[rainbow8]

I was thinking about my reaction to T last week in the beginning of my session. I wasn't totally honest with her or else I didn't realize something. I commented that she was wearing her contacts, not glasses, so she asked how that makes me feel. This has come up often. I said I can see your eyes so it makes me more nervous, but I'm not going to look away.

Today it occurred to me that what I felt was love! I hadn't seen her for awhile and looking in her eyes brought it all back. After 6 years and all we've been through together, how can I not love her? I've told her I love her but not directly in person. Thinking about telling her makes me imagine the session where I'd cry when I say it. I'd say "I don't want to love you! I've never let myself love anyone like I love you." And I would cry because I'm so pathetic! But these fantasies never happen because I stop myself and I never cry in therapy, ever. I don't know if it's worth telling her about this fantasy. An hour is too short for everything I want to say, and work on. That's so it always is. My T won't go back to 90 minute sessions either, or see me more often. I just have to work hard to get through what I want to. The issues I have left to work on aside from the attachment have become clearer. That's something positive. But I'm noticing that not emailing is making me post a lot this week.

[Gavinandnikki]

It was love 💕💕 and there is nothing wrong with loving your therapist.
Even though I am no longer in therapy, we text occasionally. My sister and both parents died in the last 7 months, I texted her to let her know. She offered her love and support and asked if I needed a session. I thanked her, but, thanks to my therapy, I was able to handle it.

I will always love her and am not ashamed to admit it.

[LonesomeTonight]

I certainly hope there's nothing wrong with loving your therapist, since I told both my T and marriage counselor last week that I loved them (I'd told them once a year ago, too, but not since). T's response surprised me--we were talking about how unique the T-client relationship is, and she said how it was different because it's not reciprocal, adding "Not that I don't love you too." Which was very different from her "That's sweet" response last year (which kind of upset me). We've definitely become much closer and connected over the past year though (our 4th year together), so it kind of makes sense.

With MC, it's much more complicated, since there's some paternal (and sometimes erotic) transference there. When I told him last year, was on the phone, and I phrased it as, "So if I love you, is that OK?" and he reassured me that it was. This time, did it over e-mail, much more straightforwardly, and his response seemed kind of impersonal, but a phonecall the next day helped a bit. Of course I hope for reciprocation (platonically), but I can't bring myself to ask him for that.

Sorry for a slight thread hijack...might need to start my own thread on here.