I wonder if my t is more attached to me than I am of her

This had always been a wonder of mine. Lately t has really been relying on me. She asked me to do a favour a few weeks ago and today she is going away for a while so she scheduled an appointment on Sunday so I wouldn't feel abandoned. I was more upset that she hadn't told me she was going away than I was about missing her. I think she is becoming too attached to me

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Its doubtful. Idk if you mind sharing it or not but what was the favor?

My t will stay later or come in early to accommodate appointments for me. Only because he knows consistency is good for me. I don't think he is attached.. I think t maybe realizes your need for an good t and she is trying to make an effort?

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Possibly you're right. There seem to be aspects of dual relationship here. Do I remember you mentioning your T seeking supervision? Deep down we always know , I know I have to terminate a relationship that's become toxic I'm looking for the strength to do it. And I will be sad. But I looked in the mirror and told myself I deserved better

I don't feel comfortable disclosing all of the details but it involved me bringing her somewhere outside of session.


I love that last line, it's hard to acknowledge and even harder to believe that. I am glad you are beginning to believe in yourself
My t is a supervisor and she has supervision, there are various roles that could be called dual relationships between us and the lines are blurry. My t crossed a line when she asked that favour and perhaps she realised that and is trying to make up for it now!


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Monalisa am I right in thinking you are training to be a T? If so, can I be blunt and honest with you? Please feel free to say no, I wouldn't mind if you wanted support rather than bluntness if that makes sense.

I am not even sure what I want to be honest. Often I need a safe space to put something out there. You are right in thinking that I am training, well fully trained now. I have a feeling I know what you are going to say waterbear, there is something not right about our relationship, I have none this for a long time but have been in denial. Perhaps I am wrong and either way I always appreciate honesty. I might not like it but it's up to me what I do with that, so feel free to be blunt/ honest

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

I just wanted to say that as a trained T what would you do if one of your clients came in with a situation like yours? What would you be urging them in your mind to do having heard the full story and the effect that it had on them? I would hope that you would be urging them in your mind to leave this T because does not appear to be good for you.

As a client I would hope that as a trained T you had the mental strength to do what is right for you. To take care of yourself. How can you 'take care' of others when you can't 'take care' of yourself?

I am sorry if that does sound harsh but I just think you owe it to yourself as well as your future clients to listen to your heart on this one. You seem like a lovely person and intelligent too, don't let her do this to you anymore.

Thank you for your honesty Waterbear, it is always appreciated. I hear your concerns but I can take care of myself! It is not a ts job to Take care of their clients, it is not their job to judge or encourage them to change their situation. As a therapist, together with the clients collaboration we discuss what is best for them at that time, we talk about the pros and cons of leaving/ staying in that situation and the affects of that on their mental health. If I were to encourage someone to do what I felt was right for them it would be my agenda and I would probably be pushing them beyond their limits which would have terrible consequences.
I would support the client with what they feel is best for them because I don't know what is best for anyone else and thinking I did would cause a lot of harm.
My heart tells me to stay because I am attached and our relationship has it's ups and downs like all relationships but t has been consistent and stayed with me. I try to push her away all of the time but now we look at what triggered that and I have more awareness around my self process. I think me and t have a traumatic bond which is very hard to break but there is support in our relationship to work through almost anything.
Can I ask you a question?
Why do you think I can't look after myself? I guess I am a little baffled by this?

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

I am sorry if I wasn't clear. When I said "what would you be urging them in your mind to do" I didn't for one second mean that you would encourage then to do anything but surely in your mind if you could see that they were struggling in the relationship as I see you struggle in yours ('a traumatic bond' doesn't sound good after all) then somewhere in your mind you would be thinking please, consider leaving this hurtful relationship. I hope that makes more sense??

You certainly can ask but I am not sure my answer will satisfy me, let alone you. I think you are caused pain by this relationship that outweighs the pleasure, again, please forgive me if I am wrong. In life, if we are caused more pain from something than we receive pleasure would it not be in our best interest (and therefore taking care of ourselves) to rectify this one way or another. From the little I know of your situation you have tried talking to her, acting it out for her and yet this hasn't worked and you still go back.

I guess maybe what I am missing here is the pleasure part of your relationship. Maybe I skim over your positive posts and maybe you don't post so much about the good as the bad, I guess that would only be natural. If that is the case and you do receive more pleasure than pain from it then, to me at least, you are taking care of yourself.

I know that Ts are not there to 'take care' of clients but they are supposed to have their best interests at heart which is what I think I am getting at.

Does that explain a little more? It is convoluted and I am sorry if I haven't been clear or helpful.

I wish my T was attached to me (I've no idea whether she is in any way).

Yes, that makes more sense to me now, you explained it beautifully. Thank you
I guess I don't post as much about the positives, there are positives and also negatives as in every relationship. T does have my best interests at heart which I feel sometimes get enmeshed with her own interests. It was a big part of her training to share her own process when appropriate with clients and to authentic and congruent and sometimes that gets mixed up for me in that I take it personally or get defensive.
I do feel t causes me some pain but it isn't intentionally and we work on that together. I really appreciate your insightful and thoughtful posts and was just curious to wonder if we were understanding each other, I did feel a little defensive but I realise it was certainly not your intention to judge or blame. I feel my therapy is finally moving through the impasse stage and we are getting somewhere at last. I don't post about a lot of our good sessions like yesterday because I am afraid of confidentiality and I want to protect both mine and my ts identities but there is a very strong bond between us, maybe traumatic is too strong and negative but there is a bond. Thank you waterbear x

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Perhaps she is but doesn't let it interfere in your work together, I wonder could you explore this possibility with her?

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

As you probably know, I agree with Waterbear on this. As a trained therapist you have a duty of self-care. I don't believe you are exercising proper self-care by staying in a relationship that causes you so much pain and affects you so negatively. But I think you know this already. I think you are enmeshed in this unhealthy relationship and to be honest, as Waterbear was saying, I don't think I would want to see a therapist who wouldn't recognise the unhealthy nature of this relationship and remove themselves from it.
I'm not saying you aren't a good practicioner because I'm sure you are wonderfully empathic and insightful (you always are on here) but you are hurting yourself by staying in this relationship and there's no way that can not impact on your clients in some way.
It really breaks my heart to see you continuing in this relationship. I think on some level you already know how damaging it is, but I suspect you will only gain a 20/20 perspective on this when she is out of your life.

That's an intriguing suggestion, maybe at some point in the future when I have covered all the basic stuff with her. Could you explore the issue with your T?