Attachment to T...pleasurable or painful?

UglyDucky · Aug 28, 2016, 08:38 PM

So sorry to be bringing attachment up, here, again, but I can be so clueless sometimes that I amaze even myself!

Are your feelings of attachment to your T pleasurable (you're comfortable w/depending on your T, you're generally happy thinking about T outside of appts., etc.) or painful (you want to be closer to your T, but you put distance between the two of you, you cry or feel unhappy/angry toward T out of appts. and don't know why, etc.).

Some/many of us on this forum were insecurely attached to our caregivers as infants/toddlers. It's just occurred to me that how we attached to our caregivers influences our attachment to our Ts. (Didn't I say I can be amazingly clueless...?) I was professionally dx'd w/a personality disorder w/avoidant features. I don't recall much of my first 13 years. When I began attaching to my T, she would ask how that felt and I'd say, "painful." Then I'd get the, "Why is it painful?" question. (Deer in headlights expression) I've never been able to answer T. Just recently I've thought that the answer to that question is wrapped up in the memories I haven't been able to access. Probably, most people know why they didn't get a secure attachment.

Can anyone substantiate my theory w/their own experience? (No need to share details if you don't want to do so) T and I have been spending a lot of time talking about my relationship w/my mother in high school and I've been having rough nights - lots of tossing and turning (to the point of injuries), dreaming, etc. I think I'm beginning to put things together that might shed some light on how I became so avoidant and insecurely attached, which would answer T's question, "Why is it painful?" Am I on the right track or still out in left field?

Any thoughts and/or opinions are welcome! And, thanks, if you've read this whole thing...

MaybeYes · Aug 28, 2016, 09:23 PM

Attachment to my T is painful to me for a few reasons. When T says nice things to me or about me, I think he's lying to get close to me and will one day say "just kidding!." Then I'll feel like an idiot for believing him. I yearn to believe in him, but there's that voice inside that tells me not to. That torn feeling is what is painful. It's also painful because I know one day he will leave or I will. There is no real place for this relationship to go, nor should there be, really. The one person in the world who might really understand me can't be in my life forever.

ABeautifulLie · Aug 28, 2016, 09:28 PM

My attachment to my T is both good and painful. I do feel like she cares about me but what if it's all an act, Im just her job after all. I wish I can be closer to her like hug her but she already established that she doesnt hug clients which makes me angry at her. Even I do get closer to her my relationship with her isnt going to last forever.

retro_chic · Aug 28, 2016, 09:33 PM

Mostly painful for the reasons you mentioned. I dream about my T quite often and I'm always happy in those dreams so that's nice... Until I wake up and realise it's not real.

MobiusPsyche · Aug 28, 2016, 09:34 PM

Pleasurable because I feel loved by T and that part is awesome. Painful because I feel like I don't deserve to be loved. I sometimes yearn for T between sessions and that is painful, but that is getting less frequent as time goes by...slowly .

sweepy62 · Aug 28, 2016, 09:53 PM

This is my 3 t, my first 2 I became attached to, t number 1, I had no idea, I started therapy late in life, I know the feeling was great, I have trust issues. She left in the middle of me making progress, that was great pain. I told myself, this attachment thing would not happen again. With t 2, I explained it to her, and she said it was a good thing to get attached in a healthy way, so we developed a strong bond, and I was very attached, in a healthy way, again this therapist quit, and moved away. I was very very hurt. Now with t3 it's been a year and a half , I love this t, but I'm very careful, I find myself putting up walls when I find myself getting close, yet I am open somewhat.

Sent from my SM-G900V using Tapatalk

1stepatatime · Aug 28, 2016, 10:53 PM

The feelings I have towards my therapist vary. I used to be obsessed with her..constantly thinking about her, googling her, trying to look hot when I went to session. Although I'm still attached to her I don't google her, I don't spend every moment thinking of her. I'm sort of cautious now. Sometimes it feels like I'm reeled in and then other times like I've been cast out. I know part of this is because of my own stuff but she plays a role and I told her that sometimes therapy feels like mind f***ery.
Is it painful? Sometimes, used to be worse. Is the relationship pleasant? I suppose as much as it can be. The more she tightens boundaries the more I am reminded that this is a professional relationship and we will never be friends ( wouldn't want that anyways, weird!!). I trust the work that she does with me and I know that she cares as much as she can. I am trying to focus on that.

junkDNA · Aug 28, 2016, 10:56 PM

it goes to extreme levels on both sides

Luce · Aug 28, 2016, 11:01 PM

I would say my attachment with my t is secure, now. It took a very, very long time for me to be able to say that.
In childhood I don't know what type of attachment I had. None, I guess. Mother was dismissive and unavailable, father was extremely abusive, with odd flashes of kindness. Prior to therapy I did not trust anyone. Now I trust that t cares for me and will always feel that care and hold me in positive regard. That just is.
That said, it is still painful at times. I have DID so there are varying degrees of healed-ness in me. Although t is now ex-t we still have contact and the attachment is secure on one level, and perhaps still insecure on others. Some internal ones are dismissive of her and have no desire to contact or attach to her at all. So not all of me is securely attached. But me and the ones that matter are.

Aug 29, 2016, 08:42 AM

I think I'm insecurely attached to my T. I was quite independent as a child, not by choice, so I guess that means I wasn't well attached to my parents. I can really identify with the tossing and turning. I often feel ok my therapy during the day, but at night I toss and turn, and feel a lot of difficult feelings. I imagine there are some people who find going to therapy warm and lovely. I hope maybe I'll get there one day?

objectclient · Aug 29, 2016, 12:16 PM

Attachment...

If you read my recent thread about the fact I'm still hurting after termination months ago, you'll understand where I'm coming from when I say that attachment to Ts is in my experience purely painful.

When I'm in therapy, I hate feeling so powerless due to the way that the nature of the relationship reels me in, causing greater attachment while the T has the power at any time to terminate therapy, impose tighter boundaries and distance themselves from me, thus reinforcing my ambivalent attachment style and re-traumatizing me with another relationship in which I feel it's inevitable that I'm going to be let down. I have realized that although I've never said so, I always want more out of the relationship that Ts can give me, as they can probably gather from how often I need support outside of sessions and my general clingy behavior. However, (for obvious reasons) I cannot meet the emotional needs that therapy has brought to the surface by means of my relationships with T. I think one T tried to do this by being more flexible with the boundaries and allowing hugs but then it started to feel painful that this is what I had been missing my whole life. Even then, the attachment wasn't enough. I still craved more and I started to feel that although I wanted this level of attachment, it was suffocating me and making me angry at the same time. All of this = pain. Perhaps that is why I push Ts away and have a kind of push-pull relationship. This again = pain. I try to get Ts to give up on me out of anger or despair but then they don't and that in itself is painful. If I do manage to damage the relationship in some way, I then panic that T will leave me and try to mend things asap. What a mess

However, as for where this attachment originates, I have no idea. I know it must be a repeat of my early relationships with caregivers but there is nothing to suggest my parents were neglectful or abusive, quite the contrary, and my memories date back to the age of 3 or 4 without any gaps, which I've read is normal.

I can definitely say that having no idea of the cause has made it all the more difficult to understand my attachment style or that it was my attachment style that was causing me difficulties in the first place.

Aug 29, 2016, 03:15 PM

It has been both at various times. At the moment, it's pretty secure-feeling and a good thing. There have been times in the past when it has been so painful I have laid awake at 3am crying and wanting to scream out to her. I actually have a word doc saved on my laptop where I typed out my desperate yearning for her in a big, huge font. I look at it now and am like wow - I guess I have come a long way since then - that was at the worst of it and it hasn't felt like that ever again.

LonesomeTonight · Aug 29, 2016, 04:02 PM

It's been both for me, too, particularly with my marriage counselor. There were a couple times a year ago when something he said/did literally made me feel like I was being stabbed in the heart, like pain/ache in chest that made me crumple to ground in one case. Mostly fear of abandonment stuff. It was definitely an insecure attachment then! But he's also made me feel incredibly safe and accepted and understood and cared for. I still have what I call "warm fuzzies" for a while after I see and/or talk to him most times. Almost like he'd been holding me, but the only actual physical contact we do is handshakes at the start and end of session. I feel like it's a fairly secure attachment now, but I was talking to him recently about fears of termination because H and I are doing better (he calmed those fears). So clearly not entirely secure...

With T, the attachment is less intense, but has still caused some pain at times, including fairly recently. It's also caused less pleasure, which kind of makes sense.

Aug 29, 2016, 06:17 PM

95% good.

growlycat · Aug 29, 2016, 10:30 PM

Good feelings and pain sometimes at the same time. Even when things end positively it still hurts but was worth it.

Aug 30, 2016, 08:35 AM

My attachment has been pleasurable but lately as it mores in a different direction it has become very painful.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Myrto · Aug 30, 2016, 09:59 AM

MY attachment to my therapist is definitely painful and insecure.

UglyDucky · Aug 30, 2016, 12:33 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Luce

I would say my attachment with my t is secure, now. It took a very, very long time for me to be able to say that.
In childhood I don't know what type of attachment I had. None, I guess. Mother was dismissive and unavailable, father was extremely abusive, with odd flashes of kindness. Prior to therapy I did not trust anyone. Now I trust that t cares for me and will always feel that care and hold me in positive regard. That just is.
That said, it is still painful at times. I have DID so there are varying degrees of healed-ness in me. Although t is now ex-t we still have contact and the attachment is secure on one level, and perhaps still insecure on others. Some internal ones are dismissive of her and have no desire to contact or attach to her at all. So not all of me is securely attached. But me and the ones that matter are.

Thanks for noting that you didn't know what type of attachment you had. I think that's what I was looking for (and didn't say) in my post. My fault. I'm glad some parts of you are healed and sad that others aren't. It's good that you know the ones who matter are healed.

UglyDucky · Aug 30, 2016, 12:38 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Brown Owl

I think I'm insecurely attached to my T. I was quite independent as a child, not by choice, so I guess that means I wasn't well attached to my parents. I can really identify with the tossing and turning. I often feel ok my therapy during the day, but at night I toss and turn, and feel a lot of difficult feelings. I imagine there are some people who find going to therapy warm and lovely. I hope maybe I'll get there one day?

Thanks, Brown Owl...I, too, was quite independent, mostly out of necessity. Thus, I avoided attaching to a caregiver that was not available or neglected me...I still can't recall those attachment years. This tossing and turning is a new thing for me...T says I'm processing. Yes, I hope both of us get to the warm and lovely therapy sessions one day. If you get there before I do, post here!!

UglyDucky · Aug 30, 2016, 02:16 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by objectclient

Attachment...

If you read my recent thread about the fact I'm still hurting after termination months ago, you'll understand where I'm coming from when I say that attachment to Ts is in my experience purely painful.

When I'm in therapy, I hate feeling so powerless due to the way that the nature of the relationship reels me in, causing greater attachment while the T has the power at any time to terminate therapy, impose tighter boundaries and distance themselves from me, thus reinforcing my ambivalent attachment style and re-traumatizing me with another relationship in which I feel it's inevitable that I'm going to be let down. I have realized that although I've never said so, I always want more out of the relationship that Ts can give me, as they can probably gather from how often I need support outside of sessions and my general clingy behavior. However, (for obvious reasons) I cannot meet the emotional needs that therapy has brought to the surface by means of my relationships with T. I think one T tried to do this by being more flexible with the boundaries and allowing hugs but then it started to feel painful that this is what I had been missing my whole life. Even then, the attachment wasn't enough. I still craved more and I started to feel that although I wanted this level of attachment, it was suffocating me and making me angry at the same time. All of this = pain. Perhaps that is why I push Ts away and have a kind of push-pull relationship. This again = pain. I try to get Ts to give up on me out of anger or despair but then they don't and that in itself is painful. If I do manage to damage the relationship in some way, I then panic that T will leave me and try to mend things asap. What a mess

However, as for where this attachment originates, I have no idea. I know it must be a repeat of my early relationships with caregivers but there is nothing to suggest my parents were neglectful or abusive, quite the contrary, and my memories date back to the age of 3 or 4 without any gaps, which I've read is normal.

I can definitely say that having no idea of the cause has made it all the more difficult to understand my attachment style or that it was my attachment style that was causing me difficulties in the first place.

Thanks, objectclient. That was a lot of painful information. I emailed the support team here, asking how I could attach an article to a PM, so I didn't just give up on you. Still waiting for a reply. But, in those articles I want to send you, the problem with ET is based primarily on the counter-transference that can develop. More experienced Ts handle transference and counter-transference better.

Sometimes we can't see any obvious clues of neglect or abuse in our family dynamics as children, but looking closer in relation to how everyone interacted, there may be small infractions. It doesn't have to be a huge trauma to cause problems. So much of what you wrote resonated w/me. I'm keeping T at arms length, but I don't want it that way. I'm beginning to think that I have a fear of being loved, because somewhere in my lost memories, being loved was a painful experience. I hope your painful attachment eventually becomes more pleasurable.