[ohno22]

I have a special friend who helps many people to heal. He is not a therapist but he has a lot of knowledge and skills and he uses it with many people for free. He is at the same time their friend.

What do you think about it? At first I thought this is great because he spends his life helping people wanting nothing in return but happiness. But then when boundaries became unclear I've felt violated.

We do not have a friendship yet actually. I know a lot about him. He had extremely difficult psychiatric issues and he healed all by himself. Mostly we talk about me and my deep personal issues. It looks like I'm in therapy with him. I've been in real therapy so I know. Transference and countertransference happened. We hugged and hold hands.

We're but married and I don't have feelings for him but I feel he has some for me. I lost trust in him and told him I feel this is too much too soon and unhealthy. Like a true friend he is patient and respectful about my decision and he loves me and supports me unconditionally.

Still I feel this is not right. How should I continue in this?

[AncientMelody]

I suppose I don't know what types of skills he has enough to really make a comment about his practices in general. I am not hearing about any red flags in that alone to cause a concern.

however it doesn't sound like it's the healthiest situation for you for whatever reason. Trust your gut.he might be able to help a lot of people but that doesn't mean it's the most helpful situation for you.

[Schizoid_1]

My therapist encourages me to have interactions and refers it to me as stress debriefing. She probably encourages me because I do not interact with people. I do not have any advice on how you should proceed

[Pennster]

Is this situation making you happy? It sounds like you are worried about it. If you feel like you need therapy, do you think you might be able to find a therapist who could help you instead of this person who seems to have some issues that disturb you a little bit?

I would be careful. I've run into people like this over the years; people who seem rather charismatic and appear to collect sad and needy cases and try to "fix" them. They seem to get something out of it -- often power over the people they are attesting to help. In some of those cases, it became clear that the person was really not stable at all (in fact, downright delusional in one case I remember from college) and the situations were really rather dangerous emotionally. Personally, I'd steer clear. This isn't friendship and it isn't therapy. Whether you realize it or not, you are probably being used.

[precaryous]

What sort of boundary issues became unclear, if you don't mind sharing?

I would be reluctant to see an unlicensed T. Without a license, he is not sworn to uphold any sort of ethics code, is he? If boundaries are violated there would be no licensing board to complain to. If he caused you grievous harm, he likely would not carry malpractice insurance.

I agree with lolgrace that this isn't friendship or therapy and this person just might not have your best interest at heart.

[ruh roh]

Yeah. No. This sounds troubling. If you want to be friends, I would stop with the quasi-counseling and have a defined friendship with limits on the disclosures and confidences.

[Gettingitsoon]

I'd be cautious.
I have also seen a person in my life who, with good intentions I believe, goes through her life trying to "fix" every troubled or be needy person she encounters.
She has some knowledge, but no training, no license. I fear she could unintentionally do great harm.
Not saying that is what is happening with you. I'd just be careful.

[nottrustin]

So he is not a therapist and doesn't pretend to be, he doesn't charge anything??? I say he is just a friend who tries to be a good listener and offer advice. I am not sure what boundary issues you think there are.

[Ididitmyway]

I would seriously question his motives for doing what he is doing. I don't believe in combining friendship and therapy. Being personally involved with someone should automatically disqualify that person from pursuing the role of a healer in the relationship whether he charges for his "services" or not. In friendship it's ok to fulfill our emotional needs and this fulfillment is mutual. In therapy, or any other healing service, a practitioner shouldn't try to fulfill their emotional needs in relationships with clients. Clients could get something from a therapist on the emotional level but not the other way around. There is no mutual fulfillment of needs in therapy like there is in friendship. Therefore, the role of a therapist and the role of a friend are mutually exclusive IMO.

So, if your "friend/therapist" is so "selfless" and appears to be only a giving party in relationships with others what is he really getting out of it? I do believe in altruism, but altruism also gives deep satisfaction because it satisfies our higher spiritual needs, not emotional/relational needs. From what I've seen, people with purely altruistic intentions don't pursue personal relationships with those they are helping and don't attempt to fulfill their emotional needs in those relationships. Their higher spiritual needs such as feeling that their life has a purpose and that they are contributing into making this world a better place are more important to them than to find somebody who'd satisfy their emotional cravings. When those people help others they don't become friends with them not because some ethical code tells them not to do that but because they don't have the need to do that.

When someone puts himself in the healer's role in a personal relationship it creates a power imbalance and a potential for abuse especially because that person doesn't have to abide by any code of ethics. And if he attempts go get closer to you and more intimate, that makes you even more vulnerable so I completely understand why you don't trust him. Someone like him would freak me out to be honest. It looks like you know pretty well that he is not to be trusted. So what's stopping you from distancing yourself from him? This is clearly someone who doesn't have any insight into his own motives and behavior and is incapable of acting in his own and other people's best interests. But that's not the most important thing. The most important thing is for you to understand what it is in you that doesn't want to stop the existing dynamic.