[Semi-depressed]

My therapist has a tendency to normalize instead of validate. I have had to explain to her over and over the differences between how she feels when she drops a glass (as an example) and when I drop a glass (self judging, ect).

Anyone else have a T that does this? I want to be understood and commiserated with, not dismissed.

Sent from my Nexus 6 using Tapatalk

[stopdog]

Yes the woman has tried such a trick. I find it dismissive AND it completely misses the point of what I am talking about. I have never told her something because I was worried about being a special little snowflake. I have had to tell her to never do it again and I usually tell her not to talk at all. I also have told her it makes not one whit of difference to me what the entire rest of humanity has done, presently does, or how they will act or feel in the future. I have told her she is completely useless when she tries such a stupid technique at me. And I have asked what possible difference it is supposed to make to me and my point if others do it too.
The other thing of this nature they have tried is when I say I am thinking about X and they say X is okay. I am not asking their ****ing permission to do X. I just want to tell someone.
This attempted manipulation by those guys really pisses me off. I am not so much looking for validation or commiseration or agreement (although there is nothing really to agree or disagree with) - I would like some sign the woman understood the point of what I was telling her. Such is not her strong suit - so she does not get to talk anymore.

My therapist will validate, but he will not commiserate, which I consider to be a good thing. He will acknowledge that he hears how I am feeling, but he will not join me in my pity party if that is what I am having (and certainly there are times that is exactly what I am doing). He will acknowledge that he hears what I am saying and thinking, but he will not automatically agree with me when what I am doing (self-judging, self-denigrating for instance) is what I am doing. He is going to challenge my thinking if my thinking is serving me no purpose but self-flagellation.

On the other hand, there are times that simply do call for sympathy and validation without needing any kind of challenge, and he does that also. When my husband was ill, when my sister was dying, he had no reason to challenge my thinking or emotions in that kind of case, and he simply listened and sympathized and, yes, let me know that my fears and my grief were natural and normal. I guess in a way that is normalizing, but I needed to hear that what I was experiencing was normal because I was so used to depression and anxiety being so pathological for me, that it truly helped to be reminded that normal grief and anxiety exist in this world, EVEN for me.

How can anyone know exactly what anybody feels is any situation. I think it is invalidating to say the least.

YES. I was talking about the very same thing in another thread earlier today...

My therapist basically tries to "relate" to my feelings, then uses this "relation" to dismiss my feelings. He did this when I was severely depressed, and he did this when I told him about my ADHD problems.

When I came into his office in the midst of a bipolar depressive episode, he tried very hard to "relate" to my depression. He basically claimed he had "experience" with depression because he was allegedly "depressed" when his girlfriend broke up with him a few years ago, as he thought she was "the one". Well, he apparently got over it within a week... (which tells me he probably wasn't depressed). Then he had the audacity to use that example to tell me "depression has a trigger". What part of bipolar disorder don't you understand???

He also dismissed my ADHD problems, saying, "Well, I can't concentrate when I'm distracted. You have to remove distractions if you want to concentrate. For me, this was removing my TV from my room." uhhh... what? That's not ADHD!

I can't offer any advice, but I want to let you know you're not alone.

[retro_chic]

My T is really good at validating my feelings, it is one of the best things about her. I don't really get that from other people very much so I think that is why keep going to T despite feeling hopeless a lot of the time.

[ScrewedUpMe]

Yes! My T used to ALWAYS do this and has only recently stopped when I told her several times how unhelpful it is and how it made me feel so much worse. Her reasons for doing it were that she thought it would make me feel less weird or different as I always say I feel. She was doing it to try and make me feel better and to fix things for me. Only she didn't realise that it was doing the opposite and I just wasn't feeling understood. She now knows she does this and tells me to let her know if she is doing it. It's working much better now.

[ECHOES]

Originally Posted by Semi-depressed

My therapist has a tendency to normalize instead of validate. I have had to explain to her over and over the differences between how she feels when she drops a glass (as an example) and when I drop a glass (self judging, ect).

Anyone else have a T that does this? I want to be understood and commiserated with, not dismissed.

Sent from my Nexus 6 using Tapatalk

I don't like to hear that because it seems dismissive. However, my therapist has used it and still does. When we talked about it, she said that she wanted me to know that my feelings are not abnormal or unusual. I told her it feels dismissive and she understands my feelings about it, assured me that she was not at all meaning to sound dismissive, and said she would still be using the phrase because it is appropriate. So a few times after that discussion, I was not happy to hear it again. After a while, when she would say it, I started rolling my eyes and saying 'oh, HERE we go!...' and laughing. We both laugh. I also throw it in myself when I think she's going to, usually in an exaggerated way. What began as contention between us, is now part of the connection.

[divine1966]

Yes mine does that at times. Very annoying

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[doogie]

Yes. My former T did that. She had a specialty in trauma and had worked with traumatized women for years. It seemed like every time I would say how I felt about something, she would use an example from some other woman she had seen. I know she was just trying to normalize and help me not feel so alone in my experience and thoughts, but it came across to me as "Why are you so upset? Other people had this happen, too!" I finally talked to her about how it made me feel. She stopped doing it as much, but it still happened.

[Onward2wards]

I feel that normalization IS a kind of validation. It is better than hearing something like "It's really odd to feel that way, not many people would". To my mind, that would be humiliating and even terrifying ... to think that my reactions are somehow abnormal and therefore INVALID. It is to me reassuring to hear that the average person would react to a situation the way I reacted. I don't see how knowing that one's reactions are shared by other people invalidates how you feel at all. At least it makes me feel more understood and less alone.

The one way I could understand feeling invalidated by "everyone feels that way" is IF the therapist then followed up by stating he or she felt that this reaction, while shared by many, is somehow misguided or wrong.

[stopdog]

I don't see how it could matter whether the therapist thinks something is usual or not. I don't think they know whether something is right or wrong.
I suppose it could be validating if someone asked if it was usual or not - but in the absence of that - I still find it a patronizing, useless and invalidating statement that is evidence the therapist has no understanding of why I am saying something.

[Semi-depressed]

I love everyone's responses. A T saying "everyone feels that way" can be good in some situations, and in others not as much.

For me, when my T says that it actually provides another example that she does not really understand how I feel. How could she? She has never lived my life.

I do think I would be able to open up more to someone who really "got me" though.

Sent from my Nexus 6 using Tapatalk

[Semi-depressed]

I love everyone's responses. A T saying "everyone feels that way" can be good in some situations, and in others not as much.

For me, when my T says that it actually provides another example that she does not really understand how I feel. How could she? She has never lived my life.

I do think I would be able to open up more to someone who really "got me" though.

Sent from my Nexus 6 using Tapatalk

[ruh roh]

My problem is that it presumes the person is worried about whether their concern/issue is normal when maybe they just want to work through or talk about the concern/issue. For example, if I break my leg and want to complain about the pain or having to wear a cast, it doesn't help to be told that's a normal reaction to breaking a leg. What helps is for me to wail about it, or get some information on recovery or whatever. Unless someone says they don't feel normal, that kind of response just seems irrelevant.

[MobiusPsyche]

This actually came up in my session this week. T says it to reassure or remind me that I'm part of the human race, and most of the time that is how I hear it. Sometimes, though, I hear it as it was delivered in my childhood..."everyone feels that way" and they're not crying and broken up about it, they're still getting on with their lives, what the hell is wrong with you, why do you think you're so special and don't need to suck it up like the rest of us?

Gee, I got a bit carried away there. That is what comes to my mind, sometimes, so it was useful to process this with T.

Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

[Gettingitsoon]

My t uses a phrase sometimes that sits ok with me " why WOULDN'T you feel feel that way"

That hits me as she is hearing the pain or struggle or whatever I'm spilling out and IS validating it.

When I'm already depressed and or anxious, it IS hard to know if I'm seeing myself and my responses to life clearly. And sometimes I DO want to know.
Of course, sometimes, I just want to stay rolled up in my little fog!

[Waterbear]

Thats what my old T used to say, why wouldn't you feel that way, and, how else were you supposed to react. I don't know, she had a way with words with me that worked, and I miss her sometimes, but less now with time. I don't feel that new T gets me as easily but I suppose it is a good lesson in explaining myself to others, what is good and bad for me, what I like and don't like etc etc

[Favorite Jeans]

For me, there is a world of difference between a response like "given all your experiences with x it makes sense that you'd need to grieve/feel totally panicked/not know exactly how to handle this conflict/whatever" and "everyone feels sad when x happens."

It's subtle but huge.

The first type of response is about helping you make sense of your feelings and not judging yourself harshly for just being an imperfect person who doesn't have it all figured out. It says to the client "I am interested in you and I care about your experience. I don't think your feelings are evidence of something negative about you."

The second response, while likely coming from a desire to normalize your experience, comes across as bored and dismissive. "Duh, why don't you know that everyone feels this way? Also I don't actually need to hear or remember anything about you because you're just like everyone else. Maybe this is a new insight for you but it's so terribly common as to be a bit of a yawn for me."

[stopdog]

One of the reasons I find it such a stupid and dismissive thing for them to say to me, is that I never thouht I was all that super unique as to be the only one having a feeling. Plus, others having the same feeling does not make me feel less alone or more understood. I feel humiliated for having mentioned it and misunderstood when I get that response from the woman. I don't find the "it makes sense..." or the "why wouldn't you..." any better.

[ECHOES]

I have also (I posted previously) replied "I don't care if everyone feels this way", and once when it really bugged me, I told her that I feel unheard when she says that. "Everyone" can get their own darn session, this one is mine!