How can I open up to T once and for all?

Hey all. I know it's been a while since I last posted but ive been really busy with school + exams. I finally finished last week and I'm on summer vacation for the next 4 months after 16 straight months of school.

Anyways, I had a bit of a health scare a few months ago which made me get bloodwork + a trip to the ER, and turned out that everything was 100% normal. For the next month or so everything was looking like it was turning positive and I was okay. Then for some reason, a week before exams I lost it again. I was crying over my health, and pretty much over everything. I havent seen my T in 2 weeks, I go this week, and I really want to just be honest with her. I figured that the reason I hold back comes from two reasons (which T knows), me trying to handle everything on my own, and the fear of crying. I want to just let it out this week but the fear is stopping me. The only thing that helps me is emailing but I dont want to continue that way because I want to move forward and be able to speak face to face.

Any tips or ideas to help out? Something I can say at the start of the session to sort of break the ice and let my T know I have something to say but I'm too afraid to?

Thank you !

Sorry to hear things are bad but good on you for wanting to open up. I struggle with this too but I have taken something valuable from the forums here and that is to maybe just say what you said at the end of your post. Just say "I have something to say but I am scared to".

I have yet to try but it is the way I am going to approach it when the time is right. Good luck with it.

I agree, you can say it just like that. But your T will alsotry to narrow things down too.

Thanks for the fast replies! I think thats how I will start the session that way we are both aware that there is something and hopefully T can help me open up about it. Hopefully I can stand by my word and not chicken out last minute like I always do

I also have had the fear of crying. I have cried in therapy but I am still afraid to just let go sometimes. What helps me is when I tell her that I have something to say but I am scared and scared to cry. She always reassures me and tells me its ok to talk about anything and its ok to cry. I hope you can open up to your T.

You simply make the decision to do so (open up) and do it, despite the fear.

I found, for myself, that it could not be forced. I only made myself feel worse by thinking I could will myself to open up when I wasn't ready.

So, I guess I don't have any advice. If I could go back and tell my younger self anything, it would be to not try so hard, but I know that's hollow comfort when you're filled with anxiety.

Thanks everyone. I think you're right. I just have to go in and be honest or else I won't get any help. I just wish it was as easy as it sounds.

Sounds simple but it's far from easy.

Sent from my mobile device using Tapatalk.

Are you allowed to text or email your T? If I want to talk about something difficult, I'll send my T a short message before session and he'll bring it up so I can't chicken out.

Yes, would you consider keeping up the email? If it's helping you progress I think it's a good idea - you could work on the face-to-face thing a little later, but maybe just focus on getting your message across to your therapist and improving the problem that's really bringing you to therapy. Being able to speak face to face seems like maybe you could consider a secondary problem?

Emailing sounds like the right thing to do but I feel like I bother T with it (even though she's said numerous times that it's okay to email). How would you word the email ? Any tips on that ? Thanks for the replies !!

Update:

Just got home from my session and I barely spoke. I feel like garbage right now about myself. At one point I got angry and I felt my self crossing my arms which is something ive never done before in front of my T. Also, I kept getting angry and telling my T that I felt like I did not need to do any of this and my T replied by saying "well whats the point of coming if you wont do the work" which I get because ive been putting it off for a while now. I just left feeling like I had so much more to say. I hate myself so much right now

Oh Anxious, I feel you there. I had a similar session today, I kept leading myself round and round in circles and wasnt getting anywhere. I don't know if I was at fault or whether it just was. It is so frustrating isn't it. I didn't talk about any of what I wanted and I didn't feel that my T was helping me, though how she could when I am so closed I don't know. Grrrr. Let's both try and forget about it and just think there is always next time.

Someone in my diet club said once (about having a bad food day but it can translate to therapy I suppose) just because you got one flat tyre on your car would that mean you went and punctured the other three. I guess what I am saying is try not to let one bad session destroy the hope, though when they all seem to be bad it can be a difficult thought to hold on to!!

It sucks Sorry you had to deal with a similar situation too! What is even worse is that my T encourages me to write emails when things get hard and when I left something out, but even then, I feel like I bother her so I dont even do that. Im actually so complicated its hopeless.

when I feel like this after a session, I try to use those feelings to remind myself what it feels like when I don't share what is on my mind. Then when I am in session and I don't feel like talking - I remind myself that I will likely feel crappy yet again after my session. It sometimes helps me to spit out whatever it is that I thought I had wanted to share before I found myself actually sitting in the office feeling like I had nothing to say.

I still struggle with this, but it does get a bit easier each time.

If your T allowed you to email her if anything came up, would you be able to use that as a way to open up or like me worry about bothering the therapist.

It took a bit of work with my old T to learn to reach out via email as prep for the sessions but I am at least able to do this now with new T so I have sent her an email. I started to think, with the email, well if I am sitting here debating it maybe I would feel better if I just did, and I do feel better.

I can't do that in session because my thoughts are all so jumbled that I can't make sense of it like I can at home. I hope that you can find a way to send an email because it might help you and you won't know until you try.

I think I will send the email later on tonight. I just always wonder if I'm the only client of my T who has this much trouble after seeing T for 2 years ! I dont understand it. Ive never been the type to talk about feelings and thats why my T lets me email and that way we can talk about it in the session. But then in the sessions, I just put on a fake face and pretend like oh yeah it only bothered me when I sent the email but now im 100% fine, which in truth is never the case.

Ugh, I wish this was easier

I wrote the email now I just have to push myself to send it. I usually stay up really late anyways (its summer) so I want to send it around like 12-1 am so that I can sleep and not be awake if she replies. Hopefully I dont back out because I think this could help a lot.

Good for you for writing it, now just hit that send button!! I seem to have to wait a while for responses which is difficult but better than stewing with the thoughts for a week.

I have alot of problems talking myself. My T lets me email, he only responds once in a while and only to direct important questions, but it helps.

I don't expect him to respond. I've learned to use it as kinda "This was my experience of last session" reports. That way we are on the same page.

It help when he knows what my experience has been, especially lately as my negative transference was kicked in high gear and he pushes button without knowing it. So, it's important to tell him.

Good luck. If your T gave you permission to email, it should work out good. Just know the response might be limited like with my T. He tries to keep everything in the room, as much as possible anyway.

Do you find therapy is helping you?

Honestly ! Once I send the email I worry about the response but once I get the response ( my T is really reassuring in her responses ) I feel better knowing that I won't have to lie or hide the thoughts anymore.

For sure ! Therapy has helped me feel less anxious about so many things. It's just this particular topic has been a bad fear of mine and trauma provoking so I try to hold the thoughts in as much as possible.