[Cleo6]

Hi I'm not sure how to describe this but in therapy my t a few times after talking for a bit has asked me to tell her about anything in my life, how I'm feeling etc. I still haven't told her about the csa or sa from my ex but I really want to start on the csa stuff then maybe move onto my ex. Everytime she's said to tell her anything then I start panicking inside, fidget more and there's this strange feeling inside my chest that feeling like in shrinking or falling it's really hard to explain so then I change the subject as scared of when happened the first time where I zoned out and everything went black and I could hear my voice shouting inside my head. The only reason I came out of it was because t asked me what I am thinking which made me jump and then I deflected and started up a random conversation. She let me for a few minutes then she turned the conversation and I can't remember anything of it apart from saying I'm ok though and she said I know you are ok. Has anyone got any advice on how to disclose. I really need to as I'm feeling worse and worse after every time I see her as then I know I have to wait 2 weeks before I can try again. She won't allow emails or texts and I have to say everything so I can't write and give it to her. I need to find a way to drop it into the conversation

[RedSun]

Cleo, I think I understand a little of your experience. I also often zone out when the conversation gets onto difficult stuff (csa) and I feel like I'm sort of floating, and that my legs are a long way away. I can't move and I can't speak, and I hate it.

I know you said you have to say everything, is that a rule your T made? The way for me to get things out has been to write them down, sometimes through email, sometimes I've written it out and brought it to session, sometimes written it (very badly) in session and T reads it.

The last way is helpful for me, I wonder if you can say to your T that you struggle to say some things because you feel that you zone out and it's scary, and could you write it out for her? For me, if T knows and can ask about what I've written, it's much less overwhelming than trying to find the words myself.
Good luck.

[Cleo6]

Thank you for your reply. She said she likes clients to verbalise everything as it helps you more and if you are unable to verbalise it she says you are not ready yet to talk about it and at some point you will find the words when you feel ready to

[Waterbear]

I kind of agree with the above for certain things. I email a bit for processing and other things but I know when I cannot say something then I have to wait or persevere because I really want to be able to say these things, not hide behind a piece of paper like I am prone to. Building tryst in the relationship has to be the first thing you work on so that you can become more open to talking, for me, anyway.