Dear T: I Need To Tell You Something... Part XVIII

Hi T, maybe I have been testing you, pushing you. You are still there and say we will always discuss it, always talk about it all. That is great to hear and I think I might have exhausted this for now. It seems to be leaving me and I think I might be ready to move forwards after the obligatory discussion about it all. I just hope that talking about it all doesn't bring up even more for me because I want to lay it to bed and get back to telling you about the stuff that has caused all of this.

I bought a purple bear so we can use it to help ground me. I wonder what to call him. I will have a think. I am not going to contact you before Tuesday unless something really gets me messed up, I think you deserve a break. Come to think of it I think I deserve a break too.

Have a great weekend, see you Tuesday

I really hope things settle down for me next week when we miss our session. I wonder why you're away and where you're going.
I am struggling because it's so important to me right now to compartmentalise you as a therapist and deny the rest of your life to my awareness. Only then can I delve into this material without worrying about you.
So your wife becoming a name and a profession rather than just your wedding ring was hard for me. It makes me feel I have no right to claim ownership of a part of you. This small part of you I claim one hour a week.

I miss you, T!! I have several things to talk about and share with you since I saw you last Monday, and next Wed seems soooo far off! 😵

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T- why on earth am I such a mess right now? I feel awful leaving a stupid crying VM last night after you texted saying you'll call today or tomorrow. It's hard even being at work, where usually the kids are a refuge from the sadness. Why did i spiral down so quickly?! I'm a little scared.

T - I hate that you're on vacation for two weeks. Right now is "our" hour and I'm sitting at home not knowing what to do with myself.

I love you. Do you have any clue that I love you?

You are an arrogant, egomaniac, narcissist with a god-complex (look it up). Get help, if anyone can help you at all, I'm having serious doubts.

You have gotten away with too much for too long and these are contributing factors.

(Not feeling well tonight so I'm off my game.)

Dear T,

She's doing it again trying her best to control me and even if I don't play her game and ignore her cuts and shaming, I still get stuck and I'm angry for hours. I'm not good at this. I want to bleach my mind off all her garbage. Why am I do weak? How do I do this?

You say you're not mad.
I don't believe you.

Why?? Why Why??? Why??? Why would you hurt me so badly? Was it worth it?? Did you get what you wanted from her??

Who will be the next victim??

Seriously need to work through this preverbal stuff. I have a hunch that my intense feelings towards you will die down then and you will just become T again. I think I need to feel this strength of feeling to feel safe enough to do it.

T - I just got my class schedule for the fall and am terrified you won't have room for me on your schedule anymore and you'll terminate and refer me out. I can't bear the thought of losing you.

Were you in my house ILLEGALLY AGAIN????

How dare you EXPLOIT ME, HUMILIATE AND EMBARASS ME just so you can get ___x and MAKE MORE MONEY AT THE EXPENSE OF MY LIFE!!!

THO!SE WHO HELPED YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF THEMSELVES BUT THEY ARE IDIOTS TOO

YOU MISERABLE SCUMBAG!! I HATE YOU!!

Well - today's the big day.

Im scared.

Apologies in advance for whatever form of raging frothjob turns up on Tuesday ;p

I believe I thought telling about the (abuse) details and flashbacks would help you understand- plus purge the memories and help me feel better.

-Telling about the details and flashbacks- (how I'm bothered by them in the present) - none of that helps very much.

-Not talking about the things that bother me doesn't help that much.

An errant moment on tv, on the Internet, at the doctors office, at the park, ...apparently even at the CVS drive through...can remind me or bring on a flashback...or make me mad...or make me burst into tears.

DD suggested I "get rid" of the memories. That isn't going to happen. How would I do that?

Anti depressants don't work.

There's nothing anyone can do that will help.

Killing abusivePdoc wouldn't help, even.

So, I don't know what to do.
There is nothing I can do.

I just got the letter telling me my cats ashes are ready for collection. And its like so many eras are ending and new ones beginning. Some people have come with me.. and some have not. I'm glad you came with me. It's like when the light nearly goes out , can someone bring it back to life. You were at the core of that. I think you know , and I think you how difficult it is for me say it. Maybe it's not something I could even put into words. So you just know....

T, I still can't believe I got so lucky to have "accidentally" found you while looking up pdoc's referrals way back in late 2011. And that you called me back first, before the other one I called did!! It wasn't really luck though, huh. It was written in the stars, or something. haha. But seriously, yeah. Something like that.

I couldn't believe you when you said you're always thinking about me. A part of me was so touched and loved but my don't-trust-anyone-they'll-always-have-some-hidden-intentions part laughed at your words. I wish I could just accept your care and love as you display, and not always try to find what's behind them, because there probably isn't anything.

Oh my dear T. I transferred all of our emails into one document tonight and I read them all again. I cannot quite believe you are still around to be honest. You have heard the same things from me time and time again, how I want to work, who and how I want you to be and how I cannot believe you would be there for me. And yet you still are, in that way, but you don't tell me that.

It has left me feeling sorry for making you go through it all week after week; ashamed at my inability to trust you; infuriated at your distant closeness; scated that because you won't say it it isnt true; grateful for your patience and very happy that you are being who and how I want you to be.

That's a lot for me and I don't know what to do with it apart from go with the flow for a bit while everything seems to be fairly stable. I mean seriously, you would have to be pretty dense to have not got it by now, and you are not dense so you must get it. The fact that you are still here and being who I need you to be must mean that you are happy with that? Let's jump on the raft and go for a ride, shall we?

I wana talk to u.

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I agree. I totally want to talk to my T right now

Please love me!

Dam these Ts

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When you label and bad mouth someone publically, it will stay with them for LIFE. You better be darn sure you know what you are saying before you say it!!
You have ruined MY LIFE, what little is left of it. You took the best of me and threw it away. Now it's gone for good. I can't imagine being hurt worse than what you and she have done to me.

I wish you would text to see if I'm okay.
I'm not.
At all.
Telling my husband it's just illness.
Honesty is it's my dark thoughts and fear.
You know I should be there.
I'm just waiting for something that wont happen.
I don't want to tell you AGAIN that I'm not okay.