[Tongalee]

I had a really bad night and wrote this. How do I share it with my therapist?

Dear child,
I must start this letter with a simple apology, a declaration of my cowardice, a note of the deep and utter disgrace I hold for myself. To you I am eternally sorry for you shall not live apart from my thoughts, my hopes and dreams. It is not of you, but me. Within me lays a fear inconceivable to most. A fear that my body is tainted, ruined and falling apart. A fear that if I offered it to you, it would twist and mangle you, turn on you and devour your health, your wholeness, your innocence. It seeks these things, you see, leeching from the unexpecting, the naïve, and the caring, stealing back what has been taken from the start. It is hollow and never ending, insatiable. You would be pure but I can give only blackness, a darkening shadow that would rule your world as it rules mine. I don’t want this for you, I refuse to let it live outside of myself, but you would fall victim. Easy prey.
Please child, please. Remember that this is for you. Yes there is fear, but it is your best interest that truly colours my heart. There is an undying distrust that transcends more than concern and worry, and it is knowing. Knowing that I am not fit, knowing that I am not normal, knowing that I am an object, and worst yet knowing that I did this to myself. This knowledge does not construct the mother that you deserve but instead a living dead; a corpse that walks among the people decomposing, rotting in superficial success. You see, child, silently holding on to your agony, accepting accountability causes such tearing from life, such ripping from reality that the sound has all but deafened me. I am unable to hear, unable to see, or understand. Dazed and disoriented from the roar, I am falling. Turning on myself, I am crawling. The only thing that soothes me, the only thing louder is the internal shushing, the chaos that sings despairs, and lulls me into service and restrained order.
Remember, please, that I love you. The idea of you and the want of us. It’s not easy to accept what cannot be but the thought of you makes it simple. Little round face with deep brown eyes, soulful though young. Curls that bounce up and down as you run to me for security and comfort. You could be anything, anyone and I would take pride in your choices. I would admire your courage, and treasure your spirit. Your passion would be my passion and together we would work to grow both together and apart. A pair we would be, a sight; you my daughter, and I…
But it’s not to be. I will keep you in my heart, in the beautiful spots in my mind nestled amongst my curiosity and creativity. For there you are safe; safe from the world, safe from dangers, and safe from me.
You are never a thought I will give up, never a replaceable concept. You will always be wanted, always. You will never be a child, but you are my girl nonetheless. I will cherish the dream of you though it is also my nightmare.
With agony and strength, adoration and torment, with everything that I have, with nothing, with safety, with love like no other,
Mom

Sorry if its triggering, shouldn't be I don't think. Just something that we have been working on lately and I'm feeling like she should see this, but I'm scared that she will think I'm crazy or be mad at me or leave me because I'm hopeless.

[Tongalee]

Please i see her tomorrow. How do I go about this?

[ruh roh]

I wish I could respond in a helpful way, but I am missing context for it that I'm guessing your therapist has? I can't tell what it's about--if this is a real child (and, if so, what the circumstances are that you're faced with) or if it's metaphorical. I'm sorry I can't offer any advice. I don't believe your therapist will think you're crazy or leave you--not by a long shot. There is a great deal of pain and honesty in this that a therapist would welcome. Also, I don't see anything in this that shows you are hopeless--on the contrary, I see a lot of promise from the opening up.

[Pennster]

Do you think it would help if you showed it to her and then you could talk about everything in it? I agree with ruh roh- you don't sound crazy or hopeless. It just sounds like you have a lot to talk about.

[rainbow8]

I think you should print it and give to your T to read in the beginning of your session. She won't think you're crazy or hopeless. There's a lot of feeling in what you wrote. My T would call it "grist for the mill." Good luck. Don't be afraid.

[kecanoe]

I agree with the others who have said just print it out and hand it to her. You do not sound crazy, you sound like you are hurting and ready to deal with the hurt.
Take care, and let us know how it goes.

[Tongalee]

Thank you guys.

Sorry about the context. My therapist and I are always talking about babies and how I would love to be a mom, but realize that I never could - I couldn't live with myself if I messed up my daughter. so this is my note to the thought of her I guess.