[neutrino]

Just got home from the last session with my psychologist before her vacation. She's off until the middle of August so I won't see her in quite a long time, which is difficult. She unfortunately made it even more difficult by telling me (when I asked if we'll keep having sessions during the autumn semester) that we'll see each other next semester but that she isn't sure about the spring yet. She said we'll see how things go and that we'll talk about the spring in the end of the year. Completely reasonable, right?

I realise it's reasonable but it still made me very anxious. Due to some things that happened to me at school when I was younger (I was bullied), I have some abandonment issues and those fears were triggered today. Big time. I've seen my psychologist for over two years now and she means a lot to me. Sometimes I wonder if she means too much to me. I don't love her, I don't want to be her friend, I don't want to meet at some place other than her office or anything like that. I just really like talking to her and I appreciate all the support she has given me. She's probably saved my life. Losing her would be very difficult and it's something I don't like thinking about. So now I'm afraid, even though what she said about the spring semester doesn't necessarily mean we'll stop having sessions.

So, basically, I'm anxious and I feel like a moron for feeling this way. I feel stupid. Anyway, I'm wondering if it's "normal" to feel this way when it comes to your therapist...? Also, do you have any advice on how to not dwell on this and spend the whole summer (and next semester) feeling anxious and being afraid of her "abandoning" me?

Thanks.

You know. Whatever our back story, and the effects that had, that is our story. If you understand why your feel as toy do, than you're half way to solving it.
For the effects to be highlighted in therapeutic space, means your can begin to understand them. So really gard less of what is actually going on, use that as a path to enlightenment.
I mean if the T was not a messy human being, like we all are, or didn't say things that opened the wounds, how do we heal?
You feel what you feel. Accept it. But don't hide it. Talk about it.

[wheeler]

Gosh Neutrino, I totally get this! I would be upset by this too, and even more heightened by her being on vacation for a while. Can you email/text/call her with your concerns? I'm sure she wouldn't want you ruminating about this all summer.....atleast I know mine wouldn't.

[therapyishelping777]

Is she giving you any options/referrals for intermittant care while she's gone ?

[neutrino]

Thanks for the replies.

She's aware I'm afraid of being abandoned (in general and by her) so I don't think she meant to upset me. I guess I could email her about it but I'm not going to. Like I said, she's already aware of my fear of abandonment. Besides, I'm probably just being stupid and I don't want to bother her on her last day of work before her vacation starts.

Originally Posted by therapyishelping777

Is she giving you any options/referrals for intermittant care while she's gone ?

For the weeks she's off during the summer? No, I'm on my own.

[therapyishelping777]

Maybe you could do online therapy while she's gone, just for temporary have someone to talk to .. I've done that at random times and it works out good. Betterhelp has financial aid if you qualify and you get a free week to start? Just an idea? Honestly I can't imagine mine going for more than a week, that would be really hard, I've really come to depend on him, its kind of scary, but he's just so good and it calms my anxiety a ton!

[neutrino]

I don't know who else to talk to.

Anyway, something that worries me a little bit is that I've already caught myself thinking that maybe I should try to get used to the thought of not having anyone to talk to anymore and to simply stop talking about things and repress everything instead. I've already caught myself thinking about shutting down and becoming a "cold" person who tries to not feel things instead of having to live with all the thoughts and emotions without having anyone to talk to. Do you know what I mean?

[Cinnamon_Stick]

I think its normal to feel that way with a therapist. I have. If it were me, I would email so I wouldn't be sitting with this fear for the whole summer. I am sure your T doesn't want you worried like this for weeks.

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by neutrino

I don't know who else to talk to.

Anyway, something that worries me a little bit is that I've already caught myself thinking that maybe I should try to get used to the thought of not having anyone to talk to anymore and to simply stop talking about things and repress everything instead. I've already caught myself thinking about shutting down and becoming a "cold" person who tries to not feel things instead of having to live with all the thoughts and emotions without having anyone to talk to. Do you know what I mean?

That does not respect the work youve done so far.

[ruh roh]

I would have a hard time with that kind of thing said just before a long break. I could be wrong, but didn't you go through something similar with her a year or more ago --late in the year--and you had to plead your way into more frequent appointments, or to keep from having them cut back? If I've got that wrong, I apologize. But if it's correct, then at least you know this is how she works and that you may have to always revisit things toward the end of the year and you can make a good case for continuing and she will hear that.

Anyway, I feel similarly about my therapist. I don't want the friendship or relationship outside of therapy, but I like having her in that role and knowing she's not going anywhere (although it doesn't help when she talks about wanting to).

[kecanoe]

The abandonment feelings and the desire to shut down are both familiar to me. But knowing that others do the same thing may not be as helpful as contacting your t before she leaves. Her last day before she leaves is still a working day.

[Ceridwen18]

Great advice above, but I looked at this problem through a different lens. I saw that you have been able to open up and form a wonderful therapeutic relationship with your T. That's a huge positive! I don't think you are being abandoned, and your history with her supports this, but if and when the time comes to move on, you have shown yourself capable of reaching out and receiving support from someone. If you have done it once, with success, you can do it again. We grow, we build on past successes. Things change. Perhaps you can come to see that is a natural process and doesn't equate with abandonment? I'm sorry for your pain about this. Hugs.

[neutrino]

I'm thinking that maybe I should send her an email even if I don't really want to. She's working today (Friday) and then she's off so if I send it early today she might have time to read it and, hopefully, reply. I feel ashamed though. I know I'll feel bad for sending the email. Trying to decide if it's better to feel bad about possibly making a fool of myself or feeling anxious because I haven't sent an email about the whole thing.

Originally Posted by ruh roh

I would have a hard time with that kind of thing said just before a long break. I could be wrong, but didn't you go through something similar with her a year or more ago --late in the year--and you had to plead your way into more frequent appointments, or to keep from having them cut back? If I've got that wrong, I apologize. But if it's correct, then at least you know this is how she works and that you may have to always revisit things toward the end of the year and you can make a good case for continuing and she will hear that.

That is correct and I don't think my fear of abandonment would've been triggered unless I felt that it sounded a bit different this time, which it did (in my opinion). I might've misunderstood or something, but I just felt like it sounded different this time.

[ruh roh]

I would send an email, but I would also ask for a reply with something (thoughts, clarification) to help me get through the break. It's always a risk in not hearing back or not hearing anything helpful, which is why I try to say what I'd like to get by way of a reply. The downside is if it's something that can't be resolved in an email. If your therapist restates what she said in person, would that be okay or make things worse? You might ask for clarification and just be prepared to have to sit with whatever that is for the coming break--but at least you will have something more to consider.

That is, unless your therapist isn't the type to reply, then I think it's harder to take a chance on emailing. In that case, it would be more for your benefit to see your thoughts written out.

[neutrino]

I emailed her this morning and she replied. We basically just agreed that I'll get a heads-up quite a while before we end our sessions and that I'll get time to adjust to the fact (whenever it's time for our sessions to end that is, which she didn't say anything about). I guess it's good to know that I'll get quite a bit of time to prepare for the ending but it doesn't really make me any less anxious about the original "problem". Anyway, I'm trying to tell myself that worrying about the whole thing won't help and that I shouldn't allow myself to worry (at least not until after the summer). Easier said than done but I have to try or I'll be miserable all summer (which I might be anyway because of other issues).