[PsychNitrous]

Sorry for such a long post, my thoughts are pretty scattered today, but i need to get this out. I feel like my therapy has all been a waste of time at this point. I don't even really know how to put everything in words, but I feel like I'm not even given a second thought there. At the same time, I wonder if I'm just being sensitive about everything.

T was alright for a while. I've been able to be comfortable enough with her to finally talk about having been assaulted. But after a couple of sessions of talking about what happened she got distracted by my guilt over the way the assault caused me to act later in my life. It's felt very disjointed, but I don't really know what im trying to do there, so maybe seeing things wrong.

I've had some serious issues with my pdic, which is frustrating me and making me question the clinic overall. I've yet to meet with him for more than 20 minutes at a time, even for our first session. He hasn't done much of anything in the 3 months I've been seeing him either. At my last appointment I told him that the antidepressant I was on wasn't doing anything for me. He tried adding another med, and I've posted quite a bit about how terribly that went. When I called my pdoc about the med though, I got a pretty clear message that he didn't care. He didn't say anything about meeting again sooner to find something else that might work.

Today I made a point of bringing this up with T, and told her that I wanted to see someone else. She encouraged me to reschedule my next appointment with a different pdoc. I stopped to do so on my way out, and apparently the clinic's policy is that pdocs have to approve the change. Of course no one has called me back about it yet, I don't have much hope that anything will happen for a while anyway.

I felt frustrated with T after our appointment too. I was honest with her about how terrible and depressed I've been feeling. She asked if I'd had any suicidal thoughts, and I admitted that I have. I told her that I've thought through some plans, but also have thought about why I can't go through with it because of my family and bf. And...that was it. This is the first time we've talked about suicide since my assessment almost a year ago. At the end of the session, she wanted to add another appointment for me, "since I've been doing so badly". This extra appointment is in 3 weeks. I don't see how that can help me with anything.

I just feel like this whole experience has been terrible. The only problem I have is that I just don't know if I can go somewhere else right now. I agree with T that working through my assault is important to fixing some of the problems I have now of feeling safe, but I took so long to be able to bring it up once, I don't know how I can start again. But maybe I need to, so I can get some kind of help.