would you quit therapy for friendship

I tend to think that good therapy, especially when it involves attachment or touches upon issues of attachment, goes through periods of pain. I think the relationship frustration pain comes with the rising of deep needs into awareness. I don't think the solution is found by changing the external circumstances, but rather by pursuing what will internally meet the unmet needs. While some needs could be met by becoming an actual friend of the T, I don't think they are the core needs that fuel the desire. So those needs would just crop up again in the relationship or elsewhere in life. Exploring the desire and the feelings it creates allows a skilled T to navigate that transition time and support you through it. The successful result is that the deeper needs are met, and while you no longer need the T to be there, you can be comforted by the internalization of the T, however you wish to be.

I never thought about being friends with my T because that wasn't my transference. But I very much wished he were my Father. It was through our exploring those feelings, and his skill in supporting them without unduly inflaming them, that the need driving the wish could be satisfied. Then the internalization was positive, not painful, and allowed me to keep a relationship, not skewed by transference, with my T after therapy.

Thank you for this!

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we talked about it today. she indicated that she reciprocates my feelings of friendship. and she says that she doesn't think most of it is transference...although some of it is a little. but overall it seem to be more of a case of our natural real world relationship poking through after a lot of feelings of dependency. overall i could tell she really understood, which helped a lot. i don't really know what to do about it right now, but knowing that she understood it made it ok some how.

Thank you for posting this!!

Attachment was just brought up a few weeks ago by me. Not really understanding just yet what that involves, but I do know there is a safety there that I've never known in my life.

I really don't think that friendship even borders on my relationship with my counselor at this point. I have no idea what I would call that except safety.

I have a friend that thinks she knows everything about me and wants to encourage me and help me in what I'm walking through. She has no clue. Just saying.

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Dr Gerald Stein?

He has an interesting blog - https://drgeraldstein.wordpress.com/

Wow. I find him to be a condescending asshole.

Interesting question.
As much as I've fantasized different connections with T. I think is have to answer, no.
In not really into friendship. I have enough from my family. I'd also really be wanting what I get from her as a T to continue, but in a more constant basis. Or drop everything basis for me. I think that's what would be behind that for me
Plus, as much as she & I connect in the theraputic space, I don't think that would be the same outside. After all some friends we chose to work out our hatred, others our loves. It would get messy and ruined.

I like hearing how they think

I agree it is important to know how they think - just that I find they think like condescending assholes.

That's interesting, I took it in a completely different way, to me it felt like a sincere attempt to clarify why (some of us, me included) feel the way we do about our t's. I found it helpful.

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To the OP: I'm sorry you're struggling with this. I don't have any advice (which you had asked for). My therapist is so different from me that I have a hard time imagining something along the lines of what you're wanting. Would you be able to talk to her about it?

Nope, with exception of one of my friends, I don't feel they are intensely invested in me. And with my therapist and myself being busy medical practitioners with young children, we probably wouldn't even have time to see each other.

Of course, our therapeutic relationship is ending in one month anyway as she is leaving the office and her new one doesn't take my insurance. I would be intrested in staying in contact but don't want to deal with a "no" so I don't think I'll ask.

It's part of your therapists job to connect with you. The way you see her is most likely not how she is in real life.

I agree with this and have wondered if I would even recognize my therapist with a different client--probably is all about marriage and kids and social things. I think there's no way to know what their real life self is like.

Just to give you an idea, I asked my therapist last session if she remembers her patients names when she sees them in public. She basically said sometimes she does. So you might find yourself thinking about them where when you leave they are on to their next client.

I remember one time my therapist forgot my appt. I called from the waiting room and she had me come in. She had not reviewed my notes so she was not as familiar with me as she normally was. It was weird. I was like do you need a moment to read my notes. There were times I wanted to be friends with her too but over the past two years she has proven herself to be far different person then I initially perceived. Take a look at all the posts on here and you can see the therapy relationship is a facade. Everyone always wants to believe they are the exception.

that's all probably true, but for the people reading this thread, who seem not to have noticed that i brought this issue up with my therapist (see post two pages back) I talked to her about it yesterday, and she says that what i feel about her IS NOT TRANSFERENCE! there is a real friendship connection for both of us, and it is painful for both of us not to be able to act on it. but we both agree that the therapy relationship is as it is, and there is no going back now.