How do you talk about something you struggle to verbalize?

I have a deep dark secret that I'm very ashamed of. My T does actually know what it is. But we don't talk about it. I'm scared to. I have never really verbalized it. Every time I talk about it, we talk around it and still call it "it" or "the secret". My time is running down with T. I don't know if I'll have another T after her, and even if I do, I doubt I'll ever tell my secret again. So if I ever want to work on this issue, I better start soon.

I trust my T. She could have rejected me when I told her my secret, but she didn't. She has accepted me completely. I feel safe with her. But it's just so shameful.

And the words... Oye. I still struggle with verbalizing even sex words! (i.e. we were talking today indirectly about a hand job. She thought about it and said "manual stimulation". Still was uncomfortable, but a lot better than any other way of saying it. Then she said "ejaculate" and I thought I was going to die!)

But how do I do this? How do I talk about things I struggle verbalizing? How do I get some healing? It's time. I know that.

How have you handled talking about a secret you struggle to verbalize?

It is not easy. Everyone is different. Just try. For me, talking about these types of things helped me have a greater understanding of how they effected me. But it also can cause some mental distress for a few days following the session. The distress will calm down if you avoid triggers. I assume that talking about it helped me, but honestly, now I am trying to repress it again. Hopefully, it's OK to do that now because I spent some time "processing it" with my T. My real goal is the live in the present and not the past so having talked about "it", I now just discuss stuff going on with me right now. I think you should try. Your T will understand.

Well the good thing is that at least you both are in the same page so that's a good start. You could write down what you want to express and take it into session. Perhaps you can communicate prior to your session trough email or text if she allows it. It's definitely a plus and hopefully it should bring you more peace of mind knowing that she knows what your secret and that she hadn't rejected you because of it. I had a similar situation and I was having a hard time speaking about it. I needed to know that she was really present for me to tell her about it. It wasn't about rejection for me but embarrassment and shame. It was frustrating not being able to verbalize it and then I ended my sessions. I never got to verbalize my thoughts and process things. Take advantage of it now and trust your T.

How about writing it all down and give it to her. Put the shame and blame where it belongs.....on the abuser.

This is about me, not an abuser. I'm the only one that carries the shame and blame

I could write some of it down. That is how I told her about it in the first place. But I think the real processing comes from actually verbalizing, no?

I don't know, I feel for you. I am trying to do this as we speak. I can't imagine either of us talking about it, saying words like you describe or any others for that matter. It makes my skin crawl and I want to vanish even thinking about it. Time. I know this is something you don't have but this is what I need. You say you are ready but something holds you back. Have courage and I suggest writing it out too, all thoughts and ideas. Wishing you the best.

For me, it took years. In the end, the pain of having no help with it was worse then the pain of risking to reveal it.

Hello, ScarletPimpernel. You trust your therapist. Please consider printing a copy of your first post for her. Ask her to help you.

I suspect you have been beating yourself up about this incident for a long time. Time for some relief. Take a deep breath and start the process.

Good luck.

Yes but if your therapist knows that you have the intention to discuss it, she may help you. If she does not know that you want to talk about it but struggle, she can't do much. So in this context, it may indeed help to write about it like you did the first time and let her take the lead.

A good starting point is to talk about why you find it hard to talk about it rather than talking about the thing itself. My psychologist has addressed things like what I thought could happen if I did verbalise things. And how avoidant I am, which has almost become a standing joke.

For me, talking about it helped me feel less shame about it. But I did have compulsive thoughts about the incident during the month I was discussing it with my T. Talking about it puts it in perspective but I did travel back to the emotions I felt during the incident when I would have compulsive thoughts following the session. I am now tired of talking about it and the compulsive thoughts happen much less frequently. From what I've read, talking about it is probably the right thing to do in the long run. Everyone has to decide for themselves--it's not easy to talk about things we are ashamed of.

I completely understand "talking around" an issue, as I've done that many times. But I've also been in therapy a long time. If there's one thing I've learned, it's that the longer you wait to talk about something, the harder it gets. I try to bite the bullet and tell my T, sooner rather than later.

My T sort of knows I want to talk about it. I asked her a bunch of questions yesterday (mostly about termination). I asked her if I have to take some things to the grave with me. She asked "Like what?". I said "the secret". She told me that over time, my outlook on things will change. In 20 years, I will think differently about everything. And when I'm 80, it will be even more different; easier. But she said that if I want quicker relief, then I'm going to have to process it at some point. She said that even if we only spend 5 mins on it in session, that's progress.

I know she can help me with the words, but I don't want to hear her say it! I don't want to say it. I remember when I first told her about it and she tried to say the words, but I stopped her, she told me that saying the words is part of the process.

I find it hard to talk about because of the immense shame and fear of judgment. Maybe we can start out talking about the shame of it first and work on the words later. I just kept thinking I'd have to repeat the story but verbally this time. But I still don't think I'm going to be able to skip out on all the words at least the way I'm picturing it in my mind.

I am ready for this. I think so at least. I did ask the initial question about carrying it to the grave. And I had been thinking about that question for awhile now. I have also talked to my fiance about finally talking to my T about it. He seems to agree it's time too.

I just want some relief if any relief is to be found. I hate myself so much for this thing. I don't understand how my T and my fiance can still accept me. I'm willing to be uncomfortable, but go slowly! I know "ripping off the bandaid" is usually better, but I don't want to be put into a crisis.

I'm scared. But I have to do this...for my sake.

I agree, and as my T often says, "The only way out is through."

One thing that we do is to write it down, then T reads it out loud. This usually breaks the ice enough that I can start to approach it. It's still difficult, but it's a way to get through the first few minutes