That sentence today from T felt like a knife attack.
I felt so angry toward her from Mondays session (see 'Internal dialogue' thread).
When she asked me that question, I shut up. I felt I'd burst with anger at her. She Asked what was happening? I said nothing. She replied nothing? I knew it was my free Choice to be sitting there, so wondered why I chose to shut up and act toward her like she's useless unyet continue to sit there? Wasn't that ambivalence? I must know in at a deeper level that she can help.
I said I was trying to shut all her avenues down. Not allow her to stab me. Not give her the pleasure of telling her what was going on.
T said, but why would it please me?

Me: eeeerrr, I dunno. I didnt. So I guessed something from the past was replaying itself out here.
I told T, OK. I think you are useless in helping me with this issue (trigger).
T still remains as solid as always. Refusing to be pulled into the drama, remaining in the outside looking with me at 'it'. Except when it's going on, I can't see that.
T said, the problem is, I've only got words and sometimes that doesn't feel enought.
Bloody hell. Why does she have a way of saying things that peeks through the maddness
I could feel my anger beginnig bg to drain a bit.
I came away today, feeling lucky that I feel safe enough with T to be angry at her.

[Waterbear]

Hugs to you Mouse. I am afraid I don't really have anything useful to say right now but I am just having a bottle of Old Mout Cider and their tag line is 'what do you expect?' It made me think of you and this post!