Non-attachment to next T

What are things that one would look for in a T in order to NOT get attached? BUT still maintain a healthy connection/rapport.

I'm probably going to need a new T after my current T and I terminate. T thinks I should start off with 6 sessions and go from there. This is just to help me with the termination; not to work on any life issues. If something major ever happens, I can go back to T for short-term. If I want to do more work in a general sense, then I see another T short-term.

Both T and I don't want me to get attached to another T. She came up with a couple of suggestions. First, to go on psychology today and look at the Ts. The ones I'm drawn to: skip. The ones I'd pass over: try out. Second, she suggested a male T. I don't interact with men much aside from family. Attachment wise, I'm drawn towards women. I have a fear of possibly developing sexual feelings for a male T. My T says if it happens, to talk to the T about it **shivers** My mom says to pick an old, ugly, fat guy...

One thing we did agree on is that I need a T with experience and good boundaries. No comforting, hugging, touchy-feely type.

Are there any traits/modalities I should look for? Are there any I should avoid? Should I still look for a DBT T?

Thoughts?

What's wrong or bad about attachment? Old, ugly guy may still result in attachment feelings and parental transference.

Attachment hurts too much. And my level of attachment with women professionals is unhealthy. I cling to them emotionally. Depend on them. And when they leave, which they always do, I'm left with a gapping bleeding wound.

Attachment is how we connect to others. We can't control that. It's not a 'dirty secret' type thing.

To be honest I haven't felt any real pain in my attachment t my T. Sometimes I would even say that I am not attached. Without thinking in depth about it I wouldn't really know and I don't want to think about it right now.

What I am getting at is that by being everything I need, there is no pain or longing or heartache or preoccupation in an unhealthy way. Ie, if I want a hug I get one, so there isn't this unspoken desire that isn't met. If I want to tell her I think she is crappy then I can and she takes it and we talk about it. If I want to give her a gift she accepts it graciously. If I want to draw and sit in silence then we can do this and it feels peaceful, if I want to play then we interact with each other during play. All of this has really helped me feel at ease with the relationship unlike my last T who was not in a position to provide what I needed and so led to an unhealthy attachment to her.

I don't know if that makes sense but it does to me.

I appreciate that this isn't what you are looking for really but you may find that actually the attachment is borne out of your needs NOT being met and so in any relationship this could occur. Sorry I may not have been at all helpful.

Oh no! I haven't been keeping track of PC like I normally do, but what's going on with you and your current T? You're terminating? Why? Is it her choice or yours?

ETA.... I'm so sorry, I just found your "preparing for termination" thread....and answered my own question!

I am going to be honest: I think it's insane that your T wants to terminale after two years. There should not be a time limit, you are ready when you are ready. I Know you don't have a choice but it sucks. Now about another therapist: I don't see what is wrong with attachement but even if you wanted to avoid that, how do you know you are not going to develop attachement with an ugly guy ? Attachement issues are strong.
Do you think you will be motivated enough to do the work and to show up with someone you don't care about ?

I don't know... if you choose a new T this way, is there any likelihood that you would be motivated to work with them and that you would find them useful? Maybe trying a male would be interesting but perhaps not going as far as choosing one who is repulsive?

My personal opinion is that if you have issues with attachment, meaning a tendency to get overly and painfully attached, perhaps it's a better way to get conditioned by allowing yourself to explore in multiple ways rather than avoiding it and cultivating fear?

Well truly old man would probably be already retired and not practicing. Fat (do you mean overweight?) people could still be attractive. You don't think heavy people could possibly be attractive? As about ugly it's very subjective. Plenty of not traditionally good looking men might be still be attractive due to character features or what not. I really am puzzled by old/ugly/fat suggestion.

Other than that I have never been attached to any t. I only see women and I prefer older.

Why not find a therapist who specializes in attachment issues?

I think this strategy could backfire. You could still become attached even if there's no initial attraction, you could not work at all with the new therapist, you could resent the new therapist.

The six sessions idea sounds better to me than the pick a therapist who doesn't attract you bit.

Just to clarify, the "old, ugly, fat" was my mom's suggestion to not become sexually attracted. No, I have nothing against older people, over-weight people or people who don't fit society's standards of beauty. Both my fiance and I fit the later two categories.

I know many of you disagree with my T. But I can't change the "two year" rule. It's happening whether I like it or not. And as of right now, I kind of agree. I need support in my life right now. Mental and emotional support. My mom thinks she can be that support, but she can't. We already know my fiance can't be fully. And I have no friends. Friends would be the ideal solution. I don't need a full on T right now. I'm not going to be making any big improvements anymore. I know skills and my past has been explored enough. So having a T I don't develop an attachment to could be a good thing... I hope.

Anyways, I'm going to try it out. It's different than what I have been doing, so maybe it will work? Like the definition of insanity: doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results. And if it doesn't, then I'll try something different again.

And I'm not saying I don't want a connection. I just don't want an extreme attachment. Like where I miss them in between sessions, or need extra contact (excluding emergencies), or depending on a hug.

We see the many people suffering from attachment to their Ts. It's painful. Why not try to start out with stricter boundaries? Or a different gender of a T? Is that really worse than attachment?

I am not attached to my new T. The trick is only see them when absolutely necessary or as needed. I am also one who has the tendency to get attached to female Ts and see them as mother figures and it is always painful when we separate or when one of us leaves. I don't hug my new T or talk to her about attachment issues just basically what is going on in my life and things that are working or not working. I use her pretty much as a sounding board. I don't want to get attached to her and end up hurt so it works for me.

Lol that might not stop sexual and loving feelings take it from me. Sparky may be attractive but past t's of mine have not had the fortune of the Clooney effect (getting hotter as they age etc)

I think maybe it has more to do with you than the therapist. It's like removing stuff you're addicted to - it only goes far, eventually you have to address why you're addicted.

I know why it happens. I've been attached to women since at least 5 years old. It's because of my mom neglecting me due to family dynamics. It's also because I've never been good at making friends and I've been abandoned so much. But there's nothing left to process. My past is my past. I've talked for years about it. Nothing more is going to change.

But yes I agree that the problem lies with me.

I also have attachment issues with older women. I deliberately chose a male T and I feel I made the right choice. He was physically attractive but I had only the mildest attachment (because I was telling him my deepest secrets). I didn't allow myself to focus on his looks and it never became an issue. Also, he was pretty open with me and I could tell that I probably would never have been friends with him outside of therapy. He helped me resolve my obsessive attachment to an older woman.

Sure, you've processed, and done a good job, too. But, and please correct me if I'm wrong, but knowledge of why we do things is just step one. Fixing the way we do things is step two. I can't quite believe that for any of us there is never anything left to change or improve in our lives; it does often feel that way, but that doesn't make it so.

Of course, if I were your therapist, I'd probably tell you to go find the therapist you'd be most likely to attach to and work through it that way, on the principle that to fix your weaknesses you deal with them as much as possible (so if your backhand is your weak shot, you hit nothing but backhands till it gets better), so take anything I say with a very large grain of salt.

I couldn't agree with this more.

Not to diss the Ts you've had, but have you ever had a T who is comfortable with your attachment -- which is really not the same as saying they'll respond to it the exact way you'd like them to -- and has been consistently available to you?

From personal experience, I can tell you that the difference between a T who doesn't shy away from a client's attachment / dependence and one who does is like night and day -- it's similar to how children intensely and instinctively (in most circumstances) "know" who is a real adult (not just by chronological age) who can be trusted with their emotions and (with who they can be their 'real' selves and) who isn't.

Wholeheartedly agree that there is nothing wrong with attachment. If you can't work on it in therapy where else would you?

What would fixing it look like? I don't mean the outcome. I mean the process. I just don't see how it could be any different from what I've already experienced. I'm not doubing all of your opinions. They seem valid. But I don't understand how therapy could be any different.

Sure attachment in therapy is painful. But the rewards are so great. Only you know what is best for you. Just saying if the non attachment route doesn't work there are still other ways.

I feel like I owe you a better rxplanation how attachment helps in therapy but I'm at a loss. It's hard to imagine it from the perspective of only being able to see a t short term. I have a hard time seeing short term therapy being good for deep trauma. I have to think about it more.

I would hazard that if you know what is causing the problem, by carefully observing your reactions *and then changing them* until the new reaction becomes the habit, not the old reaction, is the way towards fixing it.

One reason I started therapy was because I was desperately unhappy in my marriage. I knew that, and I had an idea it was probably abusive, but I seemed unable to break the cycle and I just remained passively suffering in the relationship. In a scenario like that, the therapist serves less as someone to talk to to figure out stuff and more as a kind of set of water wings little kids use when they're learning to swim. They're a support, they back you up while you're changing your habits - so mine supported me while I broke the pattern of being passive in my marriage and ultimately opted to leave.

I agree with you that you probably have talked everything out. But I could know where the richest gold mine in the world was and it wouldn't do me any good unless I set out to go there and mine it.

If I did not want to get attached, I would look for someone who uses EMDR or SE or brain spotting. I have found that I get way less attached to ts using those modalities. Or perhaps seek out a DBT group. I think it is harder to get attached in a group setting.