[granite1]

i dont know what hit me in T today. i was already in panic mode as i was heading there. she asked me how i was doing .wanted to know if i was in a better place . i said about the same . she said again that i was not in a good frame of mind when i left last week and wanted to know if i was going to talk to her about it . i felt horrible .i know i treated her badly last week i refused to talk to her i felt she was attacking me because she said i was projecting stuff on to her and she told me to not do that .my head has been so messed up with so much going on with the mother .i cant get her out of my head . i apologized to my T and she sternly said to stop apologizing to her . that terrified me and i started to cry .i didnt know how to fix what i did . she said when i apologize so much i think she is judging me and that is not the case at all. that i did nothing wrong last week. she wanted me to see how the mother affects me . she wanted me to talk about what was messing with my head . she said that it was time and i need to start working on this. she then asked me what was the worst thing going on in my head at that very moment . i just went ice cold .my blood just froze.it drained from every part of my body. THE MOTHERS VOICE was all i could say. i swear i was going to pass out. i think i must have gone completely pale because my T got up and grabbed the pillow on the other side of the couch .i wanted her to know i felt like ice i told her and she put the pillow on my lap and told me to hold on to that and to know that in this room i am safe . again i told her it was the mothers voice that messed with my head . im still freezing . she asked me what about her voice bothered me . it terrified me .i told her i had no words to describe that voice but i know it.she told me i didnt need to have words,that she understood and wanted again to know what hearing that voice meant. ice cold that is howi felt .i told het it was the voice of when she was upset angry . she asked me what would happen when i heard that voice .i tried but i couldnt say the words . i said whatever different things . my T said you would get hurt . it is the voice of evil and i need to get it out of my head.she said that im imprinted with it and we need to change it . i said i have no idea if that could happen. she told me it isnt real . but it seems real to me . she said that she does know how to help me but i need to let her . all of this happened in what seemed like forever but it was only about maybe 15 min . we spent the rest of the time counting and breathing and imaging how it might be without that voice in my head . she just wanted me to breath ,sit quietly and try to let go and just feel some quiet peace .she let me say what i would think it would be like and we would do more breathing . it actually seemed to help me not be so freaked out .but only 15 min of talking and the rest of the time to calm me down .i dont know how that is helpful .yes it felt nice to calmly sit there and my blood did start running through my body again . why do i get so terrified .

granite i am wanting to hug you so much right now. you are doing such brave, incredible work!! i am so very proud of you. i am sending all the healing energy i can muster to you this evening. good, good work my friend.

[stopdog]

It sounds hard but good.

[growlycat]

Granite I think your ability to put all of this into words here has become more detailed and less vague which seems like a huge improvement. Talking isn't the only important part of therapy The "corrective emotional experiences" change the brain too. Hugs to you and all of your hard work

Those profoundly physical reactions are frightening, but your T's quick attunement to what was happening was awesome. That time spent calming and breathing is actually invaluable. What you experienced is that there are means by which you can regain control and safety for yourself and within yourself. Yes, your T guided you through that, and in time you may find you start internalizing some of that ability on your own. You have an amazing therapist, and you are making growth through very difficult issues.

[mostlylurking]

It sounds almost like you were going into physical shock because of how strongly that voice affects you... but your T is there to guide you out of it. And I like what lolagrace said, you'll be able to internalize that calming down process eventually... you'll hear your T in your head instead, helping you calm down. That makes me wonder... would your T let you record her, talking you through some of the relaxation stuff? If you could listen to her voice every day and practice that, maybe her voice would grow and counteract some of the other internal voices, a bit.

I've only been terrified once in a therapy session and it was a bit different (felt like I was sprinting, I was out of breath and thought I would have a heart attack)... but unfortunately I think that's how we know we're getting to something very important. Really brave of you granite.

[unaluna]

Youre doing really really good work.

You know, all our relatives etc dont see this part, that she scared the carp out of us and that it is still a part of us in a pretty horrible way. Maybe thats what appealed to me so much about Bronte's Jane Eyre. Its like having a monster living in the attic - im not complaining, but dont expect me to be living a normal life, inviting you over for coffee, driving you to the doctors. I was given this monster as part of my inheritance. Please dont pretend you dont see it - you gave it to me.

[ruh roh]

It's great that you were able to tell her what you were thinking/feeling, and that she responded so kindly.

[velcro003]

Granite, I echo everyone in here, especially Lola and Mostly....it is so so hard, but you are doing it little by little.

[granite1]

usually i just shut down but she wouldn't let me . it was nice to feel so calm and safe there but how does it help me when im not in her office. she said it isint going to be instant but i can stop the thoughts that mess with my head . that they might always be there but not so big and controlling. i dont see that happening.