Today's session was just awful, it was first session after ts break. She was twenty mins late, that was ok because I got to sit outside and relax in the sun before she came. It gave me a chance to gather my thoughts.
I told t that this week had been a huge struggle for and immediately she intervened with her Gestalt and corrected me and asked me to say it again saying I struggled, grrrrr! Of course that got me quite mad because I just needed her to listen and to try understand. I really noticed that she never really tries to understand my situation, there is no empathy.
I told her I had been very emotional and sad, to which she corrected me again by saying "my sadness" blah, blah, blah!
She then said that she noticed my voice was quite adult today and that point I lost the will to live because she was being judgemental about my voice and how I speak and so I completely shut down! There was silence for at least ten minutes. T tried to intervene by saying she wanted to support me but didn't know how, could I help her out. I didn't answer so she asked of I could hear her I nodded.
I feel completely judged by t, I it's not safe to speak or talk without something being said about how I talk(tone) or content.
I am not sure if I can continue in with t. I am very attached to her but this is ridiculous. I was telling her about my relationships and how a dream has evoked my sadness and she completely ignored what I was saying and said it was because I am homophobic and my shame is ruling my life. She asked where the shame was coming from and I shutdown again. There was a big misattunment today! T even called me by my exes name and that made me really made and of course I didn't say anything.
Of course about an hour after session I got really mad and text her to which I got no reply. I said I don't think we can work together anymore because of her issue with my voice. I said she always comments on how whiny or childish it is and how can I possibly feel comfortable talking in front of her if she is judging me all of the time.
I rely don't understand how commenting on some bodies voice is either therApuetic or helpful, it is neither for me and now I just want to cry and get mad at t for not listening and being really missatuned. I felt misunderstood and angry. I also told her how one of my class mates who was a trainee therapist had completely forgot who my ex was and I was disgusted and of course I jumped on the homophobic train, I said it was because it wasn't a heterosexual relationship, it wasn't important enough to remember her name or who she was. T said it was up to me how I wound myself with that information and then I shut down again.
Sorry for the big long rant and thank you for taking the time to read it, I guess I am feeling a little crap tonight and would like some support.

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[Rive.]

Has she always been like this towards you? Maybe this is simply her style/approach - and she doesn’t know how to be any different.

I’ve no idea how Gestalt therapists operate so not sure if what she is doing is the norm but there seems to be a ‘disconnect’ between what you want from her/therapy (caring, non-judgmental attitude etc.) & what she can give.

You might benefit from a different modality.

[Waterbear]

I guess it would be hard to leave her if you are attached but it really doesn't seem that you two are suited together and you may really benefit from a different T. Whatever, it just sounds really hard to be misunderstood and judged when it shouldn't be like that.

[retro_chic]

I'm sorry your session didn't go well. My last session didn't go well either so I understand how you feel. Hopefully you can discuss with your T and she will listen and at least try and show you the empathy and understanding you need.

[Merecat]

My understanding of gestalt therapy is that it can feel quite confronting because the therapist is supposed to notice and reflect back to you your body langurs, tone of voice, use of language etc. it may be that her modality doesn't suit you.

I don't know if this makes any sense to you mona, but I found with T1 (and it took 16 months after terminating to realise this) I wasn't so much attached to him (though boy did I feel it) but I was attached to the type of relationship I had with him - ie rupture/repair/rupture/repair. I realised it was very close to my childhood family relationships. The repair bits were such a high, and powerful because that affection could be taken away again.
I only say this because I remember how happy you felt after the last session where you felt cared for by her.
I think the time will come when you leave this T and realise that you should have left a long time ago. Nothing about this relationship is therapeutic.
I know you feel you need gestalt therapy, but I would recommend trying a less provocative modality.

[AllHeart]

Originally Posted by monalisasmile

I rely don't understand how commenting on some bodies voice is either therApuetic or helpful...

You don't understand because this isn't understandable. It's not therapeutic or helpful. It's very non-therapeutic and unhelpful. It's fu****g cruel. This woman judges you, interrupts, and ignores you, etc. almost every session which is all so shaming. From what you often describe, this woman is emotionally abusive to you, imo.

Originally Posted by monalisasmile

I am not sure if I can continue in with t. I am very attached to her but this is ridiculous...
Of course about an hour after session I got really mad and text her to which I got no reply. I said I don't think we can work together anymore because of her issue with my voice. I said she always comments on how whiny or childish it is and how can I possibly feel comfortable talking in front of her if she is judging me all of the time.

Has she since responded to your text?

I understand that you are attached to this t and realize the problems that presents when needing to terminate. However, it sounds like you may have reached the point where you are actually able to terminate. While I do hope that you are able to follow through with this termination, know it's ok if you don't, too. It's obvious you are so very close to reaching the end of your rope with this t and termination will come when that happens (if it hasn't already).

This woman's abusive ways anger me to no avail. I am so sorry you are going through all of this.

[Out There]

This is difficult for you. One day I think I'm going to log on here and see a thread entitled " I've decided I deserve a quality therapist " by Monalisasmile

I'm not sure I'd say that was judgement. The way you've described the interaction sounds a bit contrived. But judgemental? No. I think she was trying to make toy aware of different 'states'. Perhaps in a poor way.

[JustShakey]

I don't know Mona... You have such intense ups and downs with this T. Something is not right...

Originally Posted by Rive.

Has she always been like this towards you? Maybe this is simply her style/approach - and she doesn’t know how to be any different.


I’ve no idea how Gestalt therapists operate so not sure if what she is doing is the norm but there seems to be a ‘disconnect’ between what you want from her/therapy (caring, non-judgmental attitude etc.) & what she can give.


You might benefit from a different modality.

You are right, I want more than she can give. She was kind, non judgemental and empathic at first. She was everything I wanted in a t but now she keeps going in about challenging me and there being enough support in our relationship to handle it. I don't think there is support. There is definitely a disconnect between us and thank you for your response Rive

Originally Posted by Waterbear

I guess it would be hard to leave her if you are attached but it really doesn't seem that you two are suited together and you may really benefit from a different T. Whatever, it just sounds really hard to be misunderstood and judged when it shouldn't be like that.

It is very hard and it's the one place where I should be understood and not judged.

Originally Posted by retro_chic

I'm sorry your session didn't go well. My last session didn't go well either so I understand how you feel. Hopefully you can discuss with your T and she will listen and at least try and show you the empathy and understanding you need.

Sorry your session didn't go well either, it's so hard to process and cope afterwards.

Originally Posted by Merecat

My understanding of gestalt therapy is that it can feel quite confronting because the therapist is supposed to notice and reflect back to you your body langurs, tone of voice, use of language etc. it may be that her modality doesn't suit you.

I think you are right and maybe my love of gestalt is fading and I am growing out of it

Originally Posted by Echos Myron

I don't know if this makes any sense to you mona, but I found with T1 (and it took 16 months after terminating to realise this) I wasn't so much attached to him (though boy did I feel it) but I was attached to the type of relationship I had with him - ie rupture/repair/rupture/repair. I realised it was very close to my childhood family relationships. The repair bits were such a high, and powerful because that affection could be taken away again.
I only say this because I remember how happy you felt after the last session where you felt cared for by her.
I think the time will come when you leave this T and realise that you should have left a long time ago. Nothing about this relationship is therapeutic.
I know you feel you need gestalt therapy, but I would recommend trying a less provocative modality.

Thanks Echos, what you say makes sense to me. The destructive nature of our relationship is almost addictive. It feels so good but it hurts. It is a familiar dynamic to me, thank you for reminding me because sometimes I am blinded by the dynamic and the pattern.

Originally Posted by AllHeart

You don't understand because this isn't understandable. It's not therapeutic or helpful. It's very non-therapeutic and unhelpful. It's fu****g cruel. This woman judges you, interrupts, and ignores you, etc. almost every session which is all so shaming. From what you often describe, this woman is emotionally abusive to you, imo.





Has she since responded to your text?


I understand that you are attached to this t and realize the problems that presents when needing to terminate. However, it sounds like you may have reached the point where you are actually able to terminate. While I do hope that you are able to follow through with this termination, know it's ok if you don't, too. It's obvious you are so very close to reaching the end of your rope with this t and termination will come when that happens (if it hasn't already).


This woman's abusive ways anger me to no avail. I am so sorry you are going through all of this.

Thank you all heart I am sorry that my posts sometime trigger you. T hasn't responded to my text and I doubt she will. I have decided I am not going to our scheduled appointment this week, I am not telling t, I just won't show up.
I know this could lead to termination. I think t hasn't responded because we spoke last week how when I text her last time after session, I was angry then too, well I wanted her to terminate, I was trying to push her away. She probably thinks this is the same situation and I don't think she even realised how upset I was, she didn't care. That hurt because I struggled so much this week but she wasn't interested. She was fixated on my voice! I have become so paranoid that I find myself thinking before I talk and then silencing myself because I am feeling so bad about my voice.

Originally Posted by Out There

This is difficult for you. One day I think I'm going to log on here and see a thread entitled " I've decided I deserve a quality therapist " by Monalisasmile

awh, thank you for your kind words Out there, they brought tears to my eyes ️

Originally Posted by _Mouse

I'm not sure I'd say that was judgement. The way you've described the interaction sounds a bit contrived. But judgemental? No. I think she was trying to make toy aware of different 'states'. Perhaps in a poor way.

I felt it was judgemental, I appreciate what you are saying mouse but I feel it wasn't about different states, it was a comment on my voice, a judgement! She was trying to provoke me because I went silent.


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[Favorite Jeans]

Mona what is keeping you mired in this ambivalence and indecision about your T?

Look back at your last few years of posts here. This has been going on an awfully long time. What do think this is all about? If you could do and have anything you wanted with respect to you therapy, what would it be? What do you really need?

Perhaps I'm overstepping here but it's hard to see you spinning in circles. How would you like to handle this?

[velcro003]

I will say I agree with everyone that you two aren't a good fit, but it maybe seems a little like testing to just not show up and not tell your T? Maybe you could just text or email and say "I am cancelling next week, thanks."

Originally Posted by Favorite Jeans

Mona what is keeping you mired in this ambivalence and indecision about your T?

Look back at your last few years of posts here. This has been going on an awfully long time. What do think this is all about? If you could do and have anything you wanted with respect to you therapy, what would it be? What do you really need?

Perhaps I'm overstepping here but it's hard to see you spinning in circles. How would you like to handle this?

You are overstepping and I always appreciate your comments.
I am not sure what is keeping me with her, I am guessing it's familiar pattern for me. The fights and the make ups, the put downs and let downs. I wanted to experience a healthy relationship in therapy and so far that hasn't happened. T has had a lot of trauma in her life and so have I and perhaps our attachment styles are not suitable together.
Perhaps we are not capable of experiencing a healthy relationship together. I think t has different ideas of how my healing should go and where I should be on that road. So she pushes and I resist. I don't like being controlled or being pushed. I just need to be listened to and heard without judgement. I have been judged all of my life and so I thought it would be different in therapy. I think t gets too emotionally involved, realises this and then pulls away.
She wants the best for me I know that but I think she gets too familiar and thinks she can say things that aren't appropriate and that hurt me. I think this time she realises that she has hurt me because she never responded to my text, she always responds or rings.

Originally Posted by velcro003

I will say I agree with everyone that you two aren't a good fit, but it maybe seems a little like testing to just not show up and not tell your T? Maybe you could just text or email and say "I am cancelling next week, thanks."

Maybe I want her to know that she hurt me and that she will feel guilty but I know that she will never punish herself, it's not her style


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You mentioned above that she "always" contacts you in some form after upset. I assumed you were left to struggle on your own until the next appointed hour. When things are good is she still willing to engage you out of session? Be as attentive? Give you that extra attention? I'm not looking for an answer here, just food for thought. I know for me, it was that, I mattered to someone no matter what. Some one was paying attention to me, especially my therapist outside my 50 minute hour. I got more attention with upset than not.

Hopefully, you will be able to break away from her as so many here that post...if that is what you really want.

ETA: I do recommend canceling by email or voicemail, because that is the polite thing to do, and from reading you over time, that is who I have come to believe who you really are; a polite and kind human being.

[velcro003]

Originally Posted by monalisasmile

Maybe I want her to know that she hurt me and that she will feel guilty but I know that she will never punish herself, it's not her style


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Exactly. I don't think that is an effective way to show her you are upset, and is more of a passive-aggressive way than just direct confrontation (as i shoudl know, since i am queen of it!)

The thing is, from what i've seen from your posts about her, is you DO use direct confrontation with her, but it doesn't help because she refuses to open up and see your side of it, which is a TERRIBLE quality in a T, theoretical orientation or not.

Originally Posted by Walkedthatroad

You mentioned above that she "always" contacts you in some form after upset. I assumed you were left to struggle on your own until the next appointed hour. When things are good is she still willing to engage you out of session? Be as attentive? Give you that extra attention? I'm not looking for an answer here, just food for thought. I know for me, it was that, I mattered to someone no matter what. Some one was paying attention to me, especially my therapist outside my 50 minute hour. I got more attention with upset than not.

Hopefully, you will be able to break away from her as so many here that post...if that is what you really want.

ETA: I do recommend canceling by email or voicemail, because that is the polite thing to do, and from reading you over time, that is who I have come to believe who you really are; a polite and kind human being.

T usually texts back after I am upset or angry at her, this time is different. Perhaps she is just waiting till our session but last time she text back saying we will talk about this at our session, even that was a relief, this time nothing. I thought she cared but maybe she knows I am pushing her away and is trying not to respond to it. I don't know anymore, I am in a really bad place because I know I have done it this time and I have pushed her too far. I think she will agree that we can't work together and is waiting to tell me when I go to session, except I won't be there. I can resonate with you getting more attention with the upset, people do pay more attention when we are upset and angry, it is our nature as humans to try fix things.
When things are good, t does engage more, she has often text to see if I wanted her to get me a book when she was training or to pass on some information that would be helpful etc. I tend not to contact her when everything is ok. I will still see t as she is contracted to the agency I do my clinical experience with, so that will be awkward.
T said she wanted to support me at our last session but she didn't know how. I said it's because you can't, I don't know if anyone can because I can't be helped. I think after so many bad experiences in therapy I am really giving up this time. I it's pointless and I can't be helped anymore by her or any other therapist. One t told me I was hard work and another told me I wasn't an easy client, I knew it already but I am starting to really believe it.

Originally Posted by velcro003

Exactly. I don't think that is an effective way to show her you are upset, and is more of a passive-aggressive way than just direct confrontation (as i shoudl know, since i am queen of it!)


The thing is, from what i've seen from your posts about her, is you DO use direct confrontation with her, but it doesn't help because she refuses to open up and see your side of it, which is a TERRIBLE quality in a T, theoretical orientation or not.

It takes one to know one I am queen of passive aggressiveness too! T has suspected that my silence is punishment for her, my anger for her and now I am thinking what if it is, mixed in with a paranoia of talking in case she comments on my voice again. I do always confront her and try to work things out. I am always honest with her and never hold back, she listens sometimes but then does the same thing again. Our last rupture was over her comments about my voice too, I expressed how unbelievably rude and untherapuetic her comments were sand she is again a few months later commenting again. I told her in my text that it didn't feel safe anymore. Her issue with my voice is interfering in our work. My voice can't change.

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monalisa quote: " One t told me I was hard work and another told me I wasn't an easy client,"

Excuse me for saying, but, You ARE NOT responsible for their shortfalls. blank them! I don't profess to know if this is a good or bad therapist for you, but I will say that I have experienced more forward movement in reading your writings about therapy than I had when you spoke about the last two. I hear you about the voice thing. Have you pinpointed exactly what the issue is that she is pointing out. Could it be uptalk,...? Our words, and voices are very powerful tools, and sometimes when we are working on past issues, we end up using the voice and words from when we were children, which don't always move us forward in our personal life or chosen professions. I have proof from the recordings I made during my last therapy. My voice changed with what the discussion was. I never knew.

Someone mentioned makeup sex in a recent thread. To me this is an apt metaphor for what is happening with the two of you. She hasn't started repair outside of therapy, so you are dumping on mona more, because she is not there atm to freeze frame the abuse.

Please mona, understand that I do not say any of the above in malice, only to hopefully spur you on to more questions, and solutions as you move through your journey.

I too, believe your silence is to punish your therapist, as you have been punished by those in your past. Transference is some powerful stuff. One of things I get from most of the postings here is that if we tell someone we don't like something, we automatically expect it will never happen again, and that has not been the case, even with therapist. Most none of us are willing to say, "STOP! Don't ever say or do that again." I wonder why that is? Besides the thought that therapists, parents, or SO's, should know better. "If they really cared about me they would..."

Yes, I remember somebody( I think it was Favourite Jeans, correct me if I am wrong) mentioned the make up sex. It is addictive and worth the fights to have a session like I had with her the last time, when she was really caring towards me. I would do anything for a little bit of TLC from her. See, there is a rescuer in t and most therapists. They want to help and rescue, when I am in distress usually t comes running and she is like a knight in shinning armour but this time she hasn't and I am confused and lost by it. I dont want to play these games with her but I find myself really playing into them in the last few months.
My transference changes from erotic, positive to negative in a matter of seconds. perhaps I love her and this is why I get so angry with her.
The issue with my voice is that she will point out when it sounds whiny, childish or adult. I dont care how it sounds, that is not what I am in therapy for, she thinks she is being helpful by pointing out these differences but she is not being helpful at all.
I know that you dont say anything in malice Walkedthatroad, I dont think you possibly could, it is always with the posters best interests and I thank you for your honesty. There is plenty of food for thought here.
I remember crying for two days solid when it was pointed out by my trainers that I loved my t, that was from a very young place, most of my feelings towards t are coming from a young place.

quote from above: "I know that you dont say anything in malice Walkedthatroad, I dont think you possibly could, it is always with the posters best interests and I thank you for your honesty."

No – not always, but most times. Unfortunately, I don't know how to write it as nicely as so many of the gifted writers on PC.

Wishing you clarity.

wtr

[1stepatatime]

Hi Mona
First off, I'm sorry that your going through such a challenging time with this therapist! As I read your post and your responses to others it caused me to reflect on my own therapeutic relationship. As you know I've been with my therapist for over three years now. She is very qualified and I have made some positive changes thru our work together. But I can relate to your feelings being hurt,, as you know I've been thru some sh** with my therapist too. But one big, big difference is I have never felt judged, or made fun of by my therapist. If your feeling that way and have discussed it with her maybe it's time to take some time off from her and weigh out the pros and cons.. Although it seems like the cons outweigh the pros. I just hate to read how badly you feel after what seems like almost every session. That's not to say that there aren't times where we walk out of a session feeling like the weight of the world is on our shoulders.. It happens to us all but Ibelieve that your situation is different from that. i hope that you will look at your options, because you do have them and make a sound decision.. I wish you the best as always!!😊😊😊