[Gracey]

WARNING: Possible trigger if you have issues being touched/restrained.

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I had t today. . .was almost actually looking forward to it. We'd decided to hold off on the "play" therapy until he comes back from vacation, b/c he doesn't want to get into something and then suddenly have to take a break from it. I like that idea too. We spoke earlier today, b/c a friend from PC emailed him some information and he wanted to be sure it was ok to talk about it with her. So anyway. . .all in all, I figured this would be more or less an "admin" day. Catch up, talk about the light stuff, you know?

WRONG

I get there, and I'm ok for the most part. I feel sort of weird, but chalk it up to the heat. When it dawns on me that someone is trying to pop up (at least thats what it felt like) I kept talking to him (rambling really) so that I could stay in the moment. It ended up in this horrible anxiety thing. I started shaking, all of a sudden, just shaking and couldn't stop it. I felt like I couldn't breathe, the room was spinning. I was so afraid. He reached out to take the paperclip out of my hand (I'd been bending it back and forth) and that's the last thing I recall. Next thing I know, I'm lying on the couch, he is sitting on the couch right beside me with his hands on my arms, speaking slowly and calmly to me. I can see his lips moving, but it took a minute for me to hear him. After about ten minutes, I was alright enough to sit up, and pull myself together. The time passed? Close to 25 minutes. That really shook me up. BIG TIME. I asked him, "What happened?" He made me check my sugar first, brought me something to drink, all that stuff before he'd talk to me. Sugar was fine, cold drink definately helped. I was thinking, "Did I have a seizure or something?" He said when he reached out to take the paper clip from me, I knocked the hell out of him. He didn't see it coming. I hit him, and then reached for his desk, where he keeps this really cool letter opener. He said he was steadily talking to me, but eventually had to just grab me and pull me away forecfully. At that point, I sort of went limp and he put me on the couch. It took a while for me to come around.

I am only very recently dx'ed with DID tendencies. I dont' even have an official diagnosis yet. . . So, all of this really FREAKS ME THE HELL OUT.

He kept me for a while longer, to make sure I was ok. Thing is, I felt fine. Better than I had when I came in.

Now I feel like crap. He laughed and told me I had a hell of a right hook and when I left his face was already beginning to bruise. Lovely. I decked my therapist. Isn't that against the rules somewhere?

I feel like crap. Somebody tell me I'm not utterly and completely %#@&#!. Please.

wow. i don't know really what to say that might help but honestly, if he didn't seem angry or upset then it's ok...or at least it means you're not an %#@&#! or anything. It seems he wasn't prepared to be popped, but it does seem like he isn't afraid of a situation like this... he must have experienced dissociative clients in the past.

i would base my feeling on how he seemed and what he said to you.

for you it's all very individual and scary and new... but if he has experience then he has probably seen quite a lot. Let that reassure you. It's like if i told my T something i feel bad about.. like SI or something, to me it's HUGE, but he has talked with a LOT of people with the same issue so he is ok.

and that's it you know, he is ok... and if he wasn't he'd take care of himself.

i really can't offer anything helpful about the phase out thing itself because i have never experienced it or been with someone in that... it sounds very overwhelming and scary.

[dreamrunner]

sorry to hear bout panic attack......Ive had a few,none of them pretty.....(((((Gracey)))))

[Gracey]

Ugh

[Hopefull]

Ugh is right. Scary. It sounds like T was able to handle himself quite well. So, I am sure that he can keep himself and you safe as you work on this. I hope you figure out what is going on and find a way to work through it.

[Gracey]

Talked to him this morning. He has a fist sized bruise across his jaw. He said his wife laughed and asked him what he did to invoke someone to punch him. ::: sigh ::: I still can't believe I did this. He says don't sweat it. I feel like a rotten human being. Who hits someone for trying to help?

i don't believe that you were aware of hitting him, were you? didn't you sorta "lose" contact there for awhile? don't blame yourself. he doesn't blame you, so there.....xoxox pat

you know, he must a hell of a therapist... and i admire his wife's reaction. It's s shame that it has left you feeling so bad, and i can understand why you do.. but it's also a marvelous indicator of the sort of T you have. What type of therapy does he practice?

[Gracey]

I guess he's typical?

He started out in the school system, working with kids.

That was some release of "pent-up" emotion that "someone" was experiencing. Thank goodness You are OK.
That would be very scary experience for you..

I do think that as therapy goes on that energy will be expended in a different fashion really. My guess is that was a first and last event like that. So I wouldn't "worry" about it too much. Other than you and your T, will probably always remember and laugh about it.... I know much, much later down the line.. but it come to that point.

And my T, would most likely have handled it the same way as your's. One of my other T would have handled it that way too. It is because they understand the DX.

((((((hugs)))) for all