[scallion5]

Venting/looking for support

- Had been working w T 5 years, really hard, prob should have left earlier, lots didn't improve, but some things did
- Work had been super stressful. In May had worst depression since late teens, self-harming, suicidal
- Got through it and had three months off for study in a different location - took a complete break from T
- The break was good! Focused on self. No stresses - didn't have to cook/clean,etc. Everything was provided. Refueled. Thought of him often.
- Before I left, had been reassured he'd "be there" when I got back. He even tried to give me a small framed item to help me remember this. He wrote in a note that he was proud and wanted me to go knowing that I can "return to the work" with him upon return.

I email him yesterday asking to set up appointment. I actually delayed a week because I was really afraid he wouldn't be there or would "get rid of me," (a constant fear throughout my therapy due to my history.). I finally got up the courage to trust him and sent a note asking if we could set something up.

He replies that at the moment he has no time to offer me.

I took that as he has no time for me. I call him freaked out because he had given me such reassurance that I would be able to "come back." I was afraid I was replaced or punished for leaving. He calls back. We speak. At first he just explains that there isn't time. I am confused so ask what is going on. He explains he's consolidating his practice. Something happened over the summer (he can't say what) but that his health/well being are OK, but he has dramatically reduced his hours. He doesn't have a regular opening for me.

I have no idea what happened over the summer, I can only assume the worst. I feel awful. He shifts something around to see me in a week.

I know that we're just going to have to say goodbye. I feel really sad. Sadder than I thought. To be honest, I was planning on going in and talking about decreasing/maybe ending, but wanted to know I could go back if I needed given where I was 3 months ago. Now it just feels...like it's been ripped out of my hands. I don't know whether to trust him that "something happened" or if he really is consolidating his hours.

Obviously, I don't begrudge him his own life. I just wish it didn't keep intruding and confirming all my fears and making me feel like ****.

But maybe its a blessing in disguise I was gone during whatever "it" was that happened. I doubt I would've taken it well then.

I know it's time to leave. I am scared. I felt better because I had no stresses, but now I'm back in a grueling job. And on top of it losing an important support in my life. I'm scared...and I feel like every time I try and trust someone with this "healing from childhood trauma" stuff I get royally f'd.

[mostlylurking]

I hope you're able to tell him all your feelings when you see him. He may not have a regular slot open, but he may be able to see you a few times on an irregular schedule, and he might be able to waitlist you for a regular time.

He also might have terminated with a lot of his clientele when this event happened over the summer (whatever it was) and it might show how much he values you, that he's made time even when he's drastically reducing hours. I hope he's forthright about what's going on, when you see him.

Whatever it was, it sounds major and not related to you, but I understand it can still feel like abandonment even when the rational part of one's brain knows that isn't the case. Try to hold tight till you see him, and remember the caring he showed for you the last time you saw him in person.

[kecanoe]

He did shift things around when he heard you say how much you needed it. I have major abandonment issues, so I get it. But maybe Mostly is right and you can get in at odd times until his schedule frees up some. You may not have to say goodbye now.

[scallion5]

This forum severely lacks knowledge in validating.

He did shift something around.

I am definitely saying goodbye. He made that pretty clear.

[kecanoe]

Originally Posted by scallion5

This forum severely lacks knowledge in validating.

He did shift something around.

I am definitely saying goodbye. He made that pretty clear.

I am sorry. I meant to be validating.

[mostlylurking]

Originally Posted by scallion5

This forum severely lacks knowledge in validating.

He did shift something around.

I am definitely saying goodbye. He made that pretty clear.

However it was that he made that clear, you didn't describe it in your original message so I was left with the impression that there was a lot of uncertainty. Therefore my first bit of advice -- the sort I would want myself -- was along the lines of "don't panic, wait for more info."

If you know for sure you can only see him this one last time (did he say that?) -- that's really awful. I would be very upset and anxious. I'm so sorry.