[atisketatasket]

Can your therapist admit openly when they have made a mistake? Or do they dance around that with things like non-apologies? ("I'm sorry you felt unsupported." Etc.)

I have in mind their actually saying something outright like "I made a mistake," "I erred in my judgment," etc. Owning it, in other words.

[88Butterfly88]

I've had most therapist dance around apologies. My current t is still pretty new so I'm not sure what she's like yet.

[nicoleflynn]

My t always owns up to mistakes, etc.

[velcro003]

I haven't really had much of any ruptures with my T, but the few times she's messed up, she apologized profusely.

[itjustis]

My T and I went through a rough patch. We had a particularly bad session. I emailed her about it then we talked about it too. She owned up to her mistake and apologised for it. I respect her even more for that.

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[Waterbear]

Only once, big mistake, she apologised and said it was her fault, not mine and that I had taught her a valuable lesson. I think it was don't say you will do something you can't do or else it was if you say you will do something then do it. Could be something else though, I never did ask. Maybe one day I will!

[joshuas-mommy]

My therapists tell me I am ruminating anytime I bring up something they did to me. They never apologize.

He has a 100% super-impresive record on that score. He's always impressed me with his non-defensiveness and ability to own his mistakes. I couldn't work with a T who was unable to do that.
Defensiveness is one of the things that made T1 so difficult.

[ruh roh]

Sometimes yes, sometimes just not acknowledging there was anything to what I pointed out, and a few times saying she was sorry I felt the way I did. I dislike the latter the most. I don't think anyone can be sorry for how someone feels, which is kind of invalidating. The two or three times she said she was sorry for having made a mistake, it was very helpful.

[stopdog]

The second one is quite good about it. The first one totally sucks at it - so badly that I once gave her this cartoon by tossing it on the table with the cash attached to it - she never mentioned it:
https://stancarey.wordpress.com/2014...ir-many-names/

I believe the first has done all of these:
The Perfect Non-Apology Apology - NYTimes.com
The Art of the (Non) Apology

[therapyishelping777]

I can't really remember my T making any "mistakes" he's been pretty right on , the only thing he made a mistake was one time he said April instead of August.. I corrected him kind of kidding and he said "its my accent".. it was kind of funny.. I know he's human though and it will happen.

[skeksi]

He's very good at owning up to mistakes. Sometimes he identifies errors that I didn't see. When I find fault with him, he always validates what I'm feeling and often agrees that he made an error or was hurtful, even if only intentionally. He also gently encourages me to own mistakes with him (i.e., "we misunderstood each other" and not always "he messed up and did me wrong"). It's been helpful and a good model.

[missbella]

The therapists I knew and one I know outside her practice were all infallible domineering types who are completely intolerant to any challenge to their supreme authority. But they do with such a performed empathetic smile and condescendingly calm voice, it's difficult to discern they're so completely quashing.

[Chummy2]

Current T hasn't really made mistakes (yet) or at least not big ones. I've only been seeing her for 4 months. She has forgetten some things a few times (nothing really important) and she was honest about it.

My other T (she's on leave/vacation) has made some mistakes, but I've known her a lot longer. A few had a big impact on me, other weren't so big to me. I think she's more to owning small mistakes than to mistakes that had a big impact on me. Or it was that we saw it differently, that I thought she was wrong while she maybe thought I was overacting or that it wasn't all her fault. I don't know. I sometimes feel she sometimes talks around things and not directly about it. She also have used ''I'm sorry you feel ...''. I remember one ''issue'' that was bothering me a lot and when I finally told her about it, she didn't exactly apologized. It was about her being late. She had explained why it could be that she was late several times and that she would try to be on time with me (like I'm the only one who's making a problem of it), but she never said ''I'm sorry for being late''.

And then there have been previous T's. I'm not going into that, but from my experience T's don't like to own up their mistakes.

[AllHeart]

I had to go with other. My t has made a few mistakes that resulted in mild ruptures. She admitted her mistakes and apologized in the moment, and worked through the mild ruptures with me with absolute grace. However, at a later date she would throw out a comment like, "I wouldn't want you to get mad at me again. I don't even know what I did wrong."

[HowDoYouFeelMeow?]

Other=rarely

[MobiusPsyche]

Yes she says "I messed up" when she messed up.

[thesnowqueen]

I didn't vote for anything but my sense is that an explicit 'I am sorry' is actually not important. What is important is that T takes on what is being said and alters their behaviour in the relevant respect. I neither need nor want remorse - I want comprehension and change. Ok, maybe some acknowledgement would have been nice...

I voted "Sometimes yes, sometimes no" but I am with thesnowqueen on this. It is reassuring to hear apologies sometimes but I don't really care for them much, what is important is being open, direct, and able to adapt and change. I am in therapy because I want to better understand and change some things in myself and my behavior, so I want to work with someone who is not only supportive of this but has their own similar values.

My current T is quite good with this but the former one became more and more entangled in dogmatism and defensiveness, which led me to end therapy with him eventually. I think that everyone makes mistakes and we are often not aware of them in the moment. The thing is a willingness to own up to them and learn from them in a collaborative way, imo at least.

Those were usually really great sessions when we hashed out disagreements and errors along the way. Rather productive actually. He had no problem with hearing me out and admitting when he had something wrong, but it was in the discussion and interchange where great insights were made for both of us. It was less about who was right and who was wrong, and more about we clearly see things differently here--what can either or both of us take out of this disagreement.

[junkDNA]

he admits it. and apologizes. one time he even admitted that the day before he was "being a jacka.s.s."

[awkwardlyyours]

Yeah, no (as I've kvetched repeatedly both to her and on here).

I could write a novel....no wait, at least a trilogy, given my level of frustration about this issue.

[atisketatasket]

Originally Posted by awkwardlyyours

Yeah, no (as I've kvetched repeatedly both to her and on here).

I could write a novel....no wait, at least a trilogy, given my level of frustration about this issue.

I would totally buy that trilogy. I envision it as a sort of cross between "The Hunger Games" and the "His Dark Materials" trilogy. With a dash of "The Alexandria Quartet."

[Out There]

Yes , mistakes and misunderstandings or not knowing I felt as I did , he's very good at that and I hope it's been growth for us both ( I tend to lean towards the concept that there's always two people in therapy ).

[annielovesbacon]

I cannot think of any mistake my t has made, except one small one where she forgot to tell me something, and she apologized profusely for that.