How to slowly detach and quit

I've been in therapy for almost 2 years and while I feel I have learned a lot, I am realizing that the slow gains I make in therapy is not worth the pain.

I had become attached to my therapist and even deluded myself into thinking we had some sort of connection. Lately, though, I am beginning to realize that it's most likely not mutual and that T goes through the same process with his other patients (or even has a favorite). This slap of reality is very painful and I literally feel my heart ripping to pieces - I can't afford to deal with these intense emotions - I am in school and work and it's very distracting.

In between sessions, a day or two later, I find myself slowly detaching but when I see my T again, the attachment feelings reemerge.

I just need to find the strength to cancel my next session and then just quit.

Help!

You can spread out sessions in time, say make a two or three weeks intervals between meetings. During that time try to find other therapeutic things for coping like yoga, meditation, nature walks, music, reading or whatever else you like to do that worked for you in the past. The more healthy coping strategies you develop, the easier it'll be to quit eventually, hopefully rather sooner than later.

I came to the same conclusion about a year and a half ago. I too was severely attached. I just kept reminding myself that she had 60 others and when I left she was on to her next patient. Whenever she did something that did not match my illusion I would write it down. It was painful snd it took months to detach but I did it! I sometimes miss the attachment I had. I use to count down the hrs to the next therapy session. Last week I did not even want to get out of bed to go.

I was two and three weeks apart for mine and it did nothing for the attachment.

That's why I want to quit cold turkey.

Idk if that would be enough. I saw reports online where people were still attached years after. I was looking into it when I had severe attachment issues. Online articles suggested that you need to work through it with the therapist. I did not find it to be the case. She probably knew but I did not tell her. Everyone has their own way of getting through it. I thiught leaving cold turkey would be difficult as I was going through a bad depression. I really needed therapy attached or not. Another key for getting over the attachment is I started feeling better. With my med adjustments my depression lifted so I don't feel so consumed by it. Are you going through an episode right now?

Well I am not on any meds and I don't suffer from severe depression. I just have some goals that I am working on in therapy. I think if I quit I'll be heart broken for a few weeks but I think I'll get over it.

Is it possible to tasks a couple of months off to see if that works?

That's an option but once I quit, I am done. The faster that I can get this guy out of my mind, the better off I'll be.

It doesn't always work but for some people it does. In any case, this is not something for which there is a recipe. There is none. As you've said, everyone finds their own way to get through this.

If you have closure it might help to ease the attachment. I would suggest a final session so you can say whatever you need to so nothing is left unsaid and you can have a healthy goodbye and closure and then move on. Just my opinion. You know whats best. I know how painful and agonizing attachment to a therapist is. I hope you find peace and relief from it.

Thank you.

I am dying inside but it wil be that much harder if I see him again, I'll have to restart the mourning process

I know that feeling of dying inside all to well. I really feel for you. You should do what is best for you. It will get better with time.

In my experience, closure meetings don't really close anything and they make it harder to make a clean break.

I think, for a closure meeting to serve its role there has to be crystal clarity between two people about what's happening and why the situation cannot be resolved. It also has to be clear for both that it's nobody's fault, there are just some life forces at play that are outside of their control.

I don't think such clarity is possible in a therapy situation. If ColorSoft schedules the "closure" session, I suspect, the T would recommend to take time to "work it through" which will exacerbate the CS's suffering and intensify the attachment further. I highly doubt the T would be able to honestly acknowledge their role in creating the suffering or the role if the therapy setting itself that creates it or contributes into it. So CS will end up being invalidated and hurt even more.

I've had those situations in the past so I speak from experience. My "closure" sessions certainly didn't close anything for me. They made things worse.

I am going through hell at the moment with my attachment and termination is next week. I'd say spread out your appts if you can. I had the chance to do that but couldn't because I was too attached and I regret this. I think the only way to get over the attachment is to set an end date and work through the process. I think then, and only then can you start to heal and work through it.
I think going cold turkey and quitting could possibly cause more damage.
It all depends on the type of relationship you have with your T I guess.
How long have you been in therapy for? Have you talked about the attachment? I talked about mine in great detail and although it helps it's still hard to come to terms with.

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Maybe you are not deluded? You say you have doubts about whether you have a connection, or perhaps whether your relationship is meaningful? Do you know for sure how he feels about your therapeutic relationship?

Sometimes it's better to quit cold turkey. Dragging it out can be much more painful. Especially if we know it's a 'lost cause'.

Then those feelings will go where? They don't just disappear. It's better to face them and find out what ams who they're really about.

Have you talked about these intense feelings of attachment with your T? They could reflect something you're missing in your current life and/or that you didn't get in childhood. Working through them and figuring out what they're all about can be helpful, but you have to be willing to tell your T about the attachment. And it might be more painful for a bit while you work through it, because it might be dredging up old stuff from your past. But I think it can ultimately be worth it.

I speak from experience, as I've been through some of that with my marriage counselor. And, OK, I'm still rather attached, but I've also learned quite a bit, and it's more manageable now. It helps that he (and my T) are very open to talking about attachment/transference and are comfortable dealing with it.

I think these feelings need to be faced as well. If you're contemplating leaving, what do you have to lose?

I've had conversations with my current therapist as well as prior therapists about my feelings towards them. "Thank you" was the typical response, instead of full reciprocation - which some might see as rejection. On the other hand, I wasn't sure I wanted reciprocity - since with reciprocity comes expectation, and I don't want that burden.

Being 'one of many' doesn't bother me. No two people are the same, nor are two relationships the same. It wasn't until I had multiple children that I was able to grasp the concept of love not diminishing by sharing. My relationship with my therapist (or anybody else in my life) is unique and stand-alone.

I've also grown to appreciate the beauty of unrequited love. I'd ask why you need your therapist to feel a certain way towards you, in order to feel a certain way towards her. You'll most likely circle back to the fact that you don't.

Thanks all for your helpful feedback.

I have slept on it and I realize that I am being a brat about all of this (coupled with the fact that it's a certain time of the month☺️). fallingfreely, I like your analogy with regards to your love not diminishing when sharing your love between your children - I didn't think about it in that way.

I guess I just need to continue the process with my T and learn to tolerate and process these emotions (unrequited love, jealosy, insecurity) while learning to love myself(warts and all) and taking the steps to obtain the love that I seek from a more appropriate source.

One other thing I learned in the therapy process..

Jealousy towards other clients is RARELY about other clients.

For me, whenever I felt pangs of jealousy, it was always about something lacking in my own relationship with my therapist (which I thought she was giving/getting from others). Acknowledging and remedying my own problem diminished all concern I had towards others.

You're definitely not being a brat! These are big feelings that are difficult to manage.

I agree with you about loving yourself. I also agree with seeking out other sources if you aren't getting all of your needs met by your therapist. I think part of life is acknowledging your needs, realizing other people's limitations, and taking care of yourself by trying to get your needs met in other ways if things aren't working.

I think your use of the word 'appropriate source' is very interesting. In my mind, I don't think it's inappropriate at all to want love from your therapist, nor do I think it's inappropriate to love your therapist. I think love is a part of all really close relationships. Things get painful when clients want exclusive love, an outside relationship, or more time or attention than the therapist has to offer.

He didn't say it in relation to clients in therapy, but more to feelings of love in general. But MC has used the analogy that you can use a candle to light many other candles, but they all still burn just as brightly--lighting one doesn't diminish the light of another. (He said it a bit better than that.)

Here again. I still want to quit but a part of me is still attached. I am considering being a no-show for my next session and see what happens.