told T thinking about coming today made me feel like collapsing and crying because I didn't want to. I said I don't think it's because I'm trying to avoid anything.
T said, maybe it's about you having more choice now about coming. Where before you always felt you couldn't not come, now is about choosing?
I agreed with that. The feeling compelled to go is changing. I've been picturing life without going of late.

[t0rtureds0ul]

How did this feeling compell change in you both? Do you mean in the way you relate to each other? Is this change a positive/ satisfying change or is it a continuation of the negativity that came before it?

Originally Posted by t0rtureds0ul

How did this feeling compell change in you both? Do you mean in the way you relate to each other? Is this change a positive/ satisfying change or is it a continuation of the negativity that came before it?

I don't unstand your questions.

[t0rtureds0ul]

Well, you said that historically you had to come, and the realisation that you have a choice whether to come or not had compelled change is us (I'm assuming that you were referring to you and your T there). I'm just curious I guess to understand what changes have been compelled in you both, and if this is a positive satisfying change or if it is a negative experience ?

Originally Posted by t0rtureds0ul

Well, you said that historically you had to come, and the realisation that you have a choice whether to come or not had compelled change is us (I'm assuming that you were referring to you and your T there). I'm just curious I guess to understand what changes have been compelled in you both, and if this is a positive satisfying change or if it is a negative experience ?

Looool I was scratching my head reading your reply. I really read what I wrote and corrected it. I meant, in me. Not 'us'.

[Perna]

Freudian slip! :-) Maybe you fear that your thinking about not coming, she is too. After such a long while the work does seem to be mostly done, downhill? Maybe your T feels the same and that's a disturbing thought.

I did mention how coming back after the 2 week break was a bit depressing. Something about the fantasy and the reality of the therapy.

I enjoyed not having to be there at a particular time. I feel bound by it going back, but not sure I'm wanting or admitting I'm done.
I guess this is just another layer.

[unaluna]

Im kind of in the same spot. Like the focus is changing. Therapy was in the foreground for so long, now its moving to the background?

Yeah something like that. That feeling of wanting /needing T so bad is changing. As healthy as that obviously is......it's another loss to contend with.

Originally Posted by _Mouse

I did mention how coming back after the 2 week break was a bit depressing. Something about the fantasy and the reality of the therapy.

I enjoyed not having to be there at a particular time. I feel bound by it going back, but not sure I'm wanting or admitting I'm done.
I guess this is just another layer.

I have sometimes thought that when I get there therapy feels more ordinary than I remembered it.

[Waterbear]

I totally get that feeling of loss and it is so weird and strange because for so long I wanted what I have now, and what I have now is so amazing and healing and magical almost but there is still a loss, a loss of the feelings of desire and searching. Maybe that is why I feel kind of empty, even though I think my heart should be warm and full because I feel that my needs are being met, that I am being accepted and embraced, physically, psychologically and emotionalky. I hope in time that I can feel that but for now I m struggling with it. Thanks for making me think about this.

Originally Posted by Brown Owl

I have sometimes thought that when I get there therapy feels more ordinary than I remembered it.

Yep! .