Letter to T1 (long!)

I agree it could be beneficial for him....if he's willing to hear it.
You're right that the important question is whether it benefits me.

Glad to hear you will have your current therapist as a sounding board and offering the support you need. Good luck on Wednesday!

I agree with a number of people who have expressed their opinions re: your respectful tone and general positive attitude toward T1. The only thing that stood out for me is that you didn't tell him whether or not you would respond to any reply he might send to you. In other words, is there some ambivalence on your part about continuing communication with this T? This is your choice, of course, and certainly not for me to offer opinions about. It is, however, a point that you might need to clarify in your own mind before sending the letter, should you do so...? I wish you well, whatever your decision. It is a difficult situation, but one you have managed beautifully.

Thank you. I think you have raised a really good point. In my mind I would say that whatever response I get from him would be the final word and I wouldn't respond to anything, but I suppose if I really disagreed with something he said I could feel drawn into the temptation to become engaged in a dialogue and that really could become a battle in itself.
I was planning, if I decide to send the letter, to send it by post and perhaps the lack of immediacy in that form of communication would lessen the potential for an unhealthy dialogue to emerge, but I don't deny that I could be drawn into it.
That's really something I should give some consideration to, thanks.

The possibility of being drawn into a battle trying to disengage by engaging is a difficult one. When I was having difficulties with an ex T I sort of got into this. What was helpful for me to look at was actually from the film " War Games " where a computer runs endless war games scenarios i.e responses to responses to responses to responses. The guy who invented it couldn't teach it futility - but it does learn in the end by playing noughts and crosses against itself. I ended my situation when I got a response that wasn't ideal but would have to do. I would have just got stuck in responses , responses. A little obtuse but I hope that helps!

Thank you Out There. That is a useful analogy, and I think that reengaging with T1 would ultimately turn out to be a futile exercise, and it would be a shame to turn this letter, which has felt so positive, into something ultimately futile.

I'd like to update the thread because I had therapy today and it ended up being one of the most insightful sessions I've ever had, and I made an enormous discovery about myself and the way I relate in emotional relationships.
We separated the purpose of writing it (which has been therapeutic) from the purpose of sending it. I mentioned what I had written here about perpetuating the pattern of rupture/repair that was very much the dysfunction of our relationship. It led to a wider conversation about how exhilarating I find "making up" after an argument, even historically. I was in an abusive relationship before I met H and I actually enjoyed when my ex would come crying to me apologising for hitting me and saying how he loved me. It felt like an emotional high, better than 'steady love'. I felt the same after a massive rupture with T1 where he read me a poem I had written him with tears in his eyes. Emotional high, and something I found addictive. I realised today that this stems from my father who swung from being very affectionate to very critical. The affectionate moments were powerful because they could be taken away.
My relationships with my H and my T are very steady and secure, and I wonder if I've had so much trouble letting go of T1 because his inconsistent boundaries triggered that way of relating for me, and I am unconsciously still attracted to that kind of relationship. Letting go of him is letting go of the only kind of love I knew as a child.
For this reason I know I shouldn't send the letter. It is time for me to let go of unhealthy ways of relating and work out what makes me susceptible to being drawn into dramatic relationships.
It's been a fascinating and huge session for me.

I too, had another therapist, a very good one, that I told I wanted to get in touch with my ex therapist and blast her for a misdeed. The new therapist agreed that the ex made a big mistake. I processed it many times in an unladylike fashion, and my therapist handled it well. When I got through the processing I asked my therapist what she thought of my sending the letter I had written. She never gave opinions unless asked directly. She felt that I was not at a point atm in my life that I could handle a response, no response, etc. Basically, what other posters have mentioned above.

I finished therapy 2 1/2 years ago, and I found out I don't have a need or a desire to revisit that part of my life. I am able to remember and use both consciously and unconsciously what I got in that first therapy to move my life forward. I'm glad I never got in touch, because it would have been from a powerless position. If ever again I have the desire to confront my ex, it will be in an equal emotional playing field, and a place of confidence. The effect will not throw me and the recovery time is going to be in perspective and super quick.

When I first read about your upset and your response, I was concerned that you did not ask for him to not contact you or unless you contact first. What came to mind for me, is that you still wanted to dance with fire. No offense intended.

Wishing you well.

Thanks for sharing your experience. While I didn't specifically say "don't contact me unless I contact you" I understood that arrangement to be the norm at the end of therapy and that was reinforced by him saying "let me know how the learning goes (if you want to of course)".
When I left him I probably would have liked further contact, at the time I didn't know half of what I know now about my feelings towards him.
To be honest I am no longer angry about him contacting me, and the revelations in today's therapy session seem like something very useful to me in working out and moving forward from T1.

I am glad you are processing it. I understand a therapist should not contact first. What I was referring to was after he contacted you, you responded, but you did not say in your thread that you spelled out what your desire was, don't contact me or wait till I contact you.

What ever you decide about the letter I wish you the best.

Yeah, I wasn't honest with him about how I felt at all. I guess that made me uneasy, and feel like I hadn't advocated for myself, and in part prompted the letter. I don't know if he will ever contact again, but if I did, I think I'd respond with a firm but polite boundary.

Mine is worse-case scenario, mind you. But in filing a grievance years later I saw that both my most irresponsible therapist and the one who referred me had learned nothing. They remained just as immobile, just as theory-blinded, just as condescending as when the offenses happened. In fact, they treated my complaining like trivial sport, evidence of the pervasiveness as my "transference." They were blameless. I was dismissed like I was the sick patient, they were the infallible experts. It was a game I couldn't win. It's like a dysfunctional family.

When I meet someone this defensive and unaccountable in other parts of my life, I try to disengage when practical and possible.

All the best deciding what's right for you. I hope this revisit has its good side---in offering new clarity.

Sorry to hear your former Ts were so arrogant and uncaring missbella. I think T1 could respond that way if he were ever to read the letter.
I think what today's session has helped me realise is that for me things are working on a deeper level than I realised and it's not even about the content of the letter, or his response, it's about the manner in which I wanted to continue to engage with him, and the relationship patterns of my life. I think you are right that this episode could turn out to be important for providing me with clarity and insight, and that is a real silver lining.

Everything you say sounds familiar. I had to shadow-box with the absent therapist for a long time. Now I talk back via my blog, which proved a constructive outlet for me. I think "needing to be heard" might be a universal human (or even animal) trait, witness all the shouting in the world. Therapists hung a shingle promising to listen and understand. It's confusing when they neglect their responsibility.

This thought came to me last night. How will you/can you prevent this again, if you don't let the therapist know not to contact first or not at all? Your last contact to him left that opened, and he does not know this therapy protocol or chooses not to follow it in your case. If it were me, I would send a one line email or post to "please let me be the only one to initiate contact between us."

The long and short of it is that I don't want any more communication with him. Maybe I should have told him that when he contacted me last month, but I didn't. I was shocked and confused and my thoughts weren't together.
If I were to contact him now I feel I would be communicating that I am still very much affected by him, and for the reasons I've already said, I don't think that's a good idea right now. If he contacts me again, I will set the boundary, but I'm not going to instigate contact.