from that. I personally, and I may have said ti to you before, I find great relief from putting my story here. Every time someone read my story that much less of it lives inside of me. A little piece of my personal hell is lessened by how ever many people have read my post. The stregnth it takes to say it (or write it) jsut once can be heard and read time and time again. Just once diminishes your pain by so much. Keep writing and hang in there. We are all right here to support you.