[Soccer mom]

My mom died two years ago and my ex-T. was great. We texted back and forth and then she called me from a picnic to check on me. Last September she terminated me due to my "transference" after I got upset that my co-worker was seeing her. I now know that she had no idea how to help me, was making me worse and using the word "transference" to gaslight me.

This morning I recognized it's the anniversary of my mom's death but I was more focused on how my ex-T. used to be with me - supportive and encouraging me to text if I need it. I guess missing her in general. In two situations during my time with her I was extremely upset and couldn't go back to work. I texted her and she never responded and it hurt. I felt like I didn't have the support I needed. Overall, I never called her and rarely texted.

My co-worker who sees her was late this morning and never called in. Another co-worker texted her and she wrote back that she's sitting in her car talking to "Name of ex-T". My heart sank when they told me. I feel like she's getting more support than I did. It's so hard to see someone else get from ex-T. what I could not. She sees her due to her rebellious teenager so I guess something happened this morning.

I hate that I'm having a difficult time getting over her. My current T. said I had a traumatic bond with her so it will take longer. It doesn't help that I hear about her and know when my co-worker goes to ex-T.

I'm struggling with what to tell myself about her being treated "better" so that I don't blame myself for everything that happened. I've had 3 therapists tell me I have every right to file a complaint but I'm not that type of person.

Just reaching out for support.

I'm so sorry soccer mom.

[atisketatasket]

Can you call your current therapist for some support? I mean, it's not just the co-worker and whatever's going on with her today, but anniversaries like that, especially only a few years on, can really knock one for a loop.

It unfortunately also sounds like your ex-therapist might be repeating her pattern with you with your co-worker now.

[Soccer mom]

Originally Posted by atisketatasket

Can you call your current therapist for some support? I mean, it's not just the co-worker and whatever's going on with her today, but anniversaries like that, especially only a few years on, can really knock one for a loop.

It unfortunately also sounds like your ex-therapist might be repeating her pattern with you with your co-worker now.

I did reach out to my current therapist and I see her tomorrow.

My current T. actually mentioned the pattern and expects ex-T. to be pushing co-worker away in a few months when it's been a year. I also wonder sometimes if ex-T. gives more support thinking I may hear about it. It's sad that thought has come to my mind.

[atisketatasket]

Originally Posted by Soccer mom

I also wonder sometimes if ex-T. gives more support thinking I may hear about it. It's sad that thought has come to my mind.

Same thought occurred to me, actually. It sounds like the sort of thing she might do.

How do you feel about being advised of this transference thing? Are you able to look back in hindsite and recognize times this might have occured? Even if this hasn't ocurred the point is that your therapist is uncomfortable. That is not for us patients to argue. How they feel is entirely up to them. Realize please they are not perfect and will have their own anxieties and triggers. It may have been entirely incocuous to you or I, but at the end of the day we must respect their own feelings and needs - even if it tears us apart.

[Soccer mom]

Originally Posted by justafriend306

How do you feel about being advised of this transference thing? Are you able to look back in hindsite and recognize times this might have occured? Even if this hasn't ocurred the point is that your therapist is uncomfortable. That is not for us patients to argue. How they feel is entirely up to them. Realize please they are not perfect and will have their own anxieties and triggers. It may have been entirely incocuous to you or I, but at the end of the day we must respect their own feelings and needs - even if it tears us apart.

I am the one who mentioned transference to her. She told me from the beginning she could handle anything I told her. Halfway through I would say something (you seem frustrated) and she would say "that's the transference talking".

This was my ex-T. and, yes, I'm very well aware that she had feelings. I questioned her willingness and ability to handle my feelings towards her and she said without a doubt that she can handle them all. The problem is she didn't know how to handle them and was more interested in giving the impression she never makes mistakes and knew more than me. I now know that she did a poor job with me and was unethical in her responses to me. But, my post is about how to handle a co-worker still seeing her - not my therapist's feelings a year ago.

Originally Posted by justafriend306

How do you feel about being advised of this transference thing? Are you able to look back in hindsite and recognize times this might have occured? Even if this hasn't ocurred the point is that your therapist is uncomfortable. That is not for us patients to argue. How they feel is entirely up to them. Realize please they are not perfect and will have their own anxieties and triggers. It may have been entirely incocuous to you or I, but at the end of the day we must respect their own feelings and needs - even if it tears us apart.

Nobody's saying the T is wrong to have her own feelings, it's her actions that were wrong. She abandoned SM and that is unethical. She is entitled to her feelings but must always act in the best interests of the client.

I read transference and jumped to a conclusion. I admit it is a trigger for me and I shouldn't have jumped to conclusions.

You are right about your feelings regarding the patient care that you co-worker is getting. It must be very hurtful and hard for you.

[peaches100]

Soccer Mom,

Oh, I'm so sorry you had to hear about your coworker talking to your t outside session hours! I understand completely how awful that would feel. In reality, it may not be true that she is getting more support than you did. This could be a rare occasion when she has done that for your coworker. But even so, it's hurtful. I know it would really hurt my heart! I think it would be very, very hard to work with someone who was seeing a t that I used to see and had a bad ending with.

Could you ask your coworkers to avoid mentioning Ex-T to you? You don't have to say why. You could just tell them it makes you uncomfortable, or say you would just prefer that they not mention her.

I'm so sorry Soccer Mom! This sounds really, really painful.

IMO you were absolutely right making a fuss when your therapist took on your co-worker... because of THIS. It's messy, complicated and triangulated... all inclusive of a 'sibling rivalry' between you and your co-worker. I can tell you, I wouldn't want my therapist seeing anybody that I know, mainly because it interferes with the compartmentalization and containment I need from therapy. Your ex-therapist didn't get it, and probably never will.

Not sure what more I can offer, aside from the fact that you should feel proud of yourself for exiting this toxic situation. I think if you were still seeing her, it would feel much worse. I'm so happy that you have a new, caring, respectful therapist that 'gets it'.

[Soccer mom]

Originally Posted by peaches100

Soccer Mom,

Oh, I'm so sorry you had to hear about your coworker talking to your t outside session hours! I understand completely how awful that would feel. In reality, it may not be true that she is getting more support than you did. This could be a rare occasion when she has done that for your coworker. But even so, it's hurtful. I know it would really hurt my heart! I think it would be very, very hard to work with someone who was seeing a t that I used to see and had a bad ending with.

Could you ask your coworkers to avoid mentioning Ex-T to you? You don't have to say why. You could just tell them it makes you uncomfortable, or say you would just prefer that they not mention her.

I know that ex-T. and this coworker have talked on the phone multiple times. The only time I ever called my ex-T. was the day my mom died and it was at her suggestion.

I've thought about asking but I don't think it will help in the long run. yes, they would avoid mentioning her but it would foster secrecy that I think would hurt our relationships eventually. I keep thinking if I can hear it and be indoctrinated by fire, I will get past it. My co workers (except THE coworker) are very well aware of my feelings and the touchy situation.

[Soccer mom]

Originally Posted by FallingFreely

I'm so sorry Soccer Mom! This sounds really, really painful.

IMO you were absolutely right making a fuss when your therapist took on your co-worker... because of THIS. It's messy, complicated and triangulated... all inclusive of a 'sibling rivalry' between you and your co-worker. I can tell you, I wouldn't want my therapist seeing anybody that I know, mainly because it interferes with the compartmentalization and containment I need from therapy. Your ex-therapist didn't get it, and probably never will.

Not sure what more I can offer, aside from the fact that you should feel proud of yourself for exiting this toxic situation. I think if you were still seeing her, it would feel much worse. I'm so happy that you have a new, caring, respectful therapist that 'gets it'.

I actually didn't think I had the right until I talked to a few other therapists. The viewpoints were from making the effort to help me understand my feelings and be okay "sharing" to my current T. who already said (without me asking) that she will not see anyone else from my office. My ex-T. handled it horribly and made it all about her and my co-worker instead of considering our 7 year relationship. And, you're right, it was like sibling rivalry. It doesn't help that this co-worker is just like my sister! So, there's some transference issues between us as well.

No, she didn't get it and never will. That's why I am better off without her. I KNOW that but getting my heart on board has been a bit of a struggle.

[Soccer mom]

To show the difference between ex-T. and current T., here is an email my current T. wrote me after I shared my difficult morning:
"Borrow my strength, if you don't feel strong.
Borrow my vision, if you feel you cannot see.
Borrow the knowing I have that the best of your life is ahead of you.
It will be better than just ok, I promise you that.
Just keep keeping on. You will get there, sooner than you know.
Have a good evening, and get some rest. See you tomorrow."

This was after she said that she's here for me today if I need her. I don't think my mom ever said anything like that. THIS is what I need and what ex-T. couldn't give me.

Originally Posted by Soccer mom

I did reach out to my current therapist and I see her tomorrow.

My current T. actually mentioned the pattern and expects ex-T. to be pushing co-worker away in a few months when it's been a year. I also wonder sometimes if ex-T. gives more support thinking I may hear about it. It's sad that thought has come to my mind.

I'd put bets on the guess that your co-worker is ramping up for a big let down.

Also, it's fact that your ex therapist is aware that you are hearing about her interactions with your co-worker. I also expect that your ex therapist hears about you from your co-worker too. I hope that when it happens ex-t misses you, but more than that, I hope she's reminded about how she mishandled your treatment. And maybe she's thinking now that taking on your co-worker wasn't the best idea... Or maybe she's trying to be a better therapist to your co-worker to prove she's not a crappy therapist to herself, the co-worker, you... Just speculation.

It's also possible that your co-worker is just one of many clients for your ex therapist and ex-t doesn't give anyone, including your co-worker more than a passing thought when she's not there for their sessions and random calls.

It could be your T trying to stay connected to YOU by still seeing your co-worker. Every time he sees her he will be thinking of YOU. It's disgraceful that the two of them would continue in therapy when they know what it's doing to you. Sounds like they are both miserable people. Sorry for you to have the pain drag on and continue because they are selfish narcissists.