Should I quit seeing my T?

I spend a lot of time during the days thinking about if I´m going to stop seeing my current T. We are having a summer break for about a month now and I´m thinking of ending it with her when we see each other next time. I would really like your opinions here at PC, if I should stop seeing her of if I should try some more. I´ve seen here for about half year. Things to consider:

• I can´t pay out of my own pocket for therapy, she is the only T at this clinic and they don´t cooperate with or refer me to another clinic if I choose to end.
• I won´t cope with just self care, books or similar
• I´m unemployed and can´t save money to pay a private T.
• I don´t feel any progress and I don´t think I´ve reached any of my goals.
• I´m not attached to this T and I don´t feel she´s warm or caring enough
• I don´t feel it´s a point in telling my T this, she has made some adjustments and she tries to help me but perhaps we just aren´t a good match.
• As I´m depressed I feel part of my view on this therapy and T might be distorted or more negative than needed to be.

How to reason around this and how to make a decision?

I can't advise whether to stay or not, but could you continue to see her for a specific goal? For example, getting a job? That way, you will solve the problem of not having money to find a therapist that's better suited to you for other things. You can earn an income and then find another therapist.

Another specific therapy goal would be finding ways to develop relationships outside of therapy that will make you less likely to look for things from a therapist that they can't provide.

In other words, look for something specific and concrete she can help with and see her for that reason only?

To paraphrase the comedian Rosanne Barr, "good t relationships dont just 'come out of the box' that way! You have to train them!" I was not particularly thrilled with my current t for at least the first 3 years i was seeing him. We had some good moments that showed me he had potential, that he was not a complete idiot, but most of the time i felt like we were not hearing each other at all.

But i had felt this way about many of my previous ts, and i felt i might possibly be able to do a better job. I knew there were times in the past that i had held back, been too ashamed or embarrassed to say something in session, so i just decided that with this t, i would at least TALK about those feelings and maybe that would make it easier to share them. Also i talked a lot about my former ts and that helped - i like blamed THEM, so current t could see i meant him too! Who says im not subtle?!

Half a year really isnt that long depending on what your working on. I've been going for almost 3. Does this T help you cope? You said you wouldnt cope on your own. Maybe stay with them and work on coping skills so you feel better about coping on your own or stay until you can find someone that you do like. Just leaving without a plan or confidence that you will cope seems scary to me. Maybe go over your goals again and discuss what progress you have made. For me its really hard to see my progress but my T is able to see the bigger picture and explain where I started and where I am now, what we've worked on, etc. It makes me feel better when I feel like im not getting anywhere. Maybe you can bring that up next session? Can you add in group or medication to change things up and feel like your making progress?

I don't think any of us can answer that for you. In the scheme of things, 6 months really isn't very long, and you don't seem to have other options from what you describe. I don't remember, are you seeing a pdoc for meds at all? You are right that when you are really depressed, it can may our perceptions rather negative and everything feels "dull". Nothing you have said about your therapist points to her being bad at what she does, but I know you are not feeling a connection. You do tend to compare a lot to your old T, forgetting that your old T didn't handle your therapy well in the end -- sometimes we have selective memory (we are all guilty of that so don't feel badly about it; it is what it is).

Have you sat down together and really clarified what your goals are? I can't remember if you said you had done that together or not.

Since you say you do not feel you can cope on your own, and apparently at least this therapist is helping you cope at this point, maybe that is okay at this point. Sometimes I know that all my therapy was about was simply making it from day to day, week to week, month to month. I didn't always feel like I was making any progress at all; sometimes I felt I was going backwards even but that had much more to do with my depression level than with therapy.

I wonder what is your goal in therapy or what is the reason for you to seek therapy?

I agree with other poster about setting specific goals. Tell your t you need specific help and strategies in:

Finding a job/ and/or education/vocational training and obtaining financial independence

Finding friends/social groups

Finding strategies coping with depression ( maybe discuss Meds)

If she is unable or unwilling to help with that then quit otherwise I think you need specific help in becoming happier and more fulfilled person.

If you have hard time with setting goals then tell t you need help with setting goals.

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How do you feel at the end of each session? Better, worse, or no different?

What other options do you have? Can you find another T within the same system or network?

Thanks. I have several more or less specific goals set but as this therapy is psychodynamic we don´t look into just one goal, as for example finding a job. I know my problems go deeper and by that I choose a psychodynamic therapy. I don´t think she would be able to work on just one issue, she´s more into finding patterns and explanations in childhood, earlier experiences and so on.

Thanks for giving perspective. My therapy is set to one year on beforehand and by that I feel a lot of stress about getting to my goals and to progress in therapy. My T helps me cope in that respect that I don´t feel "all lost and alone" without any professional to turn to but it´s not that severe that I would for example harm myself if I didn´t see this T.

Perhaps I could bring that up to her, that I don´t feel I make any progress but as everything in our relationship seem fragile so is talking about things that don´t work. Even if she told me "you´ve made this and that progress" I don´t see any progress in my life outside therapy and my goals are far bigger than feeling a bit better and such.

I´ve tried several antidepressants without success.

Thanks. Yes, I also see a Pdoc but I´ll get a new one from this autumn and I don´t know who that´ll be. I´ve tried several medicines already and it didn´t work. Yes, I agree I compare a lot with my old T but sometimes I wonder what´s worst, having a rather cold and stable T I don´t connect with or have a warm and caring T who couldn´t handle complaints/opinions at the end.

Yes, I really thought about my goals in therapy, I wrote them down specifically and we talked them through and she noted them into my journal and treatment plan. It´s valuable to hear that you (and others) as well had struggled with not feeling progress in therapy. I just feel empty and disappointed when I now spend a lot of time on my own during summer.

I have several goals but a main goal is to understand and get insight and to build more self esteem to reduce anxiety and to be able to trust in getting a job, a relationship and more friends. I also have specific issues around relationships that I want to deal with and also process the termination in my last therapy. My T "agreed" to all those goals and I believed she could work with my on all those issues but now after half a year I mostly get the impression that she only knows one method. She looks for childhood patterns and earlier experiences who should explain why I am where I am today and that isn´t supportive.

Thanks. Mostly I feel no different, the 45 minutes pass by very quickly and then I go home feeling the same. No, the big problem is I can´t find another T within the same clinic as she is the only one and there is no cooperation between clinics so I would be more or less on my own if I choose to end it with this T.

I found it important to discuss childhood and why we do what we do but it cannot go on forever. After 6 months I'd ask her to help
with current goals

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Thanks. Yes, perhaps I could do that but I don´t like telling my T what to do, she doesn´t appreciate it.

That's bizarre - have you told her that this is how you feel? They're not supposed to impose their own agendas on clients too strongly...

Gee. She doesn't appreciate it? Wtf?

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Thanks. No, I can´t tell her that because then she´ll decide we´ll end therapy. Earlier on in spring I told her several opinions I had on therapy and she adjusted a bit but at the moment I just feel I´ll go there without engaging much in the process when we see each other again after summer break. I´ll listen to her without responding and just answer shortly to what she asks. I won´t put so much energy into therapy as I did this term as nothing comes out of it.

If nothing comes out of it and you aren't going to put energy into it then why even continue? There are plenty of other things one can do one hour a week? Like you can do job search or take online class or volunteer or read a book or take a walk. What's the point of it if you plan on not being engaged? Could you wait till fall and try asking her for help or see if your new Pdoc is helpful? Why do you think they will terminate you if you ask for more than talking about childhood?

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Thanks. She did do some adjustments when I had several opinions about therapy earlier on but she didn´t welcome my opinions so to speak or told me it was strong of me to dare telling her or something like that. I think I´ll just try to detach from the process and just be there in the therapy room with her without expecting anything. If I can manage I´ll just play by this role until she tells me we should end therapy.

It sounds like you're setting yourself up for rejection if you do that. Do you think there's a reason why you want her to terminate rather than you taking the initiative?

Thanks. Because there´s a difference between ending therapy myself and the T ending therapy as I´m within public health care. If I make the choice to quit, then it´s also completely up to me to find whatever way I can find but if the T brings it up and makes the decision it´s a bit different.

Even if my new Pdoc turns out to be good he or she won´t be able to help me to another T as he or she works under the same circumstances as my former Pdoc who now leaves this clinic in August.

As my T always returns to topics around my childhood I´ve realised that´s her only way of working, she doesn´t know how to use some different approach. Even if she also listens to and comments upon current issues, for example my unemployment, she always gets into childhood stuff and asks about my mother and so on. By that I think it´s no idea of even telling her.

Thanks. Yes, that´s true but if I consciously act in a way that makes her end therapy it´s different from being rejected and not knowing why. Yes, as I´m within public health care it´s a difference between me choosing to leave, then I would be all on my own and they won´t care if I get therapy or not. But if the T herself chooses to end, she´ll have a little bit more responsibility to look for another solution or else it will really be like "I want to end, there´s the door".

I think this makes me indifferent and it´s a kind of defence as it doesn´t help talking to her, I can´t change how she is and there are no other solutions or T:s available.

What if you go along and explore your childhood and why you are having so many difficulties. Honestly if you don't pay for therapy and don't work, maybe it is ok to spend an hour a week trying to figure out whatever is that your t wants to explore? Maybe some thing would come out of it? What exactly is she trying to explore in your childhood? Maybe it will not hurt if you try to go along with her approach?

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Thanks. I don´t know what she thinks she´ll find, I just think she doesn´t know any other approach and she keeps looking for things that aren´t there. Of course there are stuff to talk about but she uses childhood events and my relationship with my mother as a way to interpret every other issue or problem I tell her about.

I´ll just answer her "I don´t know" or "yes, that´s possible" when she starts talking about childhood stuff or I´ll just look at her talking. I think she´ll be fine with that as long as she can use a method she believes in even if it isn´t helpful.