[Depletion]

ok so i won't actually be quitting therapy for friendship, but i do really wish for a friendship with my t. i don't really have the easiest time making friends--i'm introverted, and like very deep connections with others, but don't find a lot of people i want to connect with in that way (although there are a few). anyway she checks all the right boxes with me and we are very close in age. We seem to share a lot of common interests and perspectives, and i would happily embrace the challenge of supporting her and caring for her as a friend. but i can't really do any of that obviously. i need her to take care of me still. but the reason this is all so painful is because there is no one really in my life that i think i could really build the same kind of friendship with. so it hurts a lot to go there every week and realize that there is a tangible possibility in front of me that i can't have. it hurts so much that part of me wants to quit therapy just so i don't have to keep confronting it every week. in a weird way it is making me angry. any advice appreciated. also sorry about the all lowercase can only type with one hand right now.

[RedSun]

Depletion, I'm sorry that you're finding it hard to connect with people right now.
However, do you know that your T would want to be friends if you quit therapy? Most ethical T's do not become friends with clients, and, if they do, it's usually after a long gap after therapy ending. You may find that you have no therapist, but no friendship either.

Also, remember that the person you see in therapy is one dimension of that person, the professional side that they make available in session. Yes, I'm sure she does genuinely care for you, as a client, but there are many other sides of her which you may not see and which may surprise you.

This sounds like something you could work on in therapy though, if you were ale to bring it to your T. Maybe about being to make that connection with other people your age, or understanding the wish to idealise your T?

[Depletion]

Originally Posted by RedSun

Depletion, I'm sorry that you're finding it hard to connect with people right now.
However, do you know that your T would want to be friends if you quit therapy? Most ethical T's do not become friends with clients, and, if they do, it's usually after a long gap after therapy ending. You may find that you have no therapist, but no friendship either.

Also, remember that the person you see in therapy is one dimension of that person, the professional side that they make available in session. Yes, I'm sure she does genuinely care for you, as a client, but there are many other sides of her which you may not see and which may surprise you.

This sounds like something you could work on in therapy though, if you were ale to bring it to your T. Maybe about being to make that connection with other people your age, or understanding the wish to idealise your T?

I would wait for her if friendship were something she wanted...and no i don't know if she feels the same back. but i'm mostly of the mind that it won't happen. I have plans to go away to school, and i would end therapy at that tine. And I don't really think that i could have the friendship that I would want with her over such distance, so I don't think I'd try. But i love her a lot, and it's hard to go to therapy and know that that love will never really be expressed to her in all the ways that i would like it to be. We really do have a very complementary way of fitting together--which we have discussed and agreed upon before--and we just can't explore that fitting in all the ways i wish we could. it's just such a terrible loss to me, and i hate going and being confronted with the grief. it hurts so much that part of me wants to just run away altogether.

[Ellahmae]

I wouldn't as our sessions and the deep level of our relationship is deeper and more frequent than any friendship could be. I see her more than her own children or her friends.

[stopdog]

I would not. I don't really have any urge to be friends with the woman. I don't imagine we have much if any common ground upon which to base a friendship. I don't imagine her to be all that interesting in real life. I don't find that the woman and I are close or share a bond or anything like that. She serves a purpose, but she does not know me like my friends do. I doubt either of would like the other if we just met on the street.

No, I would not. The kind of closeness and relationship we have in therapy could not be duplicated even between us outside of the context of therapy. We aren't friends; we are therapist and client. That's an important relationship, but it is not a friendship. And honestly, even close friends aren't close in the same way that a therapist and client are; it is a different type of relationship. It's important to recognize that.

[awkwardlyyours]

Nope, never.

But, then again I have absolutely no desire to be friends with my T.

I think I understand where you're coming from, I used to want to be friends with my t too. It has taken me a long time to get to this point, but I have gotten to where I do treasure the relationship between t and i for exactly what it is - a unique kind of closeness/intimacy that can't exist outside the boundaries of it. There's been a kind of gradual 'letting go' of my desire for anything else just in the past month - I've been seeing her for going on 5 years now - I've gone through every imaginable 'stage' if you want to call them that, of loving her, wanting to be her friend, hating the boundaries of the relationship, hating the relationship itself, hating her, etc etc etc you name it I probably felt it! Talking through all of those feels with t has been helpful for me. Hugs if you want!

[MobiusPsyche]

I understand the desire and my t and I are compatible in many ways, close in age, etc. that would make friendship possible otherwise. I look at it this way: therapy is helping me be a better friend to people in my present and future, some of whom I haven't even met yet. You're going away to school; right there is a huge opportunity to meet friends that you would deny yourself if you are focused on "waiting" for time to pass to possibly become friends with ex-t.

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[junkDNA]

i don't think so. i'm so used to our roles as client/therapist i think it would be an awkward transition.

Yes I would, because my therapist and I pretty much have a paid friendship.

Yes.

I had saved this quote out of an online article, it's by a Dr. Stein (no first name was given) and it was helpful for me:

"clients experience the individual as ‘therapist’ – an aspect that comparatively few people will come to know. In that capacity, therapists may only give their clients a limited amount of their time, but in that time, they are focused exclusively and intently on their client, giving them their full and undivided attention. Much more than that, giving them their unconditional acceptance, and listening with empathy and without judgment. And even more than that – sitting with them in all their strong emotions, whatever they may be, holding those feelings and keeping the client safe."

Especially the parts about listening with empathy and without judgement and sitting with them in all their strong emotions etc. I never had that before t - and she has sat with me and accepted me and been a witness to some very strong emotions!

[stopdog]

I know those people often say that about themselves, and for all I know, some may actually believe it, although I doubt many really do despite the party line. I don't see it happening or experience them in that way.

My t does.

[itjustis]

Maybe you should bring it up with your T. I'm sorry you're having a hard time with this and hope you can work through it.
At the moment I would much prefer my T as my T as I need her in that way for now. But like yourself i feel like I connect with her on a level other than therapy and feel that we 'click'. I haven't brought this up yet, maybe I will.

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I know how you feel, Depletion.

My therapist is awesome. He loves the same things I do, we're about the same age, he's got a great sense of humor... I could go on

Normally I wouldn't want to be friends with my therapist, but we could have totally been friends. It's rare that I find someone so alike.

I can tell that he likes me a lot, and sometimes I get the hint that he'd probably want to be friends with me too. (I've never had a therapist who has actually expressed this desire non-verbally to me.) He just gets so excited when he sees me.

I'll watch him say good-bye to the patient before me. He usually is polite and says, "Have a nice day." But when *I* leave, he usually says, "Wow, we had a great session. It was fun talking about x, y, z! I look forward to seeing you next session!"

He definitely likes me more than other patients, and I'm not tooting my own horn here or fantasizing

[Depletion]

thanks for your responses everyone. maybe i should have called this tread something a little different. i'm pretty realistic about the situation, and i know that leaving therapy wont equal friendship. and i really don't want my t to do anything unethical, especially because i care about her so much. but i'm really at the point where i don't even want to go to therapy because i would rather just forget that the possibility of friendship even existed with her.

[BayBrony]

My T and I have both explicitly discussed that we would probably be great friends if we knew each other outside lg therapy ( on the other hand we run in very different circles so its unlikely we would ever have met if she wasn't my T). We share a similar view of the world, similar sense of humor, etc.

But I would never trade. The T relationship is deeper and more intimate than any friendship.I've ever had not counting my spouse relationship. In the context of a friendship the unconditional attention she gives me would not be possible.

[kecanoe]

So if I understand correctly, you know that you and t won't be friends, but going to therapy is very painful because you wish you were friends instead of client/therapist. And each session just hurts because you really want to have that kind of deep, mutual relationship.

I definitely get wanting to end t because my attachment hurts. For me to quit I would have to be really angry at t. Otherwise I would go crawling back.

I've heard that talking about these things with t helps. I haven't actually experienced it, but I did go through something along those lines when my ex- t announced he was retiring. I quit before he retired because each session was so painful and retraumatizing. We talked and talked about it, and I discussed endlessly with my other ts. I think it was good that I quit when I did, but it was hard

I did get over it, but it took a while.

[peaches100]

No, I wouldn't. I've been in therapy with her for so many years, I don't think I could make the adjustment to being friends with her. I don't think I would even want to. The kind of relationship we have is the type of relationship I need most with her. I can find friends in other places.

Having said that, though, I totally dread the day therapy ends. I feel that I will need a therapy relationship my whole life, as it serves a deep-seated need that can't be filled any other way. But when we do end, I hope I can still stay in occasional contact. I need her to always be what she is for me now, even when I don't see her for therapy regularly anymore.

[Depletion]

Originally Posted by kecanoe

So if I understand correctly, you know that you and t won't be friends, but going to therapy is very painful because you wish you were friends instead of client/therapist. And each session just hurts because you really want to have that kind of deep, mutual relationship.

I definitely get wanting to end t because my attachment hurts. For me to quit I would have to be really angry at t. Otherwise I would go crawling back.

I've heard that talking about these things with t helps. I haven't actually experienced it, but I did go through something along those lines when my ex- t announced he was retiring. I quit before he retired because each session was so painful and retraumatizing. We talked and talked about it, and I discussed endlessly with my other ts. I think it was good that I quit when I did, but it was hard

I did get over it, but it took a while.

YES,This!

When I read your post I felt that I understood my own feeling about my T just a bit more. I don't feel that I want to be friends with her, but I feel that I want something more and it is a bit painful. Like I wanted more from my my mom. I think I might be able to sit and tell my T about that pain and that sitting and feeling it with her might help.

[Mike_J]

I'm also very introverted and making friends has always been difficult for me. One thing you could try is to look for peer support groups in your area. Both DBSA and NAMI are nation wide organizations that have peer support groups. I started going just for support but ended up making several friends. Just a thought having another source of support and avenue for making friends might make going to therapy less painful.

[Cinnamon_Stick]

I would rather have my T as a therapist then a friend. The therapy relationship is so much better than a friendship. Its more intimate and they have there whole focus on you and you can say what you want without fear or getting judged. They just listen and offer insights. Now that I have ended with my T we are still in contact but not quite friends. I still don't want to be her friend. We still have the relationship we have, just not the therapy part.