[ScarletPimpernel]

I know there's a separate thread for "In session today", but I wanted it on it's own to document it for myself. I want to be able to find it, and reread it, and remember what happened today. 9 sessions left. Got to make them all count! I wish I recorded this session. All the little bits of reassurance would be nice to hold onto.

I don't remember the order of events...

She started by asking how I was. I replied "Wonderful" to which she replied "Not so wonderful, eh?" (It's a little joke between us because I will never say wonderful.)

I asked her what happens if she dies? How would I be notified if I'm not her client? She said she has to keep my file for 7 years since the last contact with her. She said whoever is the therapist that gets her files when she dies, will contact all of them and let them know. She said she'll try not to die though.

I asked her if anything in her office was hers (she shares her office with another T). She said a lamp and a couple books were hers, but the rest was the other T's. She joked that I couldn't judge her about the decorations.

I asked her why she always kept a sweater or scarf with her, but never wore it. She said she gets cold easily and it's hard for her to warm up. I asked why she didn't just leave it on the other chair and she said it was because she didn't want to interrupt a session if she needed it.

We talked about how I don't trust that she won't abandon me. She asked me if I wanted to trust her. I said 100%. She said that's good. She asked how much I trust her. I said a little, but couldn't give a percentage. She said that's good too. I told her that because of my past, I have to be realistic with myself that she could abandon me. She said it's good to have a little hope, that having hope won't change how much abandonment will hurt me. She then reiterated that she's not going to abandon me. I told her I feel like that saying "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me", except I'm on "Fool me for the 10th time..." considering how many times I've gotten attached and then abandoned. She said it's not the same. No one has ever purposefully distanced themselves from me like she's doing, so it's a completely new situation for me.

She talked about how she's not going to abandon me. That she was going to try to help me with both the attachment and abandonment. For the attachment, she wants me to learn to the relationship will stay the same even if you don't see each other consistently. She said at times I will not feel so attached, and at other times I will. And when I need to, I can reach out and she'll be there. As for the abandonment, she said she could stay with me for 10years straight of weekly sessions, but she wouldn't be helping me and she would consider herself lazy. But even though I won't see her consistently, she will still be there for me and won't abandon me like others did.

We talked about how I worry that she's not going to be there both physically and emotionally. She was the one who suggested that I can email her simply asking "Are you there?" and she'll simply respond "Yes, I'm here." (Like the thread about texting T for a connection!). She also said I can of course email, call, or make an appointment if I need emotional support...even if it's simply to reconnect.

I cried like 3 times in session. I apologized because I was struggling so much, and because I've also been off my meds for 2 days (didn't realize I needed a new refill, and haven't been able to get ahold of my Pdoc). She told me to call the pharmacy in the morning, and that she will call my Pdoc even though Thursday is my Pdoc's day off. She joked that she was special because she had my Pdoc's personal cell number. Every time I broke down crying, she told me it was okay. She reassured me that she knew this was really hard for me. She even gave me kleenex!

We talked a little bit about how I feel like I'm being replaced and how I'm jealous of her clients. I told her I worry I'm just a number to her. She was very literal and said all her clients have names. She said she treats all her clients differently, that none receive the same treatment, and each treatment is tailored to the client. I said that's why she gives all her clients rocks as a transitional object. She said she only does that for clients who ask and would benefit from it.

We hugged at the end as always and I thanked her. Right before I left, I asked her if I emailed too much last week (3 times). She said no, that I'm allowed to email so long as I need it.

The main thing I need to hold onto from the session is that she is NOT leaving me. Even though we are terminating long-term therapy. Even though there will be times apart where I won't consistently get to see her. She is NOT leaving me. She is NOT abandoning me. As long as she is able to, she will be there for me as my T.

[gayleggg]

Sounds like you have a very thoughtful T and sounds like she knows what she's doing.

[bounceback]

Glad it well went SP. I know how hard this is for you. At least she is still willing to see you after you terminate and is willing to stay in touch.