More contact from T1

Yes, but I still responded to T1 last time, but I just kept it polite and said good luck with the future. This time my response would be a bit more complex because he has made a major personal disclosure to me there. And because my tactic of being polite but not verbose clearly didn't have the desired effect of communicating I didn't want to speak to him.
It seems like whenever I respond (if I do) I will have ages to wait to talk to T unless I contact him before seeing T which aso seems like a bad idea.

Agreeance 100%. All of this is bizarre.
Mhmmm...another huge red flag.
Agreed.

(coming out of lurker mode)

I think it's worth a mid-week phone call to your current T.

Invitations for friendship don't come by way of a 2am text mentioning separation from wife. Sorry this guy opened up a can of worms for you. You do get to control how far the lid of the can is going to be opened, and, how quickly it can be closed, too. It's highly unlikely this guys intentions are innocent or ethical. I hope you find your truth soon so you can try to put this to rest.

When I send emails at 2 am, they tend to be because I wasn't able to sleep and got fixated on the idea that emailing whoever would be a good idea. It's usually not.

I'd ignore him. If he does it again, I'd probably ignore that one too.

I've listened to you guys and emailed my T this morning. I'm still not sure what I want to do. I feel more certain that if I do contact him it will be to instill a boundary. It's so hard though. Feelings are very good at getting in the way of common sense.

That's good that you e-mailed your T. Hopefully he'll have some words of wisdom for you. As for your last line, I completely agree. If I was in your situation, I'd know what I *should* do (not respond or just send a brief response setting a boundary), but that doesn't necessarily mean I would do it... Because, like you said, feelings...

No response from him yet. Not sure whether he will as he doesn't always. And he doesn't work on Fridays though he sometimes answers emails. If he doesn't reply I will have to think for myself what I'm going to do, and I don't think I'll do anything till after the weekend.

Can't get my mind off this. Nothing back from T. I have a feeling that being alone with these thoughts tonight could lead to me at least drafting a response to T1 if not sending one. All the barriers to responding seem flimsy.

Sometimes the best thing to do when we don't know what to do is do nothing. I know feelings get in the way , and we react rather than respond. But if someone is playing a game with us and knocks the ball into our court , if we just sit on the ball and do nothing the game can't continue till we do. I understand the barriers to responding seem flimsy - when a person has got under our skin and pushed our buttons ( I'm a fine one to talk. ) we all do it. Maybe sitting on the ball till you can talk to your T would be a masterstroke , a rash move is easier though , we want to tell these people how they've hurt us.

Thanks. "We want to tell these people how they hurt us." This is definitely true.
His whole "Hiya [Echos] how's things?" type joviality completely misses the months and months of pain I went through after I stopped seeing him. I don't know if I can go on allowing him to ignore how much he hurt me. I mean, how can he be oblivious? I was on the verge of tears in my last session with him (and I very rarely cry). It beggars belief.

I don't know if I can go on allowing him to ignore how much he hurt me.

It's frustrating to be sure, but you don't have the power to "allow" him to do anything. He will do and think whatever he will--and I think he's shown you that he isn't concerned about your boundaries. Your only power is over what you choose to do and think about your feelings. Maybe that's something to talk about with your current T when you see him.

Is it Maya Angelou who has been often quoted in our current political climate: " When someone shows you who they are, believe them."

You even got an opinion from Hillary Rodham Clinton on this on friday. "What kind of man is posting on the computer in the middle of the night...?!"

Thanks FKM I didn't email him last night and I should be pretty distracted this weekend so I'm unlikely to contact him until at least Monday. One thing that stopped me is that I really have no idea what I would say to him. There are so many different versions of a potential reply, coming from many different parts of me: the angry response, the professional response, the friendly response, the caring response, the indifferent response. I think you are right that I need to work out my feelings with current T first.
I am a little concerned because I have had minor ruptures over T's seeming reluctance to continue to talk about T1 after all this time. He was fine with it at first, but I sense he is a little frustrated with it now. Last time T1 contacted me he totally failed to see it from my point of view and he once called discussion about T1 a "cul de sac". Now he hasn't responded to my email, which is quite unusual but not unheard of. I'm willing to give him the benefit of the doubt over that, as he doesn't work Fridays (but has emailed me before on Fridays), but I'm concerned it's going to be difficult to work through this with him.

Haha thanks una, that made me laugh (and is very true!)

T finally emailed back:

I want to acknowledge that I have received and read your email. It seems to me to warrant some careful consideration. See you Wednesday.

I emailed back:

Yeah, no kidding. See you then.


Not super helpful but better than silence I suppose.

At least he acknowledges that it is something important to talk about and that it will be discussed.

I just hope you wait till you talk to your T before making any decisions.

Ugh, yeah, better than silence, but not much help either! And it sounds exactly like the tone my T often uses in her e-mails, too.

Ew! That seems to me to be a very cold and calculated response. That would fill me with more angst than I would already have! Sorry your T wasn't more considerate of your state of mind.

I'm glad your therapist responded to this and is taking it as seriously as it should be taken. The actions of your first therapist sure have shown that your instincts about him were right (not that you hadn't gotten confirmation of this before). After having a meltdown over it, I would be celebrating having had the insight and courage to have left him. You bet on yourself and won.

I felt a bit bad for my snappy response. I guess I'm more frustrated at T1 than him, and to be honest I recently found the contract T gave me at the start of working with him, and he gives me a lot more outside contact than the contract says he does, so I am thankful to him really.
Roh Roh - thank you so much for that response. That's such a great way to look at this. I was right about him. And I left him then, so I can walk away again, can't I?
"You bet on yourself and won" I really like that. It would be a real shame to throw my winnings down the drain, wouldn't it?

I don't see your response to the second therapist as being bad. I would not read that as snappy at me if someone sent it.

I think your winnings are the type that can't be thrown down the drain. This other guy (T1) sure is good at throwing other people off balance. It's like he discharges his instability onto you to set his own ship right. It's kind of sad and painful to see. But it also affirms your strength and inner well being. I'm in awe that you've been able to sit on this and not respond to him until you sort through it all with your current therapist. Yay you!

Thanks so much roh roh. Your response made me well up with tears and smile at the same time.

Sometimes people do awesome work here (((ruh roh)))