As some people might have read on dear T, at 2am this morning T1 sent me a message. In it he said he had separated from his wife and moved away and "perhaps we can catch up?" and to use his personal email, which he included.
I am really confused and conflicted. I don't know what this communication means. Is this an invitation for friendship? If it is can I handle that? Is he just lonely and wanting to unload? Was he drunk (@2am)? Why would he tell me he had separated from his wife?
Part of me wants to tell him what an *** he is for thinking it's okay to message me and unsettle me like this. Another part of me isn't ready to completely shut off the possibility of ever communicating with him again. I also wouldnt feel right about telling him to eff off if he's in a vulnerable place right now (though I know it shouldn't be my concern, I still care about him).
If nothing else this is real vindication for me in terms of how he has put himself first, and how inappropriate his feelings were/are towards me (or at least how he deals with them).
I don't know what to do. I've talked to a couple of friends (trainees) and they see it as clear cut and can't understand why I'm having trouble telling him to get lost. I have nearly a week to wait to see T.

[Out There]

I understand it's not as clear cut as telling him to get lost as there are complex feelings involved. He clearly wasn't cut out to be a T - he should know better than to do this. Maybe go back to the letter you wrote and the thread from the last time this happened. He times it really badly when he does this too.

[songofthesea]

I'm afraid I'm not familiar with your situation, but when did you stop seeing T1?

This doesn't seem that confusing from the outside, but I imagine from the inside it is very unsettling. Simply put, he is no longer prioritising your interests ahead of his - which is his obligation as a therapist. This email suggests he is putting his own needs above yours.

Perhaps he was drunk and lonely when he sent it, in which case he is probably feeling very regretful and embarrassed.

Of course, you had a close relationship if he was your therapist, and you will have problems telling him to get lost.

Again, without knowing your situation, you could calmly and firmly tell him something along the lines of: "I am sorry to hear that you are having a hard time right now, and I hope things start to improve for you soon. However, I'm not sure how appropriate it would be for us to enter into regular communication - but know that you have my sympathies".

Thanks OT, I just went back and read that letter. I wonder whether I should just send it to him (or some revised version) once and for all. Or something else, I don't know. I don't feel like I can gauge my own feelings enough to know what a true response would look like.

Songofthesea - thanks. I went on a break from him nearly two years ago because his inconsistent boundaries were hurting me. A few months later I saw him for a single 'goodbye' session after deciding not to go back.
Last time he contacted me (March this year) I was polite but didn't encourage further communication. The idea of directly telling him not to contact me terrifies me.

[growlycat]

If i were in the same place I'd be conflicted too. My head screams run away that he is trouble. But feelings get in the way. Listen to your head this time if you can.

[junkDNA]

I understand your ambivalence. It seems to me he has an interest in you...friendly and/or romantic. I think he's felt this way a while because I remember him refusing to talk about your transference and invalidating it. If that makes sense. In my opinion he is being unprofessional even if he is not your T anymore, or not a T at all

[LonesomeTonight]

I'd also be conflicted. I will say that the combination of his sending it at 2 a.m., mentioning he left his wife, and telling you to contact him at his personal e-mail address makes me wonder if he could possibly be looking for more than just platonic friendship? (I mean, that's the first place my mind would jump to if, say, my marriage counselor sent me an e-mail like that. Well, after "WTF?") But maybe I'm reading too much in there, and he might simply want support/friendship. The question is how that would affect you...

I'd take a little time to think about how you want to respond. I think it would be good to say *something*, it's just a matter of whether it's just "I'm sorry you're going through a rough time right now" without saying much more than that. Or if you want to open the door to catching up and possibly ending up in a place of providing him support. But I completely understand you not wanting to tell him to go away forever. Even though he wasn't great for you as a T, I'm sure you still care about him. So, yeah, I don't know...

Thanks everyone. If he is looking for more than friendship he is deluded. He is 30 years my senior and I am married. I did have a period of ET but he never knew about it.
I am wondering if I could say something along the lines of asking him what his intentions are. H reckons I should ignore him altogether.

Originally Posted by junkDNA

I I remember him refusing to talk about your transference and invalidating it. If that makes sense.

Thanks for remembering that. Yeah I always felt it was thinly-veiled avoidance of addressing countertransference. I wonder if he has acknowledged whatever those feelings are yet.

[Out There]

He may have known about the ET and wouldn't go there - and he may be being a bit manipulative here because he knows about it. Very messy. He sets you off in a big way.

Reply only with a cease and desist. Keep a copy of it, and let that be the end of it.

Originally Posted by Out There

He may have known about the ET and wouldn't go there - and he may be being a bit manipulative here because he knows about it. Very messy. He sets you off in a big way.

Do you think he could have known?

[Ellahmae]

Originally Posted by Echos Myron

Do you think he could have known?

There are a lot of things my T knows that I haven't told her. As I want to become a T we talk sometimes (confidentially, I know no names or details) about clients and how some of them have ET or feelings for her, etc. Different things - but she knows from actions, looks, non-verbals, etc. She doesn't discuss it with them unless they bring it up, but she's never been wrong once they do.

If he did know it is even worse to tell me he has separated from his wife. I have zero ET for him now.

[Ellahmae]

Agreed. If he did know then and he's texting you at 0200 and no longer a T, that screams danger to me even more and he should never be a T again. I'm so glad you have current T. Of course, he may not have been as attuned to his clients the way my T is, yet - then I think of the 'iceberg' story and adding it all up in my head gives me the icky willies.

Originally Posted by Echos Myron

If he did know it is even worse to tell me he has separated from his wife. I have zero ET for him now.

Originally Posted by Ellahmae

Agreed. If he did know then and he's texting you at 0200 and no longer a T, that screams danger to me even more and he should never be a T again. I'm so glad you have current T. Of course, he may not have been as attuned to his clients the way my T is, yet - then I think of the 'iceberg' story and adding it all up in my head gives me the icky willies.

Yeah. Thinking about that and the "beautiful and alluring butterfly" thing he also wrote about me at the same time. I don't want to add 2+2 and make 5 though...

[feralkittymom]

I honestly don't think his intentions matter. His actions are not only unprofessional, but a betrayal of his former relationship to you as your T. That speaks volumes. I really understand having conflicted feelings about this, but he should understand, too; that he doesn't, makes any communication/relationship impossible. I would ignore him entirely--no response. Any response only risks further enmeshment with no benefit.

Every ethical guideline I'm aware of recognizes that a therapist never loses their potential for influence psychologically. That doesn't mean that there cannot be a non-therapeutic relationship post-therapy, but an ethical therapist never loses sight of their obligation to a former client.

Originally Posted by feralkittymom

I honestly don't think his intentions matter. His actions are not only unprofessional, but a betrayal of his former relationship to you as your T. That speaks volumes. I really understand having conflicted feelings about this, but he should understand, too; that he doesn't, makes any communication/relationship impossible. I would ignore him entirely--no response. Any response only risks further enmeshment with no benefit.

Every ethical guideline I'm aware of recognizes that a therapist never loses their potential for influence psychologically. That doesn't mean that there cannot be a non-therapeutic relationship post-therapy, but an ethical therapist never loses sight of their obligation to a former client.

Thanks. His lack of concern for me all round is kind of apparent. He said "you must be nearly qualified by now" in spite of me telling him in March that I had over two years left to study. It's like he's not interested or listening.
So I'm not sure he has considered my feelings at all. It seems to me he's not stupid, so what does that make him? Completely self-centred?

But what's that voice on my other shoulder? Ah yes... its saying "But what if you address this with him and resolve it? Couldn't you transition to a friendship then?"

Echos I understand your conflicted feelings and I also think your t is playing on them. Of course he knows about your ET, he could probably sense it. It's your decision at the end of the day and every part of me is yelling "run Echos, run" but another part of me would want to be special to my t. You are clear that he abused his position when he was your therapist by using you to meet his needs so what makes you think this is any different?
I know I am a fine one to talk as I have allowed my t to take advantage of me but I understand that this is a very young and wounded part of me that longs for connection. Look at all the work and the healing you have done with your current t, he would never take advantage or use you like this. I really think he should not be practising at the moment and wonder is he drinking a lot or did he try something with another client and this is why his wife left him.

[feralkittymom]

And it may be valuable to engage with that voice on your shoulder--with your current T. Your past T just isn't fit to engage in that conversation. Maybe that wish for a functional friendship with him isn't really about him, but about some other need?

Originally Posted by monalisasmile

Echos I understand your conflicted feelings and I also think your t is playing on them. Of course he knows about your ET, he could probably sense it. It's your decision at the end of the day and every part of me is yelling "run Echos, run" but another part of me would want to be special to my t. You are clear that he abused his position when he was your therapist by using you to meet his needs so what makes you think this is any different?
I know I am a fine one to talk as I have allowed my t to take advantage of me but I understand that this is a very young and wounded part of me that longs for connection. Look at all the work and the healing you have done with your current t, he would never take advantage or use you like this. I really think he should not be practising at the moment and wonder is he drinking a lot or did he try something with another client and this is why his wife left him.

The thought of him knowing about that makes me very uncomfortable. It really had nothing to do with him and was all about power.
I'm also very curious about what happened with his marriage, and I felt from his message that he would tell me (he was like "Long story. Perhaps we could catch up?"). I wondered whether it could have something to do with infidelity from something else he mentioned about with his current situation (which might identify him so I can't write it here).
Yeah curiosity is a big factor.

Originally Posted by feralkittymom

And it may be valuable to engage with that voice on your shoulder--with your current T. Your past T just isn't fit to engage in that conversation. Maybe that wish for a functional friendship with him isn't really about him, but about some other need?

I honestly thought my desire for friendship with him had gone. But you might not think you're hungry till you're offered a big slice of cake on a plate.
I do need to talk to T about this, but iI don't see him till next week.

Could you ring or email your t? I think he would like you to let him support you through this knowing all the pain last t and his loose boundaries caused you.

Originally Posted by monalisasmile

Could you ring or email your t? I think he would like you to let him support you through this knowing all the pain last t and his loose boundaries caused you.

I feel like I've been demanding a lot of his time recently so I don't really want to bother him. I looked at the email he sent me last time I got unsolicited communication from T1 and it said to remember I didn't have to respond, and to wait and notice what feelings emerge, and that we could talk about what I want to do in session. I doubt he would say anything different this time.

Originally Posted by Echos Myron

I feel like I've been demanding a lot of his time recently so I don't really want to bother him. I looked at the email he sent me last time I got unsolicited communication from T1 and it said to remember I didn't have to respond, and to wait and notice what feelings emerge, and that we could talk about what I want to do in session. I doubt he would say anything different this time.

Sounds like really good advice! Did it help the last time?