[doogie]

I know I start start a lot of posts here, but I do hang around and try to be supportive as I can.

I need some help - some rational thinking, maybe - because I don't think I'm thinking very rationally.

I haven't seen my T for 3 weeks. I was on vacation then he had conferences. I have one more week until my next appointment. We are working through childhood trauma and attachment issues, so through this long break we have been in contact via text (well within boundaries) and he has offered 10 mins. check-ins via phone if we need to just check-in with voice. (I haven't called, though) He has responded to every text. He has always 'been there.'

So.....why am I feeling so disconnected? Why do I feel angry? Why am I feeling like I can't trust him because 'all T's just drop you anyway'? I didn't feel any of these things prior to this break. I sort of feel like a little kid who is just stomping her feel in a tantrum because dad left for work? I don't WANT to care. I don't WANT to care that I miss sessions - but I do.

The first week, I was paralyzed with this sadness and fear I would never see him again. The next week I was on vacation, so I guess it wasn't so bad...and this week I'm just been SO angry.

I'm just NOT in my right mind. He is still my same T. He has not changed, right? Just because he has been away doesn't mean anything has changed? Our relationship will still be the same when we meet again, right?

I want to just pull away from her and avoid feeling all this ever again - but that isn't the thing to do, is it? I need to just stay on my course. But I'm SO scared.

I think it's important that you notice your feelings because they form part of your therapy. Your childhood trauma and attachment issues are likely the reason you feel this way. That's okay, and becoming aware of those feelings can only help you to heal those wounds.
Can I suggest you journal these feelings. Every foot-stomping, scared, anxious or avoidant moment. This will all be valuable information for you and your T when you resume therapy and continue to work on these issues.
It sounds really hard for you right now, but I hope there is some solace in that you may well be on the right path to some significant self-understanding and hopefully healing too.
I hope the next week is okay for you. It sounds like you and T are doing good work together.

[mostlylurking]

I think this sounds very normal and typical for someone who is working through childhood trauma, although I realize that doesn't make it any easier. I think when we're dealing with trauma from a certain age, we really put our minds back to what it felt like then, and we kind of go back to being that age. The child part of ourselves that's still in there somewhere comes up to the surface because it's their experiences that we're dealing with. Unfortunately, once the 5-year-old or 3-year-old in you comes to the forefront, it's going to be there for a while, part of the mix, and a child that young really doesn't understand why adults have to be away. Of course that part of you will feel angry even while your adult part is thinking "What the heck is this about?"

Also, while this work is going on with your childhood experiences and memories, your T is kind of like a caretaker for the younger parts of yourself, not like a parent, but... a little bit like that. So of course you feel a bit dependent, as a child would. And if you had trauma when you were young, then dependency on adults might feel very unsafe, you might indeed be scared about being let down in some way. That's probably not coming from anything your T said or did, since it sounds like he's been very consistent and available for you. The fears are probably coming from past experiences way back when, I'd guess. Your T sounds pretty great, actually.

I've had dependent feelings too, but as things got worked through, these feelings faded and I went back to being an adult again and feeling less attached. Now it comes and goes. If it feels like a very long time until my next session, that's an indicator that something important is going on and something else is surfacing from when I was young, because I'm getting the young / dependent feeling again toward my T. In that sense, I can look at these feelings as positive because I know work is being done, although it doesn't feel too good sometimes.

I'm sure there are other ways to look at it, but this is how I understand what happens in therapy with childhood stuff. It is bewildering to have a young child's emotions when you're an adult, but it's part of the process, for me anyway. I hope you feel much better and reassured once you see your T again.

[dphoto]

For what it's worth I struggle with connection even after missing a session.

And I have multiple points of reassurance, availability by text - within boundaries and my own transitional stuffed animal from my therapist.

I think as has been said it is a part of the process. That doesn't make "feeling" through it any easier but hopefully knowing your not the only one does.

My therapist says about the times we separate that "it's a practice. We go away and we come back. [And every time builds a bit more security ]

Hope that helps
d

[kecanoe]

I can relate to what you are feeling. I also hated to miss sessions and would do phone sessions-several per week, full hour-when I had to be gone. I think I would still struggle with a three week break, although I am now ok with week long breaks.

I think if I were you, I would go ahead and try a check in call. T has offered, and you are suffering. T obviously meant to be helpful to you during this break. The young parts just are not rational in my case and all the thinking that I can do is not helpful to them.

[runlola72]

This resonates. Lots of trauma in my background. Lots of father issues. One minute I'm loving him next minute I am pissed. I am so emotionally dysregulated. Fortunately I think he gets it, and is resigned to being my punching bag at least for a short time. He says its like having a small toddler. You don't get angry and take it personally when they bite you. You don't throw them to the floor. You try to get in their head and work out why they are so upset. Your anger is very important and needs to be acknowledged and talked about. It's very normal for people with trauma in their youth

[CantExplain]

A feeling of disconnection can be very damaging to a relationship. Ts need to take it seriously.