How do you stop wanting T to be your friend?

I also wonder -- can you truly accept that this is the person you were hurt by AND are so attached to? Like sit with the fact that the same person is capable of evoking both reactions -- great pain and great affection?

It sounds like you're splitting your T into 'good' and 'bad' based on how your feelings are because to somehow really feel that she is indeed both good and bad is impossible to bear? That she can be the person you go to, to be soothed by and she is also the one who does stuff because of which you need soothing?

I wonder what it would be like to feel both / to really know that both are true? Would it feel jarringly and intrusively 'adult' in a way that would contradict other stuff that you do / feel in therapy?

Well maybe she is not deliberately doing anything but it seems to me that in that particular area you are still struggling ( jealousy that she travels or has boyfriend or wanting to be her friend or upset she is dressed certain way), is all of this being discussed in sessions and if yes does how ?

I personally think that at this point I would maybe try to stop worrying about childhood but ask t for specific strategies how to live a happy adult life. I might be wrong of course. It's my opinion only but I would just like to hear some more positive results.

I don't know how long you have been seeing her. Maybe I just don't understand how all this "child" think is working. My t and I did a lot of discussing of my childhood and how it effected my choices as an adult. Then as I became aware I started making a bit better choices ( still needed her reenforcement). I wouldn't honestly see any point in continue going back and address my childhood. Maybe it also help that my t is very straightforward and rather blunt. She doesn't coddle much

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I think you've got me confused with someone else - I don't know enough about IFS to disagree with it. If it works for people, as it clearly does, great. But it does seem to me, know-nothing as I am, that it's a two-step process - one, acknowledging the parts, and two, doing whatever to harmonize them. You and your therapist acknowledge your child parts, your therapist even speaks to them in session iirc, but from reading your posts on topics like this the child part seems to be pretty well entrenched and not responding to efforts to integrate or whatever. This is making you miserable a good deal of the time, it sounds like. So what's the next step?

And it's more than parts, I think - is the focus on what she wears an interest of one of the parts?

I want to be friends with T1. For years I wanted to be his kid (even though he is about my age). I was super dependent on him, with daily contact, seeing him every day during the week, sometimes for more than one session per day and texting on weekends and sometimes evenings. T1 had no clue what to do with this-he'd never treated anyone with my diagnosis before. I eventually was hospitalized and they freaked out at the 5 days a week (I don't think they even knew about the out of session contact). It was a trauma specific place and while there I was diagnosed with DID. They insisted that we cut back to no more than twice a week.

It was horrible to cut back, in fact I added 2 Ts, seeing one twice a week, so I still had daily sessions, just not with T1. We cut back slowly (in defiance to what the hospital said-my teen age part was not going to let the two year old suffer like that). But it was still very painful. And years later, I still want more sessions.

However, at this point I am far less attached. I think it is due to a few things. Partly because of EMDR, SE and brain spotting that I do with other ts. Partly because thru all this T1 has held steady. He is nothing if not consistent. I guess I should amend that because I am quite willing to change appointment times when he asks. Like today he is in court this morning, so I see him later today instead of my 8 am. I know some posters like same time/same day always and I am ok with that shifting around to accommodate. But he has managed to stay calm and non anxious most of the time. He occasionally slips up, but we are able to work thru that.

We do IFS, and our sessions mostly consist of him being with the most hurt 2 year old. We often look at magazines and imagine being with animals that are pictured. He will often escort her to a bear cave (with a nice mama bear, of course) and encourage her to stay there if needed.

So my need for him has gradually subsided, although it is no where near zero. He still assures me that it will eventually get to the point where I am ok with terminating. At this point I can see that happening in the far distant future.

It has helped me to learn about his life some. I can imagine what he is like IRL and he isn't as "good" out there as he is with me. He told me that one of his sons, after listening to T talk to a client on the phone, asked why T did not listen to son like that. So that might be helpful.

I hate talking about the neediness because I want to demand that he do something about it and because older parts find it very embarrassing. But I occasionally do. T knows it is there and so do I, all parts of me. I do talk about when the other parts are feeling ashamed or scared of the attachment.

I do try to do the exercises at home that we do in session. That is becoming more and more possible.

So maybe adding a T? Talking about it here? Asking for ways to try to comfort the child? And journaling. Lots of that. Can you do art that represents part of your child's hurt? And feel free to PM me.

Well, it's hard to move away from your childhood if your childhood trauma continues to go on controlling your adult life.

For me, I do a lot of inner child work , but my T focuses on ME helping my inner child fragments. For instance if "little bay" is upset because T is going to be gone taking her kid to college and missing a session my T will say " OK, well let her know that its OK to feel that way. Its OK to miss the people we love and its OK to be angry or hurt when we don't get what we want. So make sure you tell her that as often as you need to.
But what else can you do? You can remind her that I love you and I'll be back. You can remind her that its important for me to take care of the other people I love. You can remind her how it would feel.if SHE needed to go somewhere new and scary and no one would go with her.
You can also plan special things while I'm gone that will nourish you and little bay"
And then its my job to DO those things.
In this way each time my T is gone it gets easier as my inner child is learning how to manage her emotions, show empathy, accept her needs and others limitations, and learn how to self-soothe.

That's how it works for me.
I'm a writer so it us easy for me to.interact with my inner child as a unique individual.....

Trust me, the entanglement and confusion a friendship would bring is an absolute chronic mind fu## you don't want. It would severely compromise the healthy, solid, therapeutic relationship the two of you have right now, and then some. Believe me when I say friendship is a fantasy you do not want to have fulfilled.

For me, there are a few reasons why I've come to the conclusion that being a friend with T is not the best for me so therefore I don't yearn for it.

1.Time. Like other posters, I am grateful that for at least once a week, I get full undivided attention. I do not have that kind of time with any other person. And this attention revolves around my emotional issues. I revere that time with her.

2.One-sided. Part of me would love that T's and my relationship were two-sided -meaning that I could support her and know her and be her confidante as she does for me. But, in reality, the relationship with my T is so strong because I can lean on her 100% for emotional support. That doesn't mean I have 24/7 access to her. That would be dependency. But if I need to contact her outside of session, she is there for me. With a friend I might feel more hesitant to bother them, but that I'm T's 'job', there is less chance of me feeling guilty 'bothering' her.

3. Who is T? I don't know her, really. I know how she helps and supports me and I love that. But who is she outside of the office? I've gotten a few glimpses from some details she's shared with me, but that's less than a full picture. What if I were able to alter our relationship with her and become a friend, what would I learn and would I still want to be her friend after I've learned more about her? What if she has habits or beliefs that run contrary to my own? What if I learned she runs a puppy mill or she used to be an abuser or she ascribes to political beliefs that are opposite of mine? What if I learned that she has disgusting habits or has had 14 romantic relationships (all of which failed) or is involved with practices that degrade the environment?

Now, I don't believe that my T is any of the scenarios I describe above, but can I be sure that if I got to know her better that there wouldn't be something that would put me off - that, as a friend, I wouldn't like her?

I have a friend who is a T. She has serious emotional problems. Her clients know nothing about those problems. They see her as being very helpful - and she IS helpful. In fact, she is so popular that she has a waiting list. Now, for me, my friendship with her is very challenging. Her emotional issues bump against my emotional issues. She is not the person she presents to her clients in session. Yes, that is a piece of her- she is good at her job- but it's not the whole person they see.

So, our desire to have a friendship with T is based on fantasy. We might ask ourselves, how would we want that friendship to be? Do we really want to know the whole person? Are we willing to risk the wonderful relationship we have with them now as their client? Would we expect (even subconsciously) that the T continue to act like our therapists? How would that work? Are we willing or able to see their weaknesses and not get disillusioned?

For me, being a friend with T would ruin what she and I have right now. I want to always be able to depend on her when I have emotional need. Could I do that as easily if she were a friend?

My t sometimes used to say "don't let it stop you from enjoying your life" when I was preoccupied/upset with something. It kind of stuck with me. Life is too short to not enjoy it. Being repeatedly upset and unhappy over something just doesn't strike me as enjoyable. I am willing to be unhappy only for that long. If wanting something you can't have is repeatedly upsetting then I'd want to stop it. Maybe it's just me and I just plain don't have the patience. We aren't going to be here forever.


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Yeah but sometimes you THINK you got that stone out of your shoe, but now its back again!

Is it a tumor that if you dont get rid of all of it, its going to keep coming back and get worse? Or did the doctor say, yeah its ugly and its growing huge on your nose, but theres nothing we can do about it and its harmless except you cant see around it.

I had wanted my T to be my friend in the past but then I realized what I have with her is better. I have her undivided attention and she needs nothing from me. I can focus on me and my issues and work through them with her. If she was my friend, it would have to be equal. I realized that the T relationship is special because of the dynamics of it that can only exist if that person is your therapist. Its hard to want more out of the relationship but it helps when you can be truly happy that you have her in your life in some way even if its not the exact way you want.

I think its important to recognize that the fantasy of T being your friend is generally just that --a fantasy, an escape. When I.imagine being friends with my T I imagine us doing stuff together that would never actually happen
Things I don't do with my real friends because I don't have time. For me that was helpful too. A real friendship.would not fulfill the fantasy.

my t and i are very friendly with each other. but we are not friends. we would annoy each other too much if we were in each others lives a whole bunch.we are both hard to live with.

i have had a lot of people think they need to be my friend, people thinking that if i am friends with them that it would be so awesome because a lot of people know me. however, thats the IMAGE of me that they want to be friends with. they think they know me. The real me, that the public doesnt get to see, is not as awesome as what public perception is. i am actually very shy, i dont like to go out, i live private time with my dogs, and i am pretty quiet.

my husband is a therapist. lots of people just adore him. he is really good at his job. but they dont see the messes he leaves around the house, his bad attitude at home after a tough day at work, or how he ignores me when he gets mad.

i wonder if people want to be friends with their Ts because of their perception of them... not saying that Ts are fake, but because of the role we hire them to play in our lives. We see an idealized image of our T. we dont see them drinking too much at night or being rude to the grocer or swearing when they stub their toe or sweaty from the gym.
does that make sense?

I think Starry's right - it's an image you want to be friends with - one partly created by your therapist as a professional veneer (not saying she's fake, just that like we all do she emphasizes certain aspects of herself in her job), and partly by your perceptions of her. And when that image is wearing a different top, you're confronted with a jarring physical juxtaposition between image and reality.

My T is awesome. Although I wish I could be her friend, too, I know I can't have both. I choose the T relationship because I think she is more helpful in that role.

Thats why i say to follow the fantasy. You will come to a fork in the road. (My t would now say, "take it!" ignore him ) you will discover what need you would like this friendship to fulfill. Yes its embarrassing. But its your story. And following this trail to the end is the only way i know of to "stop" it. Your brain is just trying to solve a problem. Why would you want to stop it? Solve it, then go on to the next one. You know, like a video game. Your own private video game that your brain makes up just for you. Based on your entire history. What could be cooler? Unaluna quest.

Ooh. Writing this story, would be a similar kind of thing to my rewriting my old story as a fairy tale. I'm gonna do this.

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I'm going back to this other thread because my problem starts here. I have to accept that my T is my T and not anything else to me! If I could do that, I wouldn't have the email problem. I'm getting very anxious about my session Tuesday. I don't know if T can help me accept her role or not. I have to do it myself. I've had this problem before therapy with regular people. You would think Ts would be able to help me. I am not going to any other T. I wish I knew the answer. In DBT, it's radical acceptance. Or continually turning my mind. Accepting my T has her own life and I pay her. That's all it is. Not.

Some of this is accepting that the relationship you have with your therapist is what is designed to be: a therapist/client therapeutic relationship. That isn't a bad thing. That is why it is working for you. It is unlikely that an actual friendship with your therapist would in any way resemble what you have right now because a friendship is a horse of a different color. It is likely that you might actually find a friendship with your therapist rather dissatisfying by comparison.

My therapist is a better therapist than she would be a friend. She is REALLY good at her job and I am thankful I have her in my life as that role.

Thanks. My T is good at her job too, but I know she's a wonderful person and a great Mom. I know this from googling and from FB.

That could be true. I have to start believing it so I can feel it. Maybe it's mostly transference and about other people who didn't want me. T will want to focus on that, on MY life, of course, but I have to tell her how strong the feelings are. Who is she a stand in for? My friends who had dates? My classmates exchanging notes in 5th grade and excluding me? She will want to focus on "they don't want me." Not my parents. They wanted me. Kids were often cruel because i was shy. T going off like that hurts too much to be about her.

I wouldn't go by anything facebook displays. I mean, even I look like I have a great life on there, so that should say something about its reliability. Clearly, I don't know your therapist, but it's just not possible for anyone to be as perfect as social media allows people to portray.

Would it help if your therapist revealed a typical messed up human quality that she has, like being short tempered, or judgmental, or insecure and fearful? I can't remember what it was, but it seemed she had fallen off her pedestal a while back and you didn't feel as attached. So it does seem possible to peel back the glossy veneer and see more of the real person, and not only survive, but be better for it.

That is the idealized version you see there. Did you hear about that Texas woman who shot and killed her two daughters to get back at her husband a few weeks ago? She had a 'wonderful life' according to her facebook feed, too. Nobody saw that one coming.

I am not in any way saying that your T is anything like that woman at all. But unless she's posting about the arguments she has with her partner, or the unfortunate parenting mistakes she makes or how she gets super grumpy when x happens or whatever, then you can be certain that the facebook feed only shows the very best parts of her life... just like the majority of other facebook feeds out there.

Facebook is not real life.
Your T is as human, imperfect and fallible as you are.

My T has anything she posts blocked. I just read posts commenting on her photo from relatives/friends, like " beautiful inside and out" and things like that. I also once found something in Google from a cousin talking about her wonderful qualities. My T IS a kind person. I've seen that . I also know she isn't perfect because she got divorced. She told me she's just a regular person!

Yes. She got divorced and that got her down off the pedestal. She's also too thin. She writes run-on sentences! She used obscenities for the title of one of her paintings and wrote about her loneliness. Yes, but all these traits make me like her more even though she's not perfect. I will have to figure it out.

You don't know her. This is the cold reality. You like what you do know of her but that doesn't mean you know her. She could be always late or yell at her kids sometimes or put off doing dishes because they suck to do. You don't know her enough, you just know what she presents to you. Believe me when I say my facebook and my work life present a very confident person but say nothing of the physical and mental illnesses I struggle with. If you only know me those ways then you don't know me.

I'm not saying she is not a wonderful person. I guess I would look at it more as being grateful that this wonderful therapist is there for you but she will not be your friend. Maybe that is good or maybe not but this person is in your life to fulfill the role she does.

Perhaps a way to think of it could be to just accept you want something you can't have. I mean rather than fight yourself and try to make it stop on command or shame or whatever - just accept it as what it is and possibly grieve for what it means.