[junkDNA]

basically, i lied to my T for months. it was more like withholding important information. i relapsed into my opiate addiction and hid it from everyone. one day abt a month ago i ran out of drugs and got dope sick and basically just really wanted to stop doing it. i texted T what i had been doing. my T texted me back and thanked me for telling him, he would support me how ever he can, hes not mad and not going to refer me out. (i had asked if he was going to do that, part of why i didnt say anything to begin with was my fear of that)

another component is that i suffer from a psychotic disorder and the drugs did make some of that flare up which my T did not understand because he wasnt aware of the relapse.

anyway, i fainted the other night and ever since then i keep thinking i am dead. that i actually died that night. and i feel this intense need to figure out if i am alive or dead. i am aware that htis might be a symptom, but am still pretty confused about how to figure out if i am alive. ive got this small voice saying, this is stupid, you are not dead. but then ive got this big voice saying, how can one be sure????

i texted my T my thoughts and he said Did you take drugs? i said no i didnt. but ever since i confessed abt my relapse , im afraid he always thinks im on drugs. he drug tested me last week and i was negative for everything.

i dont really have a reason to be mad because i did lie to him about something huge. it is a totally valid question to ask if i am on drugs. but now i feel like he just thinks im lying about being on drugs again. i kinda wish i just hadnt have said whats going on in my head

have you ever lied to your therapist about something major? if so, how did you earn trust back, or were you able to? how did your T react to your confession (if you have confessed)?

[Random]

I've withheld important information from my t a lot. It's scary admitting things you know arent a good thing. I signed a promise I wouldnt try to harm myself knowing I was going to when I signed it just because I didnt want to be pushed into it. To avoid the drama and possible negative consequences, I "lied" and signed it. Afterwards, I was very anxious for my next appointment because I had been in the hospital so he was going to know I lied. It wasnt the end of the world, we just moved on and tried a different approach.

Also, you seem alive to me since I read your post. I know it's not that easy but yeah. I hope you brought that up with your t too, I think I read somewhere about that condition and he will likely be able to help with that too.

It probably more about trying to decide if the thinking you are dealing with is a result of the effects of drugs or of actual thought disorder problems, and since you have been using drugs, it is important for him to know the difference. There may be some element of trust issue there, but it is probably more of not knowing which he is dealing with.

I know during a time that I was very impulsively suicidal, both my T and Pdoc would ask me repeatedly about my mood, thoughts, plans, etc. It wasn't so much that they didn't trust ME, as much as they didn't trust my level of impulsivity and they wanted to be sure I was safe and that they were intervening appropriately.

When I stabilized and we had established a routine of communication, with me consistently following a safety plan, etc., they started asking less because they had more confidence in my stability and ability to ask for help before I ended up in a dangerous spot.

You were lying to protect yourself, the part of you that is addicted. I hope you don't beat yourself up about it. It's ok.

It doesn't sound like he doesn't trust you, so I don't think you need to worry about earning trust back, it sounds more like he wanted to make sure he had all the information he needs to properly help you.
From everything you've said before he sounds like a caring and accepting T. He must trust he'll get a straight answer from you otherwise why would he ask you?

[junkDNA]

thanks for your thoughts guys. i am seeing what you are saying- that he just wants information to better know what's happening. i guess a lot of it is me with the guilty conscience. he also asked if i have eaten and i said yes, that i ate some broccoli and cauliflower. he said how much and when. so i told him. he didn't text anything after that.

[junkDNA]

i saw my T. i dont think he thinks im on drugs. he asked me if ive missed meds i said i dont think so. i asked him if its such a weird thing to question.... being alive or dead. he said yeah. i was like ok.

i dont think its that weird honestly. i think it makes a lot of sense. i think more people should question it. what if the objective collective reality we all assume to be true is not? how do we know for sure? are we just lying and accepting things bc its easier on our minds and hearts?

do i even make sense

no one has to respond to that i am just venting

[Random]

I think he was looking at the question like a therapist. I agree with you for what it's worth. My first reaction to you being alive or dead was of course you're alive cause I am reading your post. If you were dead, there would be no post. But it isn't that easy because how do you know that's a reality. There's no real way to know, you just basically have to trust that it is because if you aren't alive and this is some afterlife, you have plenty of time on your hands. I agree with you, it's not weird, if anything it is interesting to think about. The only bad thing about it seems to be that it is causing you anxiety and distress. I can see how it would be scary.

[junkDNA]

Originally Posted by Random

I think he was looking at the question like a therapist. I agree with you for what it's worth. My first reaction to you being alive or dead was of course you're alive cause I am reading your post. If you were dead, there would be no post. But it isn't that easy because how do you know that's a reality. There's no real way to know, you just basically have to trust that it is because if you aren't alive and this is some afterlife, you have plenty of time on your hands. I agree with you, it's not weird, if anything it is interesting to think about. The only bad thing about it seems to be that it is causing you anxiety and distress. I can see how it would be scary.

yes, i dont think there is a way to know is real and what isnt. maybe we're all just a bunch of dead people walking around living what we think is a life. maybe im in some cryogenic freezer somewehre imagining all of this. maybe no one is real and its all just my brain. having people respond to me, or say yes you are alive, doesnt work. because how am i to know they are real?

i wish i had some way to test it

[LonesomeTonight]

Originally Posted by junkDNA

yes, i dont think there is a way to know is real and what isnt. maybe we're all just a bunch of dead people walking around living what we think is a life. maybe im in some cryogenic freezer somewehre imagining all of this. maybe no one is real and its all just my brain. having people respond to me, or say yes you are alive, doesnt work. because how am i to know they are real?

i wish i had some way to test it

I do understand what you mean by this. As a kid and occasionally now, I had some brief episodes of I guess derealization, where it felt like I was separate from the world looking in on it. Like nothing was real, my life wasn't real, family wasn't real. Because really, how do any of us know if our reality is the same as anyone else's?

It's kind of like how I was explaining to my T about all the thoughts in my head all the time, and she said how most other people's brains weren't like that. And I was like, "But I've never been inside someone else's head, so I have no idea what's 'normal,' just what I experience. So I just assumed this was normal." Sometimes I wish I could go into someone else's head for a bit, someone without any sort of mental illness (if they exist!) just to see what it's like.

[Mondayschild]

I tried to commit suicide when I was 12. As in I died and the paramedics restarted my heart and I was in a coma. Sometimes I go to the same place. How do I know i actually survived that? . My life has turned out far better than anyone would've predicted, even me apparently. Then I start swimming down that hole and it's awful because there is really no way to know.

#Life is a beautiful lie#

[Septembersrain]

I have this terrible habit of never telling any therapist the truth.

My reason?

I'm terrified it'll come back to haunt me somehow. My past will be used against me by someone or something. I'll get this huge label that'll forever trap me as being "Mentally ill".

I open the flood gates of my past and the reactions I get always make me end up clamming back up.

I've yet to see a therapist more than once. I try but once I attempt to be honest but only skim the surface, then I feel judged, prosecuted, and found guilty.

I've spent my entire life copying positive attributes from others to hide my instability mentally. Unfortunately this has now left me unable to completely reveal what's under my chameleon personality.

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[JustShakey]

It strikes me that wondering if you're alive or dead is a bit like those theological debates about angels dancing on pinheads. If you can feel the sun on your face and the wind in your hair does it really matter? I read an article there a while back - a serious scientific article theorizing that our world exists in an alien computer simulation a la The Matrix. Maybe we're just someone's undergraduate thesis
But who cares, alive or dead, biological life form or AI, we're experiencing. I'm gonna roll with it...

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[BudFox]

I think it's healthy to question the nature of reality, rather than go thru life like an unthinking automaton. What you are describing does sound confusing and distressing though.

Since it's your therapy, are you accountable to him necessarily, in terms of disclosing that you went back on drugs or anything else?

Why did he drug test you?

[annielovesbacon]

Stay safe, I hope you're well. x
I lied to my therapist for a long time about feeling suicidal. I always told her no, I don't feel suicidal, even though that wasn't true. I finally admitted it to her a while ago and now she asks me every time and I can tell she doesn't believe me when I say "no." And it is really frustrating. I know I can't be mad because I broke her trust but it does upset me.

[junkDNA]

Originally Posted by BudFox

I think it's healthy to question the nature of reality, rather than go thru life like an unthinking automaton. What you are describing does sound confusing and distressing though.

Since it's your therapy, are you accountable to him necessarily, in terms of disclosing that you went back on drugs or anything else?

Why did he drug test you?

He drug tested me bc he offered to and I agreed. It was planned for us bc I was going to be at my moms for a period of time which is where I got the drugs I had relapsed on.

Overall I don't want to be using drugs so that's why the test

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[junkDNA]

today seemed much better. i was not as focused on this as the past 2 days. maybe i am moving on from it. i see my T tomorrow. i sent him an email last night explaining my thoughts. im not sure what he'll think of that. i think the more i try to explain my thoughts and say they arent really that crazy, the more crazy i appear.

anyway

[junkDNA]

T believed i didnt do drugs. but then he started lecturing me. i felt bad and told him. i covered myself up with a blanket and wallowed around on his couch. i couldnt put words to what i was experiencing. but he could. he said it seemed like my child part was hurt that he was lecturing me because i was so excited when i first came in to tell him i didnt do drugs while at my moms. and that my parent part was mad at the child part for being hurt because it needed to be blamed. i said yes it felt like what i did wasnt good enough.

he apologized for the lecturing and said he shouldnt have done that. he said he is very proud of me for not using drugs. he said he just worries about me, and wants me to beat this and move past it.

im so glad my T is not some high and mighty *** hat that cant recognize a mistake he's made.

[LonesomeTonight]

Originally Posted by junkDNA

T believed i didnt do drugs. but then he started lecturing me. i felt bad and told him. i covered myself up with a blanket and wallowed around on his couch. i couldnt put words to what i was experiencing. but he could. he said it seemed like my child part was hurt that he was lecturing me because i was so excited when i first came in to tell him i didnt do drugs while at my moms. and that my parent part was mad at the child part for being hurt because it needed to be blamed. i said yes it felt like what i did wasnt good enough.

he apologized for the lecturing and said he shouldnt have done that. he said he is very proud of me for not using drugs. he said he just worries about me, and wants me to beat this and move past it.

im so glad my T is not some high and mighty *** hat that cant recognize a mistake he's made.

You really seem to have a great T. From what I've read here and my own experiences, I think often what separates a good T from those that cause more pain than help is that they're able to admit when they made a mistake. Or at least are willing to discuss the possibility that they messed up. And that they can deal with intense emotions--positive or negative--from their clients. (I'm lucky in that both my T and marriage counselor seem to have this self-awareness.)

Originally Posted by LonesomeTonight

I think often what separates a good T from those that cause more pain than help is that they're able to admit when they made a mistake.

I agree totally. It's one of the most important qualities a T can possess.
Your T has always seemed to be a really positive force for you JunkDNA, I'm glad he realised his mistake and is proud of you. Many of us here on PC are proud of you too

[stopdog]

I don't usually lie, but I also do not feel compelled to answer questions just because a therapist asks. I would never let one of them test me to determine if I was telling the truth or not nor would I allow one to lecture me. I do not feel a need for their approval and it is my life - not theirs. What I choose is of no consequence to them - they do not get a vote on my life.

It can be fun to have theoretical debates over existence. Are we whos living on a dustspeck? Is this an autistic child's fantasy in a snowglobe? Would it make a difference? Fun to think about for me.

[junkDNA]

Originally Posted by stopdog

I don't usually lie, but I also do not feel compelled to answer questions just because a therapist asks. I would never let one of them test me to determine if I was telling the truth or not nor would I allow one to lecture me. I do not feel a need for their approval and it is my life - not theirs. What I choose is of no consequence to them - they do not get a vote on my life.

It can be fun to have theoretical debates over existence. Are we whos living on a dustspeck? Is this an autistic child's fantasy in a snowglobe? Would it make a difference? Fun to think about for me.

I understand thats how you feel abt therapy/therapists. I guess I just feel differently. And that's ok. Whatever works

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[stopdog]

I guess the point I am making is that I don't have a reason to lie to a therapist - I can refuse to answer questions or put topics off limits rather than compromise myself by lying. The therapist cannot compel me, by threat of disapproval or rejection, to do something I am not given to doing. I would not give a therapist that power.
I am not saying one need do it my way - or that your way doesn't work for you. I was just answering the question of lying to a therapist and explaining why I do not.

I have lied by not telling her something that I should. She has never asked the question, so I guess super-technically it's not lying, but a lie by omission is still a lie if it's something t should know I think. I have not told her that I still now and then, when something stressful comes up usually related to money, have the fleeting thought (and this just happened a few days ago actually, but it lasted only as long as it took for the thought to fully form then it was gone)

Possible trigger:

"why didn't they just let me die back in 2009 when I wanted to?"

It doesn't happen often anymore. I was a bit taken aback by it this time. Probably I should tell t.

[LonesomeTonight]

Originally Posted by artemis-within

I have lied by not telling her something that I should. She has never asked the question, so I guess super-technically it's not lying, but a lie by omission is still a lie if it's something t should know I think. I have not told her that I still now and then, when something stressful comes up usually related to money, have the fleeting thought (and this just happened a few days ago actually, but it lasted only as long as it took for the thought to fully form then it was gone)

Possible trigger:

"why didn't they just let me die back in 2009 when I wanted to?"

It doesn't happen often anymore. I was a bit taken aback by it this time. Probably I should tell t.

I would mention it to your T. I think it helps to share these sorts of thoughts (I used to be afraid to share them, now I generally do).