[Gracey]

Uhhhhhhhh. . .

I have T this afternoon at 5pm. I am bouncing off the walls already at 7:30, freaking a bit about this afternoon. We talked yesterday after I got home from work (and after I'd called and tried to reschedule for next week sometime) and he suggested I bring something that brings me comfort. Uh, what? What brings me comfort? I have no idea what brings me comfort, you know? He said to wear something comfortable, and I told him it doesn't matter WHAT I'm wearing, b/c I'm going to feel naked. He suggested THAT would be quite the scene.

I know where we are going today. We have been dancing around it for a few weeks now. . .he even told me he wants to "further explore" this area and the subjective lowered resistance of "the couch" should provide us a good opportunity for that. Greeeeeeeaaaaaaaat. Lovely. Wonder-fricking-ful. I'm . . .well, i don't know if it's fear or what it is. . .but going into this place is worse than needing to throw up, going through labor, and having broken bones. Ugh. It's NOT something I want to do. He seems to be convinced that I need to "say the words" and I suppose to a degree he's right. He's been right so far anyway. . . the memory seems to loose a little power once I speak it aloud. . .it's like, "oh, that's ALL there is to that." I don't know.

Why do I feel so broken an busted?

[gostryter]

oh Gracey!!!!!! (((((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))))))))))

i'm going through a similar thing today....my appointment is a 2pm - first appt with a T in over 10 years!!!!! i'm SCARED to death!!!!! i just called in to work to say im not coming in....too busy contemplating the fact that i'm crawling outta my skin!!!!

i wish i could bring something to comfort me!!!!! but that might not go over well....can ya picture it....grown woman walking in the office with her teddy bear!!!!!!!!

i wanna hide!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

will you be posting anymore today?? i hope so!! maybe we can get through today together!!!!

[Gracey]

Well, I decided what I'm going to bring. Something small enough to fit in my jeans pocket. The tiny pocket knife that was my grandfathers that I got when I finished basic training. It reminds me I'm a soldier. . .a fighter. . .and tough. It also reminds me of my beloved grandfather, and good memories from childhood. Too small to do any real damage I suppose. . .but I won't be telling T I have it. He gets bent out of shape about stuff like that. . .I'm a former SI'er.

[gostryter]

awe - that's a nice reminder of your grandfather! and i like the symbolism you've attached to it about being a fighter!!

hope you manage OK in your session today!!!!

& thanks for your supporting me today too!!!

i keep saying the word RELAX and FindPeace told me to BREATHE...

[Gracey]

I thought of something else. What would bring you comfort? Is it an object, like a teddy? Here's an idea. . .draw a picture of it, or if you have a digital camera, take one and print it off. . .or. . . snap one with your camera phone, save it to your wallpaper, and keep your phone in your lap. Lots of folks fidgit with their phones, keys, etc. . . it if brings you comfort, that's a way you can take it with you.

[Gracey]

T called about twenty minutes ago. We had a nice conversation. I said, "Are you worried I'm not going to show? He laughed and replied, "Well, in that case I DO know where you live." Thing is.. .he'd follow up on it. I'm so screwed. I told him I am really struggling right now, especially having to be around all the kids. The teens especially wake up something in me. I jumped on a boy earlier today, and though he needed straightening out, it was a very youthful feeling I had driving me, you know? Arrrrgggg This makes me crazy, I swear to God. I told him, "I don't think I can do the couch." Him, "What if I sit on the couch too." Oh yeah. . .that'll help tons. Him, "I think you can do this. You've done it before. Would you rather wait WEEKS to deal with the couch, spending all that time worrying about it?" He really has a way with words, you know? I hung up on him. Jack@ss. He called back, laughed, and reminded me I've called him worse. Some people.

I really don't want to talk. I think the thing is. . .and he pointed this out. . .that I am on the verge of deeply trusting and in the past, that action has brought about GREAT grief and pain. I don't know how to handle it if it isn't painful or hurtful. He thinks I'm more afraid of his reaction than the actual talking.

[gostryter]

((((((((((((Gracey))))))))))))

LOL i can't believe you called him a jack@ss and hung up on him!!!!

note so self....never let 'em know where i live!!!

i'm sorry this one is going to so tough for you. i wish i could be there for....i'd keep T from putting you on the dreaded couch!!!

i like your idea of drawing a picture of my teddy (i know - but it's a long story why he is such a comfort to me - he saved my sanity once!!). i'll take that with me....i might even put my teddy in the car so i know he's there waiting for me to finish!!!!

[gostryter]

how ya doin Gracey?

don't know about you, but i've been better!

i drew my little bear!!!! if nothing else it distracted me for five minutes!! i'm glad i'll have it with me though!

good luck later ((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))

[Gracey]

Well, we just got back from taking the kids to lunch, and I'm realizing I've got three hours and twenty minutes. :: Lord. . .what am I going to do?

How about you ? how's it going?

[Gracey]

Ok, this is what? The second? third? phone call from him today. I think he's really worried I won't show up. I told him I'd be there. I am leaving here shortly. . .have to take my kids home first. Our sessions tend to run well over the allotted hour, and I can't imagine them sitting in the waiting room the entire time.

I'm so stressed out. A part of me is sort of looking forward to it, like when you have to go to the dentist for a cleaning. You know it isn't plesant, but afterward, it was worth it. I know ultimately, it's all worth it. It just sucks right now.

[sunrise]

Gracey, if you're not ready for the couch, just tell your T that. I don't think people should be over-encouraged to do forms of therapy they are not ready for. Just take your time with this. Good luck.

[purplemoon]

Gracey,

Just wanted to let you know I am thinking about you. Hope the session goes well.

[gostryter]

(((((((((((((Gracey)))))))))))))))

think'n about you

[Gracey]

I survived. Too tired to talk tonight though. Thank you.