[1stepatatime]

A question.. What would your feelings be if you candidly explained in email how close to tears you were at the last session while trying to participate in an excersise where you had to physically reach out towards your therapist, how difficult it was despite how much you wanted to be able to reach out and yet you just couldn't ... And the response you receive is "hang in there". That's it.
Maybe I expect too much , maybe I should expect more than that.. Just wondering how others might feel...

[atisketatasket]

Seems more like a response to "I'm having a really bad week," not to what you describe. If I were the therapist, I would have said something more along the lines of specific encouragement for your scenario - "we'll keep working on it and you will succeed" etc.

[AncientMelody]

My emotional feelings would be hurt that there wasn't a more thought out response. My thoughts on the matter would differ from that....acknowledging that this is how a lot of therapists handle email. a brief response and not much more.

[Out There]

Written words don't have the verbal tone to interpret , I might have preferred something like " I understand your feelings ".

[1stepatatime]

Originally Posted by atisketatasket

Seems more like a response to "I'm having a really bad week," not to what you describe. If I were the therapist, I would have said something more along the lines of specific encouragement for your scenario.

Right... That's where I'm struggling. The response I got seemed rather uncaring, or at least that is how it felt. Sometimes I question myself, am I expecting too much? Then I feel confirmed in my feelings, like, " hey! I deserve a better response than that!" I'm coming to the realization that I am not as important as I want to be in my therapists life, and as painful as it may be.. It's good for me to have that awareness. But at the same time, I want to matter.. I want to feel like my therapist does care for me on some level.. and most importantly , to feel it consistently.. Consistency is key .

[1stepatatime]

Originally Posted by AncientMelody

My emotional feelings would be hurt that there wasn't a more thought out response. My thoughts on the matter would differ from that....acknowledging that this is how a lot of therapists handle email. a brief response and not much more.

Yes , my therapist is not big on writing a lengthy response to my email .. I get it . She used to though.. She would write detailed emails in response to mine. She switched that up a while back, a new boundary I suppose. The quantity is not relevant.. But the quality is.. Maybe even saying something as simple as " I know" would be better.

[MusicLover82]

My therapist is not available via email, and I'm glad those boundaries are there for the same reason you express. It's hard to have good interaction over email and get the reassurance you want. I once had a psychiatrist who let me email her, and she was totally inappropriate and downright mean. I'm so glad I fired her.

[Waterbear]

I don't think it would make me feel particularly good but then I can see how, accompanied by physical signs which obviously you don't get over email, it could be considered as quite a caring statement.

Maybe it would be worth discussing though I appreciate that it is much easier said than done. I know I couldn't!

The fact that she read and replied does show that she is there for you though, try and think of some positives.

[Bipolar Warrior]

My uni therapist used to write thorough responses to my emails as well. She said she wanted to do that because I'm "precious" to her. Then we went through a rough period, which started when I basically I tried to put on a brave face even though I knew I was spiralling into depression again, and as a result she thought it would be okay to push me a bit on my coursework. I didn't respond well to it, but didn't show her that in the session and was determined to just get through it without causing a fuss, but the next day (Saturday) I cracked and wrote her a mad rant, which led to an exchange of emails that eventually ended with me saying that I was going to quit because I obviously couldn't handle it anymore. I was really upset with myself, and felt terrible, so I sent a follow-up email saying it wasn't her fault, that she had tried but that I just couldn't be helped. That was Monday evening. Then on Tuesday afternoon she tried to call me, but I screened four calls because I was determined to quit. A little while later, just after I had spoken to an advisor at the student support centre, I received an email from her that made me sob on the sidewalk as I was waiting for the bus. She had written a really long reply about how worried she was and that she was sorry she hadn't picked up on how much I was struggling in the session. She was really hoping that I would continue to see her. It was such a sweet email, I could feel how much she cared when I was reading it.

Then the "I love you" incident happened, and I freaked out again. I tried to quit via email twice over the Christmas break because I was so depressed and really scared. I couldn't handle the fact that she'd said those words to me. Again, she responded with such warmth and compassion, and really loving words, that I couldn't follow through because of how much I love her. I felt absolutely awful about myself.

After all of that, however, she decided that she wasn't going to write much in response to my emails anymore, just a couple of sentences, and nothing really in-depth, because she was worried she'd cause a misunderstanding again. She seemed to think that my breakdown was a result of those emails, even though I repeatedly said that I was going to break down anyway, email exchange or not.

The whole thing that followed was a bit frustrating for me, because at first she said she didn't feel like she was expressing herself clearly in her emails (she claims not to be dyslexic but she really is; she writes emails like my dyslexic best friend, lol), THEN that changed to "I crossed a boundary and I never should have done that" which really upset me because that made it sound like the "I don't want to cause misunderstandings" thing was just a way to cover up the fact that she just couldn't be arsed to respond properly to my emails anymore. Finally, it emerged that when I leave after a session she always feels confident that I am going to return next week, but after an email exchange she feels less certain of that. It was hard for her to feel that way, and I guess I can accept that, even if it took some time to get used to the short replies. However, that also indicates that it was MY fault she didn't want to write long emails anymore, and that still upsets me a little. I actually loved those emails.

Anyway, what I am wondering is if you are aware of what happened to cause the boundary change in your case? Was it ever explained to you? If not, I get why you would feel that her current responses are dismissive, maybe even because it then seems like she's just taken something away from you and you're left to figure out why? Not sure if that's the case, but "hang in there" as a response to what you sent her would definitely feel dismissive to me if I were in your shoes, and it would be something I'd want to talk to her about in the next session. If you're still unsure of the reasons why the boundaries changed, I would probably start with that.

I'm sorry you feel like your therapist seems inconsistent and uncaring. I don't like the sound of her boundaries changing just out of nowhere with no explanation to go with it. I hope you can talk to her about it and figure things out. Like Waterbear, though, I think she does care, and wouldn't want you to feel otherwise, which is why you should tell her about how her response made you feel.

[1stepatatime]

Originally Posted by Bipolar Warrior

My uni therapist used to write thorough responses to my emails as well. She said she wanted to do that because I'm "precious" to her. Then we went through a rough period, which started when I basically I tried to put on a brave face even though I knew I was spiralling into depression again, and as a result she thought it would be okay to push me a bit on my coursework. I didn't respond well to it, but didn't show her that in the session and was determined to just get through it without causing a fuss, but the next day (Saturday) I cracked and wrote her a mad rant, which led to an exchange of emails that eventually ended with me saying that I was going to quit because I obviously couldn't handle it anymore. I was really upset with myself, and felt terrible, so I sent a follow-up email saying it wasn't her fault, that she had tried but that I just couldn't be helped. That was Monday evening. Then on Tuesday afternoon she tried to call me, but I screened four calls because I was determined to quit. A little while later, just after I had spoken to an advisor at the student support centre, I received an email from her that made me sob on the sidewalk as I was waiting for the bus. She had written a really long reply about how worried she was and that she was sorry she hadn't picked up on how much I was struggling in the session. She was really hoping that I would continue to see her. It was such a sweet email, I could feel how much she cared when I was reading it.

Then the "I love you" incident happened, and I freaked out again. I tried to quit via email twice over the Christmas break because I was so depressed and really scared. I couldn't handle the fact that she'd said those words to me. Again, she responded with such warmth and compassion, and really loving words, that I couldn't follow through because of how much I love her. I felt absolutely awful about myself.

After all of that, however, she decided that she wasn't going to write much in response to my emails anymore, just a couple of sentences, and nothing really in-depth, because she was worried she'd cause a misunderstanding again. She seemed to think that my breakdown was a result of those emails, even though I repeatedly said that I was going to break down anyway, email exchange or not.

The whole thing that followed was a bit frustrating for me, because at first she said she didn't feel like she was expressing herself clearly in her emails (she claims not to be dyslexic but she really is; she writes emails like my dyslexic best friend, lol), THEN that changed to "I crossed a boundary and I never should have done that" which really upset me because that made it sound like the "I don't want to cause misunderstandings" thing was just a way to cover up the fact that she just couldn't be arsed to respond properly to my emails anymore. Finally, it emerged that when I leave after a session she always feels confident that I am going to return next week, but after an email exchange she feels less certain of that. It was hard for her to feel that way, and I guess I can accept that, even if it took some time to get used to the short replies. However, that also indicates that it was MY fault she didn't want to write long emails anymore, and that still upsets me a little. I actually loved those emails.

Anyway, what I am wondering is if you are aware of what happened to cause the boundary change in your case? Was it ever explained to you? If not, I get why you would feel that her current responses are dismissive, maybe even because it then seems like she's just taken something away from you and you're left to figure out why? Not sure if that's the case, but "hang in there" as a response to what you sent her would definitely feel dismissive to me if I were in your shoes, and it would be something I'd want to talk to her about in the next session. If you're still unsure of the reasons why the boundaries changed, I would probably start with that.

I'm sorry you feel like your therapist seems inconsistent and uncaring. I don't like the sound of her boundaries changing just out of nowhere with no explanation to go with it. I hope you can talk to her about it and figure things out. Like Waterbear, though, I think she does care, and wouldn't want you to feel otherwise, which is why you should tell her about how her response made you feel.

Hi there, thank so much for your response... I can only imagine how difficult your experience was with the emailing changing so drastically!
My therapist never gave me a solid reason why she switched up the boundaries with emailing.. I had to ask her why she only wrote very brief responses . Her response has been that she can not do therapy via email which I certainly would never expect or want! As I responded to someone else earlier , it's not that I expect a 4 paragraph email.. It's the choice of words she sometimes uses.. It feels rather uncaring at times. Having said that I do believe that she cares for me to some degree. What's more evident to me now is she doesn't care for me in the way I wish she did , I guess I had this fantasy that I would be very special to her.. I know I'm not . That is not a criticism towards her, but that reality still is painful. There are inconsistencies that I will not own , for example how she said to me that she finally realized that I was telling her that I need more from her by emailing her, that she didn't see it before but that she gets it now,that she was going to listen .. That session was SUCH a relief , I felt validated and understood, I was like finally!!she gets me !! At the end of that session she asked if she could hug me, I was open to that.. For the first time in over three years of working with her she gave me a warm and genuine hug, it felt right. Having said that I would never expect or want her to hug me all the time.. It was appropriate for that session. Make no mistake, as relieved as I felt it was extremely difficult for me to hear her words, to receive her warmth and care .. It was almost too much. Then not more than a few weeks later she was reserved, rather cold and very quiet. And now the boundaries are in place..I highly doubt that I'll experience that warmth again, or if I do it will be inconsistently.
Honestly, I know that some of my feelings are due to my own experiences throughout my life.. What gets confusing is trying to figure out what is my stuff and what is hers . Thank you again for your response !!😊